2014 Mazda 6
|Season||The Early Years|
|Air Date||June 28, 2013|
If this car were a book, it would be a grammar textbook. If it were a CD, it would be "NOW That's What I Call Music, Vol 11." If it were a song, it would be the music they play at the Oscars when someone talks too long during their acceptance speech.
OPENING NARRATION by MR. REGULAR If this car were a man, it would be an accountant who can't dress himself, and laughs very loudly and sincerely at knock-knock jokes. --- INTRO SONG: "Hypnotize" by Notorious B.I.G. Close like Starsky and Hutch stick to the clutch Dare I squeeze three at your cherry M3 Bang every~ --- MONOLOGUE by MR. REGULAR Yes, the Mazda 6 is a nice car, for non-car people. It looks fast - and it is perky, the steering wheel looks like it's really something. Oh, the steering wheel looks like it's... REALLY something. Oh, isn't that something, it has a TV screen inside. *excited* Can you watch TV on it? Look at all these BUTTONS! There are buttons on the STEERING WHEEL? The seat sure feels snug. Oh, it rides so nice. Yeah - it rides so nice because it's a new car. The struts are still good, and the rubber suspension bushings aren't cracked and dry. Whatever... The wheels are big, and you can go back to the year 2001 and say "Bling, bling" if you want to. Look - this car is... It's for young pe-no, it's not even for young people. And it's not for old people, either. This is a middle management, "I like cars but I don't really want to know a whole lot about them, I want a car that looks fast, I want a car that does everything, I want it to look fast and have four doors and carry a lot of people but I want it to be big but I want it to be small." If this car were a woman, it would be an unfunny hairstylist. You wanna talk about the engine? What's to talk about? It's a tight four-banger with dual cams and a version of variable valve timing. We've heard that tune since Honda perfected it with the second-generation Prelude back in 1993. Hey, come to think about it, that's what the 2014 Mazda 6 is. It's a four-door Prelude. Oh, hey, that's a good comparison, right? Yeah, you know what, the Prelude is a modern classic! Hold on. That also means that I'm saying this new Mazda 6 is no better than a similar sporty car 20 years ago. If this car were a radio station, it would be Top 40. Aside from some Christmas lights, projector headlights and some controls for the rear seats, inside the trunk, the Mazda 6 doesn't set itself apart from any of the other cages. If it were a store, it'd be Sam's Club. Look, I'm not saying it's a bad car. If it were a bicycle, it would be a Trek. If someone bought one for me, I would-no, I'd sell it right away. If it were a television show, it would be "Everybody Loves Raymond." It's a car for people who like cars, but don't like them enough to get excited over faults. If it were a restaurant, it'd be Olive Garden. I can't find anything wrong with the Mazda 6. And that's what's wrong with it. If it were a non-alcoholic beverage, it would be Crystal Light. If it were an alcoholic beverage, it would be Michelob Ultra. Heh, if it were a compilation album, it would be "Bonnie Raitt's Greatest Hits." If it were a porn website, it would be Pichunter.