2015 Dodge Challenger Hellcat

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2015 Dodge Challenger Hellcat
RCR Dodge Challenger Hellcat Thumb.jpg
Car Details
Make Dodge
Model Challenger Hellcat
Year 2015
Owner Adam P.
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season The In-Between Days
Air Date December 21, 2015
Transcript
Credits u/lanator

Dodge Hellcat: a car for a guy with a huge schlong and no pick-up lines.

Transcript[edit]

(car starts)

This is everything that is wrong about Chrysler.

---

INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN
to the tune of (???)

Chrysler, what the hell is this?
What the hell is this?

---

MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR

Can you build a normal car, Chrysler? No. No, you can't. You have that apathetic Chrysler 200 which is a warmed-over Sebring. You didn't care about QC on your Caliber. The last great economy car you made was the first-generation Neon and that ended in 1999. And here you are, Chrysler, here you are, circlin' the drain again. And what are you buildin'? This.

The Hellcat. A car with a 1950s curse word in the name. Wonderful. You bolted a supercharger to a Challenger and went around saying it makes 707 horsepower. I saw one of these on a dyno and it made 625 to the wheels.

You know what you are, Chrysler? 2015 Chrysler? You're a spoiled frat boy on academic probation. You're throwin' ragers on Thursday. You're taking Historical Geology for the third time. You don't care because, including paying for your townhouse, daddy mutual fund will always be there. You're making the same mistakes in 2015 that you made in 1970: not listening to the winds of change. Yeah. You're great at buildin' fast muscle cars but you can't make an economy car that Americans want to buy. Chrysler is a guy with a humongous schlong and no pickup lines.

What is wrong with you? Yeah, the Challenger Hellcat is a ballbuster and draws a crowd from Eerie to the mainline but it's a loss leader. This isn't making you payroll money. And it's not “growing the brand”. Magazines love the Hellcat and Roadkill cracked one million views on their burnout 'n' drone bukkake video. But after seeing what the Allentonian Sloppy Mechanics can do? Hm, Dodge Hellcat is irrelevant. Why buy a Hellcat for whatever price the seller or dealer demands when a man like Happle will show you how to build a reliable ten-second car for under ten grand. Well, why buy a Hellcat?

Because a Hellcat is a drool bucket for estranged fathers giving alimony money to slot machines at Hollywood Casino rather than the wife. A Dodge Hellcat is for barroom bragging, not racing. It's for the gym swaggert who only does curls and bench presses and then he wears Under Armour t-shirts with the sleeves strategically rolled up when he drinks at Red Robins.

So screw this car and everything it stands for! Seven hundred and seven horsepower- who the hell needs 707 horsepower or 650 ft-lb of torque? The answer is clear. AMERICA.

I'm the champion! Makin' old stuff! Auugh~ (Punching a bag at the gym, captions: Double Fist of Rage, The “Old Manchester”, Reverse Harry-Dean-Stanton)

It's an old line we- (FART) oh, real fart... It's an old line we used on the Smoking Tire Podcast but it remains every bit as true here as when it did for the Dragon Edition Jeep Wrangler: the Hellcat is what happens when you let a kid make his own dinner. Even the tagline on the website reads like auto erotica. Like pure wish fulfillment that your average person just doesn't get anymore.

This is what the website says: “It sits quietly, patiently, like it's stalking prey. And then suddenly, your red key – uhn – unlocks and awakens the unprecedented 707 horsepower of the most powerful muscle car on the planet.”

Yes. The most powerful muscle car on the planet. Because this is a muscle car in the whey protein sense of the word. It's strong but within a very specific category. For instance, while this is among the most powerful muscle cars ever made, it's not in the top 10 of the most powerful cars in the world right now. In fact, if Edmunds were to revise its list to include it somewhere in its top 100 the Hellcat would sit at around #29. Higher than the 2007 Gumpert Apollo S but below the 2013 Ferrari F-12 Bleblablublibleh (Caption: Ferrari F-12 Berlinetta).

If the Hellcat were a pro wrestler, he'd be Bill Goldberg. Huge. Intense but lacking grace. And like Goldberg and his undefeated streak the Hellcat has its own special thing too, its status as “the most powerful muscle car ever.” But just like Goldberg he's going to lose a lot of its appeal now that the special thing is gone. Because how much value are these Hellcats really going to keep once a new Most Powerful Muscle Car Ever comes along.

Now, more than ever, consumers are fickle. Of course, Chrysler knows better than most how to weather the storm but it reflects their continued failure to understand that these aren't the types of cars the public wants. At least not the public that represents Chrysler's bread and butter, anyway.

Big cars are great, fast and awesome, and big, fast cars are even better. And make no mistake, the Hellcat is a great car. It's like driving an action movie. I'M INSIDE CHARLES BRONSON. But at the end of the day, these giant boxing gloves come at the expense of funding the sorts of economy cars that people are really clamoring for in this day and age.

(FART) Ohhh, whey protein.

We can get what Chrysler was going for in marketing yet another big, fast muscle car to appeal to the masses but that's the problem, it's not going to appeal to the masses. Because your daily driver can't afford this car and they're too intimidated to drive one anyway. I'm sure this looked like a good idea to Chrysler but it's like trying to turn a one-night stand into a relationship.

I love muscle cars. Hell, we're kinda building one right now. But they get a bad rap - and we're not sure why and it's really not the numbers and it's really not the grossness of it. If muscle cars were your barometer for a midlife crisis then it'd be understandable. But a Cadillac ATS or a Chrysler 300 are far more likely to be the midlife crisis car of today than a Dodge Challenger.

And yet, there's that reputation. Oooh, what is he compensating for? What didn't the wife get in the divorce? And those rumors poke away at a man like a thousand little insecurities that merge into the Megazord of inadequacy and struggle until the muscle car he loves becomes the midlife crisis. But can't a guy just be into muscle cars? Not everyone who likes something fast and powerful measures from the balls.

I enjoyed driving the Hellcat. At least I can give it this: it has no confusions about what it is. It's big and it's dumber than a bag of hammers. But people look and people respect that. You know exactly what you're gonna get. The Hellcat tells you what it's about all the time. It's loud even from the factory. And the kids love it. And at the end of the day, I do too.

---

OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN
to the tune of (???)

   Dodge is makin' bank on the Hellcat,
   Chrysler's thinking it's swell that,
   They made a car for the jock in us,
   I hate how muscle cars get a bad rap,
   Too many people, they talk crap,
   Why don't you take the damn bus?

References[edit]