|Air Date||April 13, 2017|
New York International Auto Show 2017
[AUDIO FADE IN, MR. REGULAR:] *Looking at an orange Dodge Challenger Demon* Dodge Demon – I always wanted to drive a car with Joey Belladonna’s likeness on the side. *Looking at cameraman recording unknown automotive journalist, mic change* Time to make content! *Looking at wheel of Demon* Vroom vroom, won’t pass tech! *Looking at a group of passive automotive journalists* Automotive journalists. *Looking at a journalist photographing the show* Get them clicks. *Looking at an LED board that transitions from ‘FIND NEW ROADS’ to the Chevrolet logo* But who will help me- oh! *Looking at a Chevrolet Trax, focused more on constantly-changing LED screen behind it* Dipping toes in water. Ice skates. Life is good. Comfortable interior. Brown. Brown. Brown. Holding hands. Stable marriage. Ah yes. Euuhh! *Zooms into #TRAVERSE sticker* Traverse. *Looking at an empty section* Nothing here. *Looking at a very, very long boom camera* HOW MUCH BOOM DO YOU NEED? MORE? MORE? MORE? MORE? MORE? MORE? MORE? THAT’S GOOD. *Looking at a Subaru 360* Hey, Corey, I found your new Subaru. *Looking at an array of food and drinks in the Porsche section* PORSCHE FOOD. HOW DO I GET TO THE PORSCHE FOOD? [unintelligible] *Looking at Jaguar-Land Rover section, zooms in on British crests* (Fancy tone) Euuuh! *Looking at unknown automotive journalist, and his crew setting up* Here we go, time for more content! I’m the director, oh, here I come! I’m gonna tell you about the content! We’ve gotta make car content! *Looking at Lincoln Navigator at Lincoln stage* Lincoln Navigator – I’ll see you in the ghetto in eleven years. *Looking at Acura MDX, alongside other Acura* Acura MDX – my marriage is dissolving, and this is the only good thing in my life. *Looking at race-spec Acura NSX, protected by low fencing* Bla bla bla, NSX, can I drive one? No. *Looking at more-regular-looking NSX* NO. *Looking at a supercharger engine display* Right now, Matt (?) is thinking: “I can…I can get more out of it.” *Looking at woman looking into the trunk of a Toyota SUV, suited man and a woman beside* Thinking about getting kids! “Oh, [unintelligible] a lot of groceries fit in that! Uhh, babies! *Looking at…* RALPH ORLOVE. *Looking at Michael Ballaban* MMM…BALLABAN. *Looking at a Pontiac? Identify?* MMM…MOUSTACHE. *Looking at yet another automotive journalist and crew with the ‘best lighting’* Oh, I’ve got the best lighting for the best content! *Looking at the Nissan Rogue Trail Warrior* Rich douchebags, here is your god. *Looking at an LED board reading “The Sontana Design Experience // begins at 1:15pm.”* Oh boy, I’ve been waiting for this. *Looking at someone photographing a Nissan Qashqai* Influencer. *Looking at a group of people crowding around and photographing the Honda Civic Type R* Here you go, Civic Type- legitimately, the Civic Type R was crowded around, it was packed the entire time I walked by. It was hard to get close to that thing. *Looking at a green car with a ‘TOURING’ badge* Oh boy, but here’s a touring! *Looking at a businessman’s shoes, as he joins other well-shoed men* Business shoes, journalism shoes, *tapping a beat* business shoes, journalism shoes, business shoes, journalism shoes, uh! Smooth bottoms! *Looking at a slowly-spinning Toyota FT concept* Toyota FT – the official car of… merging right into ya, because you have no visibility out the back side. *Looking at a sign advertising Toyota trucks* I DRIVE A JAPANESE TRUCK, BUT I’M STILL AMERICAN. *Looking at a ‘Mirai’ chassis* Still humping that hydrogen dream. *Looking at an Alfa Romeo 4C* Alfa 4C, I never even sat in one of these things. *Shot changes to front* I tried to get in it, but it’s locked. *Looking at an Alfa Romeo sedan, someone gets in before Mr. Regular does* I’ll guess I’ll just sit in whatever this is- oh, that guy’s doing it. *Looking at an Alfa Romeo Giulia, someone looks in* I guess I’ll just sit in this grey one. No, that guy’s gonna do it. *Mr. Regular opens the door, sits inside the first sedan* You getting in? [UNKNOWN:] No. [MR. REGULAR:] Alright. Alfa… Romeo… Feels like a Toyota in here. Wait a minute… Wait a minute, these knobs feel Mazda… There’s something Mazda about this… *sigh* It’s a little bit Mazda in here! Uhh, Alfa! *Looking at a glowing LED Lexus, surrounded by a few people, including a cleaner* Everyone’s filming the flashing car. *Looking at a strange plant pot* Green. *Silently looking at food* *Looking at a Nissan GT-R with a ‘CarLifestyle’ sticker* But, yeah, isn’t that the point? *Looking at a sticker reading “CAR LOCKED FOR YOUR PROTECTION”* Oh, thank goodness for that. *Looking