2016 Scion iA
|Season||County of Pointed Freaks|
|Air Date||November 21, 2016|
We review the weird 2016 Scion iA, which is really a Mazda 2. Why did Toyota snag a Mazda 2 and pass it off as their own? in 2017, this will be called a Toyota iA.
2016 Scion iA. This is not a Toyota. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN This car is not a Toyota, It's a Mazda 2 and it didn't really fit in, Because they had the Yaris. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR: Oh, look. A Mazda 2. Why on Earth did Toyota snag some Mazdas and pass them off on their own? Well, Toyota has been pulling a train with Subaru and Mazda. And Toyota, tired of caboosing for General Motors for their Chevy Prizm and Pontiac Vibe, wanted their own little baby bear and now they have one! They got a Mazda 2 and called it a Scion iA. But why? I'll have to think about it. But first, let's look at this car as is. As I go through this review, sometimes I'm going to call it a Scion iA and sometimes call it a Mazda 2. So just bear with me. This is the quietest internal combustion engine I have ever commanded. It's so quiet, what you really hear when it's running is the injectors. They're the loudest thing, their little "tic tic tic tic tic tic tic" of them going? That's what you hear. And it is slow. VERY (burped) slow. But that's the point. It makes 101 crank horsepower at 6,000 RPM and it makes TWO POUND-FEET OF TORQUE AT 4,000 RPM. It has a six-speed manual with - and this is a nice touch - with hill assist. It does 0-60 in nine seconds which is, okay, it's under ten. And it will do a quarter mile at 87 miles per hour but it takes longer than a BASICS hall video. You can get satnav, it is optional, but no one offers it. Ted told me that the way you get satnav on this is through an SD card that goes in. But no dealers have it. There are some shady BitTorrent sites that will give you the Mazda 2 satnav program but ohhh that's shady. No radio controls on the dash and this touch screen won't operate unless you're parked and in neutral. So everything is controlled by this knockoff BMW iDrive joyknob. Oh and by the way, this is the same screen that- it looks like it folds down but it doesn't? This is the same screen that's on the new Miata. But why did Toyota do this? Why did they buy the rights and rebrand a Mazda 2? Well for one, the United States never got the Mazda 2 sedan. We only got the hatchbacks. So urrrhhh this is JDM? When Toyota captured a Mazda 2 and brought it over here as a Scion iA it had no place in the lineup because they already had the Yaris. And oh by the way, in 2017 this is gonna be called the Toyota iA. Why? Because millennials don't have cash. Yeah. Scion was a failure. The whole point of Scion is it was supposed to be an attractive youth brand but young people don't have cash to buy new cars. So what's the point of taking an economy car, putting some extra LED lights on the inside and calling it 'fun'? They got it right with the FRS and Subaru BRZ. That was correct. That is a fun car, although it's still far too expensive for the new generation. Right. Okay. You do get a rear wheel drive, 200 horsepower sports car for about $26,000 and that's okay by today's standards but how are you going to justify that with all the student loan debt you already have? Now the iA makes more sense. The Scion iA is $15,000, mou- maybe about $15,700 for a manual transmission base model, okay, that makes a lot more sense. It gets 33 miles per gallon city, 42 highway. And yes, it makes 101 to maybe some people say it makes mo- most- ohohh, 106 maybe, right. The whole point of this thing is to be a four-door car, tiny, and it sips sips sips sips gas, and you get six speeds to play with. And it's about 2,400 pounds. Alright. Is it fun to drive? Hell no! No, no, no. This thing is a modern day Plymouth Horizon. You don't really care how this drives. This is a direct injection gasoline motor that's supposed to be as efficient as it can be cheap. And that's all it does. The upside is that the interior is very well laid out. You can appreciate the a e s t h e t i c- --- "VAPORWAVE" INTERMISSION (A pixelated horizon forms, greys in the sky and magenta on the land. A dorky drumbeat plays in the background. An occasional low tone drones on.) SLOW VOICE: ZIP Disks are the future. (Drums.) The future. (More drums and tone.) The future. The future. The future. --- -of having a clean interior view. But oh, now I'm getting angry. 'Cause you know what just happened? The Yaris is GONE. The Yaris is gone! This is the new small car! Toyota DISCONTINUED THE YARIS AND BY EXTENSION THE ECHO AND BY EXTENSION THE TEN YEARS OF HAPPY MEMORIES I HAD WITH THAT CAR. EAT. GROSS. DICKS. I MEAN BIG GNARLY SCHLONGS WITH CHOREBOY PUBES THAT EVEN BEARS WOULD LOOK AT AND SAY, "Ew dude, walk that cock to the bathroom and get the body groom on it, at least two passes, please." So. This is Toyota's new tiny car and it is unmoddable and nearly irredeemable from a performance standpoint. But you think Toyota could develop their own small c- that's what they do. Are they so busy with other products? Are they just masturbating over the Rav4 now - which as become a Ford Explorer, by the way - that they can't bother to make small cars anymore? BE CAREFUL TOYOTA, BECAUSE THAT'S THE MISTAKE CHRYSLER MADE. I'M WATCHING YOU. So... the... Scion iA or the future Toyota iA will become their entry level compact car in the same way that General Motors had the Chevy Aveo. The people who will be buying the Toyota iA are not gonna care that it's a Mazda 2. They're only gonna care that this is a $15,000 brand new car that's going to give them no problems. And it is going to give them no problems. But I appreciate the motor for being completely quiet. And I appreciate that you can get a six-speed manual with a very small, efficient motor. And if I didn't have the need for my daily to also be my camera car , well, I could... legitimately see myself driving one of these things. And all this is a testament to Mazda. Not Toyota. And another thing. --- POV CAMERA with MR REGULAR (MR REGULAR walks towards a wooden structure in a forest. He ascends its outside stairs and turns right towards a wooden door with a sign that states, 'MEN'. He grabs the handle, looks at the sign...) Nature. (MR REGULAR opens the door into the bathroom and enters, letting the door close behind him.) Euuugh. --- OUTRO by THE ROMAN Oh the Scion, well it crashed and burned, 'Cause it cost more than the millennials earned, But ZIP Disks are the future. Oh, the story of Scion iA, Is a tale of woe and a manual base, Hit the brake, hit the brake, hit the brake...