2014 Honda Civic Si
|Season||The Great Maybe|
|Air Date||April 27, 2015|
Honda again. The Si is all North America has. Yes there's a Type-R coming...maybe. For now, this Civic Si stands as the gold standard by with all affordable sport economy cars measure themselves.
This is the car when you live in Bernville and everything you know about the world comes from Jim Gardner. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of (???) You've got the light, You've got the light, You've got the light, Why don't you freakin' move?! --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR Four-door Civic Si. This is the car you drive when you're racing against time to get McDonald's before they stop selling Shamrock Shakes. You can't be sure if it's actually meant to you or the green is tricking your brain into paying out the ass for a plain vanilla shake, but what you do know is that the Shamrock Shake is like a deadbeat dad who only shows up when he needs money, and the Civic Si is the single mom that taught to you to manage your expectations in the future. While this still offers some of the positives of the 7th Generation Honda Civic, the fact of the matter is that competition is steeper now on the market. Sure, it's still got good fuel economy for the price and an interior that's as roomy as a room after a one twin eats the other in utero, but it feels like a lot of people who would normally drive a Civic today are gonna go with the Mazda3. The Si can still offer you a smooth agreeable ride, but it will never be something that the automotive enthusiasts are gonna moisten the sheets over. Remember the CamMaster from a few weeks back? Put one of your average enthusiasts in one of those and he'll Siren Nation his pants after 30 seconds. But this? It's got a ride you appreciate, but never particularly enjoy. It's like a minor sore you keep telling yourself you get looked at, but you don't have health insurance and you're waiting here back from the Medicaid office, so you keep putting it off. And then before long you forget you even had a problem. You aren't sure if you're getting better or if you're just getting used to the pain. Either way, you know your situation isn't ideal but it becomes normal to you. And that's the Civic Si in a nutshell. An agreeable but less than ideal situation that seeks up on you. I mean, it didn't start off that way every time you hit VTEC in the new Civic Si it's YADADATATATATATATA VTEC I'VE GOT A LITTLE DIAGRA- We get it. We get it Honda, you have a variable valve timing like everybody else. It's just your acronym is easy to say. It's not like you made a bad car, but you don't seem to know what you wanted to be. Is it a commuter car, a family car, a car for teaching you teenage daughter how to get out of speeding tickets? It's got a transverse 4-cylinder engine like everybody else, it's got 205 horsepower, which is five more horsepower than the 1984 hot air Buick Grand National, and it doesn't take a whole lot of guesswork to see why the Civic has been the Venn diagram of consumer interest for so long. It wants you to test it. It's the girlfriend asking you to slap her as hard as you can during sex, just to see if you'll do, but you tell yourself you're not gonna do it, you're not gonna give in. You're going to keep your humanity. But then, your foot hits the pedal and you give her just a little gas AND SUDDENLY YOU'VE FALLEN DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. And you've done it. You've enjoyed a Honda Civic. You're a car guy. Congratulations. You've just had a handjob on wheels. This is your Waterloo, your automotive walk of shame. You know what? Don't let it be, don't you dare to let it be. Part of being a car guy means you'll just give about any car fair shake. It's not much what's under the hood that makes a car guy, but what he experiences behind the wheel. Car guys like the cars they love are complex creatures. They come in all shapes and sizes from all sorts of origins and multiple sexes. I've loved cars for as long as I can remember, I love driving, I love tinkering, I love talking about cars, I love comparing stupid facts, I love taking the long way home, I love being knowledgeable enough to be opinionated but not so cultured that I can't still learn, because I love learning. And yet not everybody is the same way and that's OK. As long as you like cars, you're a car guy. As long you respect cars, you're a car guy. I'm using the word 'guy' unisexually, as long as you want to learn, as long as you want to feel and as long as your sense of wonder never stalls, you're a car guy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that ripping on a car doesn't preclude a deeper appreciation for those cars, but sometimes you have to pull down your pants and drip fudge all over a Honda Civic Si (as Harold Slovinski) because this is the car that kids like! --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of (???) Tell me what you fell about the Si car, It's Honda strong, I'm rather speechless. I just had a lot to drink, I wrote this song at an open mike, I never thought so many styles can get a man so drunk.