2014 Chevrolet Malibu LT
|Season||The In-Between Days|
|Air Date||November 30, 2015|
Don't drink and drive because if you do, you're part of the problem. It's okay to drink, stand in your bedroom and talk into a microphone. The Chevy Malibu is a car in which you can tell a black-guy joke. It's also a car for people who just want a car and that weird drink where they latch Corona bottle upside down to the glass at an angle. Corona Rita Margarita. Blegh.
Everyone, man-up and lean to love Gin Martinis.
My contacts itch.
"This review, I'm drunk, I've been drinkin' martinis all night and listen, I know this is a car show but if you guys drink and drive you're part of the problem and you deserve whatever happens to you. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN Oooh he's drunk drunk, oooh he's drunk drunk! Oooh he's drunk drunk, oooh he's drunk drunk! Oooh he's drunk drunk, oooh he's drunk drunk! Oooh he's drunk drunk, oooh he's drunk drunk! --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR We're three martinis deep, going on four- fnnnheh... Chevy Malibu Eco rental car. This is for people who hate driving but who also only a- buy American cars. I mean, the Malibu used to be a performance car and a platform in which you dropped 350 cubic inches of GM FREEDOM. But now around mal- now Malibus are rental cars. This is a car for people whose- their favorite drink is Diet Coke. And their favorite TV is- show is the Big Bang Theory. And they have a job where they will work in the same building for the rest of their lives. Oooh, I drive a Malibu. I-sus- let's talk about church. William Howard Taft was the second President to own a car but he was too fat to drive it and now I'm not sure what the car he owned was in 1909 but na- I don't know, who cares. But I imagine if we elect Chris Christie this is gonna be the First Car the First Family never gets to use. The Malibu is a car that was birthed from the rib of the Chevelle in the same year that gave us the Mustang, 1964. And from that year came a car that endured creation the same way tofu endures: you can use it for pretty much anything. Kid on his way to college? We'll give him a Malibu. (Caption: Ursinus pay 4 colleg) Retired money of three, retired *mother* of three on her way to a- to the bus terminal to pick up her red-nosed grandson? Well, that's a Malibu. Number-crunching weirdo from the cubicle office looking for a quickie with the mistress behind Cigars International in Hamburg? *sniff* Mm. Malibu. The car's a Jack of All Trades but a master of none. Basically this car's- is an English degree on four wheels. Whatever use it has relies entirely on the person who wields it and their capacity for doing stuff. The Malibu is the car that that one friend drives. You know, the one who thinks they can do voices for everybody? Ever? But he doesn't have a Robert de Niro or a Michael Caine? His Christopher Walken is crap and his Peter Griffin sounds like a guy from Boston getting kicked in the dick when his girlfriend changes the channel in the fourth quarter of the Pats game. Here's a general rule about impressions: Everyone has a Hank Hill but no one has a *good* Hank Hill. I PENETRATE MY GIRLFRIEND WITH TASTYKAKE CRUMPETS AND FIND THE MEANING OF LIFE HIDDEN IN THE MARGINS OF HER NEWLY RASPBERRY'D FOLDS! The Malibu offers a sn-... 'S a ride. This is a car. I suppose the best way to describing it is 'uncomplicated.' The Malibu is a lot of things but it isn't a Rolex on a stiff dick because this isn't going to give you a hard time. But there's still a place for this car on the market. I mean, the Malibu had to get it together, this isn't the 70s anymore. The base model of the Malibu offers the 2.5-liter four-cylinder from the EcoTec line. But you can also get a 2.0-liter four-cylinder with a turbo for some damn reason. Which gives you more power but at the expense of the Malibu's big selling point, or one of them anyway, its fuel economy. I mean, all the Eco does is it- is it shuts off the engine like a golf cart. Aw, could this be anything other than a RENTAL CAR? I mean it's a direct injection engine so you'd think it would be banging. But it's- it's quieter than most types. I mean, direct injection engines have a sound but they haven't nailed it down yet. This is because the Malibu managed to be pretty conservative with its fuel consumption, getting 25 miles per gallon city and 36 highway? That is impressive for a car that makes almost 200 horsepower, 196 pounds... bleh, 196 horsepower and 186 pounds of torque. But with a cloud with a silver lining that's still a cloud. So you're not getting much more in the way