2014 Ford Fiesta ST
|Season||The Great Maybe|
|Air Date||December 29, 2014|
Tiny car. Tiny turbo. Loads of fun. One way ticket. Solid alibi. Reciprocating saw. Multiple states. Cash only. Ek praat Afrikaans vandag. Ek kan wegsteek op die Kaap. Verenigde State van Amerika geld koop baie Volkswagens. Kom ons kuier. Waar is die biblioteek? Die pen is in my hand. Die boek. Die boek! Die boek. Hoeveel rand sal dit neem vir gereelde motor resensies aan ZA kom?
Here is the link to the ruling report: https://www.nhtsa.gov/cars/rules/rulings/roll_resistance/#a_ssf
Acting as a call-back to the Citi Golf review, most of the description is in Afrikaans. In English, it reads: "I speak Afrikaans today. I can hide in the Cape. United States money to buy many Volkswagens. Come visit us. Where is the library? The pen is in my hand. The book. The book! The book. How much would it take for Regular Car Reviews to SA come?"
[AUDIO FADE IN, MR. REGULAR:] You’ve asked for this car since we began Regular Car Reviews, and finally, we have one, so let’s do this. WHY IS THERE A HOSE GOING FROM THE AIRBAG PLUMBING INTO THE CABIN?! WHY ARE YOU PUMPING SOUNDS INTO THE CAR?! YOU’RE NOT BMW, FORD! NOW CUT IT OUT! [TEXT: Cut it out!] --- INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN, to the tune of ‘Chandelier’, Sia This ain’t a Benz, But it’s plenty for me, Oh, it’s plenty for me… --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR The larger, faster-in-a-straight-line, more-powerful Focus ST is selling for less. But why? [TEXT: But why?] The Fiesta ST is quick when the road gets very tight, because this is a small car: this is a 1980s-small-car small. This is a small car like the Dodge Omni was small. The Fiesta ST is smaller than my Honda Fit, and it has almost twice the horsepower as a Fit, and it gets better gas mileage than a Honda Fit. In 1976, the Ford Fiesta was stomped into being by the heavy-heavy monster sound, the nuttiest sound around in the UK. Seriously, Madness and the Fiesta were formed in the same year, 1976. [TEXT: Madness and the Fiesta were formed in the same year: 1976] Now listen, buster – us Yanks never got the Fiesta until 2010, but this car has been rock-steady in the UK ever since 2 Tone. My people are being introduced to the Fiesta late in the game, it’s like discovering The Toasters in high school with ‘Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down’ during the crest of ska’s third wave – you think they’re a new band, but then your art teacher says, “nope, they’ve been around ten years now”, and then he pulls out ‘New York Fever’ on vinyl and you realise you’re too hip to be cool. This North American Fiesta ST makes 180 horsepower at the crank from a 1.6 litre with a mini turbo and the top speed is reported 136 miles per hour. Torque vectoring, yes! Mmm! That is a shady way of saying the front brake pads corral the nose of the car and wear themselves out. But if that keeps you from cartwheeling for your superintendent’s front lawn while he’s on all-fours in his living room watching a VHS tape of Titan A.E. while he binds his crooked dick with confiscated silly bands, and he stole a TI85 graphing calculator and he’s shoving it in and out of his ass while a model train goes in a slow circle in the corner, his main coon cat is indifferent, but the Chinese food delivery man keeps ringing the doorbell. If torque vectoring keeps you from seeing that, so be it. BUT WHEN THE SKIES OPEN AND ALL THE WHORES COME RAINING DOWN WEARING AIR-COOLED PORSCHE 911 T-SHIRTS AND CHANTING ABOUT THE DEATH OF MANUALS…look right here. Here it is. It’s not going anywhere. Now look over here, look at the driver’s mirror. It has a built-in double mirror, one of those little convex sort-of things you can see farther out, you need this. But do you know why? [TEXT: But do you know why?] Do you know why those little things exist? Because roll-over protection and side curtain airbags exist. You wanna know the history of this? Okay, here’s what’s going on: families and insurance agencies want cars to be safer. On June 1st, 2000, with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration’s ruling report, which you can read right here: [TEXT: Click here for link] [ANNOTATION: https://www.nhtsa.gov/cars/rules/rulings/roll_resistance/#a_ssf] A precedent was set, requiring a car’s roof to be able to support the weight of the car in the event of a roll-over crash. Look here: Section F, bullet point number four: this section is a reaction and proposed suggestions to the whole report, and everything that came before – the whole report up until this point said this: People are getting into roll-over crashes even when we tell them to be careful. We gave cars bad test ratings and people are still buying them…*grumble* What are we gonna do? The first point said: “Cause drivers to obey speed limits-” nope! That’s not gonna happen. Bullet point two: “Improve roadways with paved-” Eh, nope, nope, state budgets, money, money, money, that’s not gonna happen. Point number three: “Promote Electronic Stability Control-” Even on small cars, price point, nope, that’s not gonna happen. Bullet point number four: “Promote crashworthiness improvements including active restraint systems, tubular and side curtain airbags, new belt reminder systems, and structural crashworthiness improvements” – ooh, there we go. That’s what they did. Because that was the only suggestion to this problem that would work in the real world. The reason why all cars, including small ones like this have poor visibility is because all pillars are bigger, because they hold thicker frame pieces and airbags, because of this report from the year 2000. And that’s where it all began, and that’s why it’s hard to see out of the Fiesta ST. But back to the Fiesta ST as a car – no doughnut! You get a full-sized spare in this car! The seats fold down, but not all the way down, and that’s something the Fit can do that the Fiesta can’t. *interspersed with Mr. Regular burping* But… [TEXT: But…] Even though it can’t haul like other hatchbacks, and it has a sound symposer, and the rear suspension is non-independent, what is it like to drive? Allegory: [TEXT: Allegory:] Ever see two dads talking in Boscov’s - in the pants section, of course – and one of them has a five-year-old son. And the five-year-old is pulling at dad’s arm. Kid wants to go, he wants to get out of here, he’s pulling on dad’s arm, but dad is talking to the other adult, and he’s going, “bla bla, mortgage, bla bla McNab, bla bla co-pay, blablabla visualisation, blablabla visitation, blablabla court date, blabla arson, blabla topsoil, blabla force-flex yard bags, blabla hungry man microwaving dinner, blabla burner phone, blabla alibi.” And the kid is tugging, he is pulling on his dad’s arm as hard as he can, and he-he’s go- “let’s go, let’s- c’mon, let’s go!” And he’s pulling so hard that his dad’s arm is outstretched, and dad has to lean and he leans with it, but he pretending not to notice because he’s still going: “blablabla one-way ticket, blablabla cashier’s check, blablabla Montana, blablabla canned beans, blabla lay low for a while, blablabla VW Westphalia.” And all the while the kid is pulling, he is pulling, he is pulling, “c’mon, let’s go, let’s go, let’s gooooo!” *fades out to engine noise* [MR. REGULAR:] *laughing* That is so cool. Oh, what am I in, third, no problem merging in this! *Mr. Regular picks up speed, merging onto the highway* [MR. REGULAR:] Oh! That is nice! Ah, this thing’s fun! *back to monologue* That’s what it’s like to drive a Fiesta ST. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN This Ford’s a Fiesta, The trim is the ST, Oh, the cabin, it has comfy Recaro front bucket seats, But I always thought I’d end up driving something large and contemptuous for peace(?), It bothers me to say, I’m jealous of the way, It’s handsomer than me, But that’s just A-Okay, It isn’t in my way, Competing for hot dates. ---