2014 Tesla Model S P85
|Model||Model S P85|
|Season||This is my job now.|
|Air Date||August 3, 2016|
Every car I drive from now on will be compared to THIS.
This is the first fully-electric vehicle that is reviewed on Regular Car Reviews.
[AUDIO FADE IN, MR. REGULAR:] You know what? The future is gonna be okay. --- INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN, to the tune of ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank I found a benchmark for me, A Tesla P85D, A car that we’re meant to review, Even though it’s not regular, it’s true. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR 2014 Tesla Model S P85. No, we didn’t get the D, I NEED THE D-nah, enough of that joke. The real tragedy of Romeo and Juliet isn’t that they died, it was that they died too young to realise their relationship wasn’t worth dying for. But this - the 2014 Tesla Model S P85 - well, my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love is as deep, the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite. Everything I will drive from now on will be based against this. Everything I drive from now on has to live up to this. This is the new benchmark for me. Everything I drive is gonna get compared to a Tesla now. And- so next week, next week, whatever review comes out next week, I will have to ask myself: is it better than a Tesla? You know what, I’ve driven one car so far that is better than a Tesla, and surprisingly, it wears a VW badge. Anyway, this car, this six-figure fountain of dreams made Road and Track’s list of 13 best cars under a $100,000, as if that’s supposed to be some kind of conciliation for guys like us. The Tesla is a summit car in every sense of the word, because its impossible to sit your ass in a Tesla and act like it isn’t the automotive equivalent of meeting Angelina White, AND MEETING ANGELINA WHITE. But let’s be real for one second. I agree with Matt Farah - the interior is nice, it’s just not one $100,000 nice. Yes, ever since the P85D came out, the regular P85, which was the previous performance benchmark for Tesla, has now dropped to $80,000, or maybe at the release of this video, it may be at $70,000 range. Anyway, you get into a Tesla Model S, the interior is very nice, it’s very well thought out, but when you start touching stuff, it’s about on the level of an optioned-out Honda Accord, or maybe an Infiniti. Its not that it’s bad, but it’s like getting a cheesesteak in Citizens Bank Park – it’s a good cheesesteak, it’s just not a $7-good cheesesteak, or whatever they’re charging these days – they were charging seven dollars when that park first opened, but god knows, they’re probably up to $9.50 for a cheesesteak now at Citizens Bank. Anyway, the key. Yes, you don’t get a key. With a Tesla Model S, you get a little toy of your own car. This is your key. You get near the car, the doors open – you know that. Here, I’ll let the owner explain, sorry for the wind noise. --- LIVE RECORDING, SLIGHTLY WINDY [OPE:] So, the app on the phone can control the car – you actually don’t even need the key, you can unlock… [MR. REGULAR:] Really? [OPE:] …or can start the car from the phone and everything else… [MR. REGULAR:] Nice! [OPE:] But they’re just gonna make it more automated with the Apple Watch or Android Wear. INSIDE THE CAR [OPE:] You have your heads up? [MR REGULAR:] Okay? [OPE:] So, when you take your foot off the throttle, the regenerative braking kicks in instantly, so it’s like a rubber band effect – you never coast, unless you want to do that – you do that, and then you have coasting. But I prefer to have the standard as it actually helps to harvest energy more quickly. OUTSIDE AGAIN [MR. REGULAR:] I don’t see any buttons on the…on this. [OPE:] They’re just press-sensitive, so… *mirrors retract* [OPE:] That’s… [UNKNOWN:] That’s a 3D Tesla. [OPE:] Yeah, it looks exactly like the car. [MR. REGULAR:] Wait, to open the trunk, you double-tap the trunk? [OPE:] You do. *trunk opens* [MR. REGULAR:] That’s adorable. [OPE:] Then you double tap again… *beep, trunk closes* [OPE:] And it clo…and it goes down. And… *bonnet opens* [OPE:] That does not close on its own, because there’s really nowhere to put a motor – a retracting motor for the front. [MR. REGULAR:] That is