2014 Corvette C7 Stingray
|Model||Corvette C7 Stingray|
|Season||The Boulder Roadtrip|
|Air Date||September 1, 2014|
The Corvette C7 represents America's desire to be taken seriously in the eyes of Europe. This is nothing new. We've been doing it since Henry James Ex-Patted his way from coffee house to coffee house trying to capture the perfect Portrait of a Lady. The C7 goes off faster than I do when I refrain from TOUCHING MYSELF for a week. You can't see out the back because the ass of the car is higher than your head. Plus, this car is so hyped in every blog...so we'll see.
Chevrolet Corvette Stingray. This car, more than any other, represents America's desire to be taken seriously by Europe. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of FINAL FANTASY VII's WORLD MAP MUSIC: C7 Stingray, This is a new review. It rained on the shoot day, It does this every time we do, A new Corvette. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR: It doesn't matter how many Aston Martins this car beats, it can never be one. And that's the tragedy of Corvette. This car is faster than Aston Martins. This is faster than a Ferrari. Which Ferrari? I dunno, pick one that's slower than this. A Corvette is always a big fish in a small pond. Why is that? The seventh-generation Corvette is the first to bear the Stingray name since the second and third generation way the hell back in 1976. Back when Pittsburgh could still win an NCAA football title. And sex with Congressman Wayne Hays paid fourteen grand a year. But even though they shared a name, the aesthetic of this new Stingray represents a perfectly significant departure from the classic third-generation model. Gone are the angular, circumcision-is-for-pussies hood shape. That's been replaced by a smoother look that recalls style-over-substance endeavors like Michael Bay's Transformers movies. And this is because this was in a Transformers movie. Yes, this car, in this exact color (Caption: No, not this exact car) starred as Crosshairs in Transformers: The Age of Extinction this summer. Which means this is technically the first time I can say I've been inside an actor. HURHRHRMMM. ALTHOUGH IT WON'T BE THE LAST TIME, BURT REYNOLDS. This C7 model has a 6.2-liter V8 and a seven-speed manual transmission which go together like Flag Pole Sitta and Semi-Charmed Life on an Ultimate 90s mix tape. It makes 455 horsepower and goes from 0 to 60 in 3.8 seconds. Which is enough to get you revved up an raring to try something stupid before realizing you're not Chris Harris or even Zach Clapman in a Miata. So you slam on the brakes, nut in your BVDs and wonder how a complete non-ending on the scale of Tomb Raider 2 could GET YOU SO HARD. Y'know what? The last time we did a Corvette it was also raining. So how about this? *snap* Bam! Second C7. The C7 is a car for the guy who finds a way to work his interest in carbon fiber into every conversation. This guy only knows about happiness anecdotally. He brews his own IPA and gives it as a condolence gift at funerals in lieu of flowers. The Stingray is the official car of the guy you stopped hanging out with because you can't have a conversation anymore. You see, he just discovered The Wire and finished it all in a marathon weekend while sitting in a recliner, caked in thick musk of Dorito dust and BALL SWEAT. He recommended it to you now and by the third day he's wanting to talk your ear off about the Barksdale investigation and now 80% of every conversation is him asking if you've started watching it yet and obnoxiously listening to the reasons why you shouldn't if you haven't. And the reason he's doing this is because you could drive this car every day. Seven-speed manual gearbox. If you take this, put it in seventh gear and go forty miles an hour, you are turning around 700 RPM. --- POV DRIVE: R: Seventh speed... heheheh. I'm going forty miles an hour... in seventh gear... and the engine is turning fuckin'... s- just over seven hundred RPM. And it still pulls. In seventh gear. This car is amazing. Stop sign! --- The thing about safety regulations is now even convertibles have to have comparable side impact protection. That means these door sills are up against your damn cheeks. What does that mean? Well, that means that you have use the back up camera if you want to turn around. Even if you have the top down you're not seeing out the back of this thing, you have to use the camera. Just the way it is. But the C7 is one of these cars that splits the line between sports car and GT car so well. It's the perfect car for a seven-hour road trip powered solely by podcasts from Corolla Digital. IT'S THE OFFICIAL CAR OF TWO-FISTED HANDJOBS. BANGING INTERNS IN EXECUTIVE WASHROOMS. IT JUST SCREAMS, "I BEAT OFF TO MONEY AND I SAW 'THE WOLF OF WALL STREET' ELEVEN TIMES." That said, it's not as if the Stingray doesn't have its merits. Again, let's go back to the whole 'us versus Europe' thing. I mean, even if there's supposed to be a 'versus'. Adversarial competition is what drives innovation so why not have this conversation? With BMW you're paying more for the brand than the actual product and the same can be said of Corvette. But with Corvette lip service is at least paid to the notion of performance and drivability. It's a car that backs up its appearance with tight handling, slick cornering and a ride that almost feels like you're gliding on the kitchen floor in your socks. Hitting the gas for the first time is a breakthrough experience with the C7. --- POV DRIVE: O: Give 'er some gas, man. R: Yeah? Like... O: Ya, go ahead. Take off, take off. Just. (acceleration, one upshift) R: Whoa. O: Yeah. R: Ahahahahmhmhmhm... O: So yeah, so... that's- it's ther- --- Like that first sip of Clover Farms icy tea on a field day in seventh grade it takes you back to a primordial condition. But is there a way this could be more appealing to the average consumer? That's the weird thing about Corvette. It's existed as a name for so long, if you have one people just see it as 'a Corvette'. The chasm between the C5 and the C7 is greater than the chasm between the C5 and the C2. I'm sorry to beat a dead brake shoe but what is the point to an electronic emergency brake? I mean, really, a motorized system that makes the car heavier which can affect handling and performance and for no other discernible reason than what, exactly? Ho- how is this easier? I realize there's probably a redundant system in this somewhere but when you look at that electronic parking brake all you're thinking is, "When is this component going to fail?" These are just little problems. But little problems can amount to big money left on the table since it seems Corvette is mostly just preaching to the choir with the C7. It's like they're saying, "To Hell with new customers, let's pitch this one to the consumer who'd have to think about it for a minute." If an intruder had a gun to his kid's head or to his 'Vette's V8. You should do what you can to satisfy your existing customer base but ignoring the common man is just one of those mistakes of hubris that makes no sense. It's actually worse than just leaving money on the table. It's actually just droppin' a deuce on money and lighting it ablaze. I suppose we're just taking a very court of middle-negative view on the C7 because everybody else has hyped it so much. And when you hype something so much, inevitably someone like me is gonna take the opposite viewpoint. Yes, it's true the C7 is Guardians of the Galaxy while the Viper is Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles. But you can only fanhump something so much until someone climbs up to the mezzazine (sic: should be mezzanine) and takes an existentialist look at the orgy on the floor. But still, the C7 is like a beautiful woman whose only talent is being beautiful. So she doesn't think she has to learn things like HOW TO BANG because she thinks just being her is good enough for you. But while I appreciate that a nice-looking woman is willing to ride my beef thermometer, I prefer a woman who hasn't had it so easy. And who knows you don't want it any easy either. Get me an ugmo C4 any day. UGMOS'LL DO YOU RIGHT. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN Paint my girlfriend's face with narco babies, We don't need to procreate anyway. The only baby I need is sitting in my driveway, 2014 Corvette C7 Stingray. And if you don't wanna be with me, girl, If you wanna talk trash on my 'Vette, Then go back to recommending Donnie Darko, To strangers that you've never met. If you drove the Z51 then maybe you would understand, Why I'm a Corvette man, I'm a Corvette man.