at various 1950s-1960s muscles, and a 1930s car* Well, wingadingadingadingadingadingadingadingadingadingadingadinga, dingadingadingadingadingadingadingadinga- *Mr. Regular gets into a Freightliner Sprinter* Getting in a van. *Looking at the dashboard* This Is a Freightliner van…it’s diesel…it revs to four…and it’s made famous by Every. Single. Airport. Shuttle. Ever. *Looking at a Grabber Blue* NYPD Chevrolet Caprice, pans to a current NYPD Charger* Man, I remember when these Caprices were everywhere, and everybody had ‘em. Then the Panther body, and now…whatever these things are. I don’t know, they’re engines that blow after 50,000 miles. *Looking at a Honda-branded tent, ‘attached’ to a car* Not a car… wait, this is a tent. This is a Honda-designed tent? Where are you going with this? *Looking at a graffiti-wrapped Lamborghini* I’m rich but I’m still hood. *Looking silently at various warnings related to unplugged ECU* *Looking silently on a man driving a scissor lift* *Looking at a Jeep symbol on a windshield, Mr. Regular’s face is partially visible* Jeep – have you forgotten yet? *Looking at the Porsche stage, many journalists are watching* TIME FOR PORSCHE. OH, STUFF’S HAPPENING, THIS ONE GUY’S STANDING ON A BOX. OH, LOOK AT ALL THE SPEED COMING FROM THROUGH, IT’S GOT LINES, HOLY SHIT! OH, IT’S AN EYEBALL! MY PENIS! *Looking at a Porsche badge, then back to a stage, counting down in Roman numerals* OH, PORSCHE! UH OH, THE NUMBERS ARE GOING DOWN! V! NOW IT’S A DIFFERENT NUMBER! OH NO, ONE! WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN? OH, BLURRY- OH, THESE ARE ALL THE LINES OF MY JIZZ! *Looking at Porsche CEO Oliver Blume?* “2017 was an exciting year for us. 22 new*reversed back and forth four times* variants [unintelligible] ma-a-a-a-“ “They’re off to a good start, and it’s one of the most versatile” *Meanwhile, Mr. Regular films a passing dog* Not a car… *Looking at Volvo badge on a screen* Volvo. *Looking at coffee stand populated by appropriate hipsters* Volvo coffee. *Looking at a coffee cup with a heart drawn in the coffee* This is Volvo coffee. *Looking at a lot of automotive journalists as Mr. Regular descends an escalator* UH, GENESIS! I CAN’T WAIT! OOH, GIVE ME MORE, GIVE ME MORE TRENDS. *Looking at trailered house* Tiny house. *Looking at Chrysler 300C Mopar* I own a condominium. *Looking silently at a Mopar badge in the carpet, panning back and forth to the Abarth Spider 124* *Looking at a blue-panelled trailered house* Tiny house. *Looking at the front door, journalists walk inside* What does this have to do with cars? *Mr. Regular explores the house* [PASSING WOMAN:] Then it’s kinda off-grid… [ANOTHER WOMAN:] That’s it. [PASSING WOMAN:] Yeah… [JOURNALIST:] This toilet… [MR. REGULAR:] My friend, Corey, she’d be all about this. *Mr. Regular opens an electrical panel, closes it again, re-joins journalist in bathroom* [MR. REGULAR:] So, do you uproot this thing…and water, air conditioning? [JOURNALIST NOW IN BATHROOM] That’s amazing *Journalist going to top floor* [JOURNALIST:] This is incredible. *Mr. Regular now at top floor, actually rather cozy, but very low* *Sprawls out on bed* Uhh…car show! I would hit my head so much on everything here…oh, feet on the roof! *Mr. Regular checks watch, heads into other home. Slight draft* Ugh… *Mr. Regular explores* *Wind noise* This one’s bigger. I mean, essentially what this is is- this is a small RV. So if you’re in a small RV, like, this is what you get. *Panning around the top floor, journalists bickering* [JOURNALIST] I like that view out there… [MR. REGULAR] Yeah, you hear that guy out there who says “I like the-“ Oh, there he is. *the journalist walks in* [JOURNALIST:] Cool. (cut off) [MR. REGULAR:] See, the thing is, if you live with two people, it would be frickin’ weird. Because one person would have to be in the bedroom at one point…like that down there would have to be some sort of office or something. [JOURNALIST:] There’s no- yeah. [MR. REGULAR:] And there’s no having friends over, that’s the thing. *open’s panel* Wham! [JOURNALIST:] …Rocky Gym… [MR. REGULAR:] Yep. Is this the bathroom? *opens door, looks around* Yep, I don’t know about- you’ve gotta poop with the door open. That’s just how it goes. Looks like someone tried to do something in here, there’s all blotches down that. [JOURNALIST:] This is so cool. [MR. REGULAR:] Yeah…yeah, you have to poop with the door open. [JOURNALIST:] *laughing* He said you have to poop with the- *Looking at the house connected to electrical outlet* [MR REGULAR:] Wait a minute…tiny houses is just a rich person version of a trailer! Ohh! *Looking at storage room* This is the storage room.