cool, though. [UNKNOWN:] You gonna get in it? [MR. REGULAR:] (responding to illegible conversation behind) I know, right? *laughter* [OPE:] We had talked about it, and oh… [MR. REGULAR:] Maybe that- maybe that joke’s a bit much. But people are gonna see it like “do you fit in that thing?” I think with the Ferrari, I put that joke to bed, because that was tight. AT THE BACK OF THE CAR [OPE:] This is where…so there’s an option for these child seats in the back, there’s these child seats that would go right here, and that’s where their feet would go. [MR. REGULAR:] Oh, third row rumble seat? [OPE:] Third row rumble seat facing- [MR. REGULAR:] Facing backwards! [UNKNOWN:] Oh, like the old station wagons! [MR. REGULAR:] -wagons, yeah! [OPE:] That’s- --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR Hmm, when you start driving it, once you get over the lack of any kind of noise, you’re going to notice it steers like a Lexus. The steering is very overboosted, but there’s a heaviness there – it’s in the background a little bit. And if you hold onto the steering wheel, it’s medium squishy like a pool noodle. My pee is the colour of Coca Cola. I have an obstruction, BECAUSE I PUT IT THERE! This is a car for the classier type of gentleman, not the frat boy who can’t be paid to go down on his girlfriend of six years – no, this is the car for the guy who doesn’t brush his teeth after he eats pussy. Because gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, but hey, if they smell his breath and read between the lines, that’s on them. Just like growing old means becoming susceptible to infomercials, driving the Tesla Model S makes you susceptible to the electric car experience. Because this mother-whoring-son-of-a-bitch makes 415 horsepower, and approximately 440 pound feet of torque. I am fully aware of that video of the Tesla Model S confusing a Dyno, but you can draw your own conclusion from that. Very soon, you will see my reaction to driving a Tesla and putting your foot down, and it’s coming, because a Tesla hates my love. --- LIVE RECORDING [OPE:] Yeah, wanna give it the beans on a straight? [MR. REGULAR:] Right…right here? [OPE:] No, just right here. Right here. [MR. REGULAR:] Oh right, right here. [OPE:] Just give it a little oomph. [MR. REGULAR:] Alright, al- *The Tesla sharply accelerates. Mr. Regular is taken aback * [MR. REGULAR:] Holy shit! *laughter* [OPE:] Woah! There you go, there’s your DC motor right there. And here’s eighty. [MR. REGULAR:] You’re right, it’s progressive, it’s like…the thing with normal cars: when you press on it, some of them have that instant torque, but it drops off (indistinguishable) it doesn’t drop off at all! [OPE:] It just stays with you. *cuts to Mr. Regular approaching an on-ramp* [MR. REGULAR:] *laughter* I am Eastman! *accelerates again* Holy shit! Holy crap! [UNKNOWN:] …slowing down… [MR. REGULAR:] I know, right?! [OPE:] And you’re getting about 80 miles per gallon right now as you’re doing that. [MR. REGULAR:] Holy hell! [OPE:] It’s disconcerting… [MR. REGULAR:] What in the…Jesus, I went from 40 miles per hour to *mute* in like half-in like one second… [OPE:] Tap the throttle now…Just tap it…just to feel what it’s like because the torque is always there, and that’s a really interesting thing, because… you drive a high-performance car, and you’re used to having to push a little close just to get – nope, you just tap, and that’s it. Just tap… [MR. REGULAR:] Okay, I’m gonna tap. [UNKNOWN:] That’s awesome. [MR. REGULAR:] That’s awesome! [OPE:] It’s always there. [UNKNOWN:] It’s like a motorcycle. [MR. REGULAR:] Yeah, it is, it is, yeah. I wanna get ahead of these people! *Mr. Regular accelerates* [MR. REGULAR:] Aaaaaaah- holy hell, oh! And that was motorcycle thinking right there! Getting ahead there, like, like…I need to get ahead of that guy! BLAM…or click, click, blam, and there, you’re ahead! [OPE:] Oh yeah, and there’s no transmission. [UNKNOWN:] There’s no click, click, it’s just blam. --- MONOLOGUE by MR. REGULAR There you go. It weakened my resolve with all of it’s yeses. It invokes the same kind of yeses like the last page of Ulysses. Ulysses! You hold that up as great literature, and it is, but there’s no getting around that the last page is nothing but an Irish housewife DIDDLING HERSELF! (TEXT, IN PEACH: diddling herself) Yes, please drive me of all yeses and yes, put the yes pedal to the floor. Yes. Yes, make eye contact with that yes cop, yes. He’s not going to be able to yes me anything - the only yes thing to yes is to outrun a radio, yes. Yes…yes… With a top speed of DEATH IS THE POOR MAN’S DOCTOR! (TEXT, INITIALLY BLACK, THEN WHITE: Death is the poor man’s doctor!) 