Yard Man

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Yard Man
RCR Yard Man Thumb.png
NOT A CAR Details
Make Yard-Man
Model Yard-Man? I guess?
Year -
Owner -
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season The Early Years
Air Date July 26, 2013
Transcript
Credits /u/wesellspatulas

Epileptic Seizure WARNING! Two jokes in this video have fast moving images and flashing lights. These images have the potential to photosensitive epilepsy. Watch at your own risk.

Transcript[edit]

OPENING NARRATION

Computer-generated voice reading off thecircusb0y1's YouTube comment: "I want Moar videos like this on moar motorcycles and cars and lawnmowers."
Mr. Regular: "...Okay."

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INTRO SONG: "Method Man" by the Wu-Tang Clan

Now how many licks does it take
For me to hit the Tootsie Roll centre of a break

---

MONOLOGUE by MR. REGULAR (using "THE VOICE" for entire review)

Well - this isn't a car, (MMMMGH) this is a lawnmower. It's called a Yard Man. It's a dime-store version of a John Deere. 22 inches of innuendo, I mean, really, if you're going to mow anything larger than an acre or anything less than 22 inches, it isn't really gonna get the job done. I mean, yeah, some of these mowers at Lowe's try to impress you, that has a 15-inch cut. I'm talking a ride-on mower with (oh yeah) 15 inches. Nah, get one that's 22.

(MMMM) It's powered by a... (UUUUUUUNGH) 650cc single-cylinder air-cooled engine. A car battery gets it started, but this battery hasn't held a charge since the Clinton administration. Steering is... whatever. It's got something called a hydrostatic drive, and I have no idea what that is. All I know is that when I have to mow my lawn, I have to keep my hand here... on the throttle, which isn't a throttle, it's sort of a drive thing, and when I push that knob all the way to the end, it wants to... (UUUMMMMMMMH) Fuel gauge is back on the fuel filler cap, which is handy for not reading it. It's got headlights, because why not, and the PTO knob is within easy reach. It's even got a systems monitor, which I never look at-

And in the middle of recording this, I have to go to the bathroom. ("Gummiband" by Siriusmo plays while in public restroom) Is this real, or is this just CLEVER VOICE MANIPULATION? Ohhhhhh... Ooh, Megan's Law.

Lawn tractors are a curious vehicle because nobody really maintains them to the extent that a car gets maintained. When you get a slow leak, do you put anything in it? Nope, you just get the bicycle tire and pump it up, knowing that it'll hold just enough air for the hour and a HAAAAALLF that it takes to mow your lawn. Modern mowers have cupholders; this one doesn't, it has a top speed of a brisk walk, and most of the mower is still made out of metal. The only thing that isn't is the hood and the steering wheel. Which means you can crash this thing into small saplings and you're not gonna crack anything. The engine makes a real racket because the muffler faces FORWARD.

When I was young, there was no Internet, so the best thing I had was either waking up EARLY, early before school and catching the tail-end of scrambled-vision, or making do with that weird aerobic program on Channel 6. Dear people of the United Kingdom: We sell some of your foodstuffs in our stores. (shows Major Grey's chutney) What is this? (mint Aero bar) What is this? (ginger beer) What is this? (digestive biscuits) Why is this? (clotted cream fudge) EEEEWWWWWW.

References[edit]