of performance than what's advertised. Nothing more, nothing less. This isn't a car that's going to trick you into thinking that there's something extra beneath the hood than it has. It's a dependable daily driver and that's it. That's it! You're not gonna be racing Dominic and Letty on the mean streets of wherever Fast and the Furious movies are taking place right now. And for some people, this will be enough. It'll be okay. Not everybody is going to throw da hammer down and tear up the streets, some people just want to drive their Accords and get away from the wife for a couple hours. I mean, that's what golf is. And that's an Adam Carolla joke, not mine. Others just like to shut out the days in their Malibus. You know those teachers who put in twelve-to-fourteen hour days and just want to relax at home getting drunk like I am right now? But they still need to come up with a lesson plan for a unit on reading comprehension? Because you're being observed on Thursday and the administration is none too pleased but they can't say why? Because your average school administration is staffed by people who completely rank somewhere between Kell from Good Burger and Jake from State Farm? The teacher's going to keep on grinding. Because this job means something to her. And it still does in this age of standardized tests and overmedicated kids. It's a person that deserves a car that she can rely on. So shine on, you crazy Malibu! Maybe that teacher will get to visit your namesake when she retires. Okay, your average Malibu owner never wrapped his finger in toilet paper - ehahahah- in the seventh grade and took a break from Skills for Adolescent class and shoved it up his ass in the empty bathroom to find out what it'd be like to be BUTT RAUNCHED. And I can say all the bad things I want about this because this is a rental car! No owner to piss off. I wonder where the rev limiter is? --- POV DRIVE: R: This thing's staying - first gear. 'Kay, it's in first gear. ...No one coming? (accelerating) O: Beans. R: Okay, foot on the floor... (accelerating, hits rev limit) R: Heheheh, there it is. Six point- there's where it hits. (Owner laughs) R: Six thousand... Mmmmm, Six-thousand-six, six six six thousand seven. Is where it hits the rev limiter. But it doesn't bounce, it just went up, it went nnnnn- O: Yeah, it- it- 'cause there's no mechanical connection between the accelerator and the throttle- R: Oh, so it just holds it there. O: -and the computer just- "no, I got it from here." --- You know what you do? You take British bum liquor and then mix it with Italian hobo wine and then fff- fff fheheh- and then pour it over Mediterranean tree balls. And you know what you get? You get a drink for sophisticated Americans. (Caption: Gin Martini.) You know what the Malibu is? It's a car for your dad to yell the N-word in. Chevy Malibu, the- he heheh (continuing laughter~) It's the car for eating super-chunky Jif straight outta the jar with a butterknife while you cram farts into your EZ Chair while watching the Weather Channel. "Oh, the barometer is dropping." --My Dad Aeh- and then later your dad comes up, he's like, "Your mother needs- your mother says we have to burn that chair." No seriously, my dad once- he farted a chair up so bad we had to take it out to the burn pile ahahnd- and pour lawnmower gasoline on it and burn it, it got so bad. Urh, but this is a car for rental fleets! Ad- This is a car that's really hard to mess up. I mean, thank you GM for trying to stick with the modern era by putting four cylinders in American cars. I mean, every single dad who's gonna drive this is like, "This drives so well! I can't believe it's a four-cylinder!" Because they grew up in an age where it was either V8 or V6, you know, "V8 if you're a man, V6 if you're the girlfriend." But now everything's four-cylinder. And four-cylinder's fine. That's what this car is. It's fine. (Singing) Dear martinis, I love you a lot. --- (opens compartment behind infotainment screen) Drugs go here. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN (Backup vocals:) Oooh he's drunk drunk, oooh he's drunk drunk This little car is just ""okay"", If you like crumpets and Ben Gay, A cloud that has a silver lining, Well, that's kinda still a cloud, Direct injection engine sound, Quiet as Sunday church and farts, But God keeps helpin' anyway, And he can still judge you for this car, I want to try this Malibu, Right through this broside fall, I'm angsty and I'm seventeen, And hey I made it all (?)... (Oooh he's drunk drunk, oooh he's drunk drunk) --- [Ed. note: If you can hear that last lyric well, go ahead and submit a fix.]