150mph depending on who you know to mess with the limiter, and a 0-60 of 4.0 – or thereabouts- seconds, again, it’s who you – here’s the thing about the Tesla when it comes to tweaking: it’s gonna become the…modifying the Tesla is going to be the automotive equivalent of you knowing the IT guy at work. Because the Tesla Model S has no interest in holding your hands in the process. This is a car that’s beyond the best of us. No, it’s not a regular car, but damn it, men are flesh, bone and weakness! This is a restorative automobile to the man who can sit inside. It’s a church for the birth of a new religion. You’re fine with BMW until their LEDs cast their unkind light, and you face your own shadow and come to recognise that you want more. You’ve always wanted more. You have an unquenchable thirst with the unobtainable. (whispered) Have you ever separated a man from his soooooul? More Tesla things – pillarless doors, because 1990s Subaru call-back? Projector headlights because laser-concept headlights won’t pass DoT in the states. Behind this square is science, and everything you do is graphed. This is a Valentine One radar detector, because that’s the first accessory you get for a Tesla. Okay, you wanna know what good interior design is? Right here! Right here – look at the sun visor. Where’s the big bummer airbag warning sticker? There it is, crammed all the way to the side, so it doesn’t ruin the art lines inside the car. Good on you, Elon Musk for doing that! I know you can’t totally buck the system, but yeah, get that warning sticker way, way, way over there so I don’t have to look at it! What’s an airbag sticker: it’s just one big C.Y.A. notice! I can think of no other words than this one line from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: “If you have the means, I highly suggest picking one up.” If you do have the means to pick up a Tesla Model S P85, you’ll find yourself in a Lotus Elise situation – you’ll be seen as… a legacy, someone who’s come from money. Even though the outside of a Tesla really doesn’t look it, once people know this is a Tesla, you’ll be Scrooge McDuck with Scrooge McDuck Volt, hoarding all of his money and buying Teslas while everyone else suffers with their Pontiac Sunfires, and Geo Prizms. They’ll see the beloved son - instead of the man who built himself up from the ground to earn the car of his dreams, the car of the future, you’ll be Uncle Pennybags, not Andrew Ryan, and yet, is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? He is. The Tulsa is the sweat of man’s brow. This machine is the summit and the foundation. Romeo and Juliet let the worship of each other get the better of them, but if they had seen this, they would have understood the full scope of what the world has to offer. And maybe they would have bung other people. Maybe, they would have lived on and found happiness with others. Or maybe they would have come back to each other – who knows? They’re fictional. Listen up, students: you want to get a good mark on a Romeo and Juliet test? Pull this out: the moral of Romeo and Juliet is this – okay one of the morals, right, everything is interpretable – here we go: “A good life is experience. (TEXT: A good life is experence) But Romeo and Juliet both threw away that experience. They never had a good life. A good experience is a point of your life. That experience is the foundation of life’s goodness.” And here it is – the Tesla Model S is life experience on wheels. Now, your goal is to get the means to drive one of these things at least once. You deserve it. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN, to the tune of ‘Helena’, My Chemical Romance Sorry, I misspelled your name, Autocorrect is to blame, Hey Angelo White, A-n-gelo White. This Tesla is a perfect car, Like Australian porn stars, Hey Angelo White, Autocorrect bites.