2013 Scion FRS and Subaru BRZ
|Owner (Scion FR-S)||'Toes'|
|Owner (Subaru BRZ)||James|
|Air Date||January 19, 2014|
Save us FRS! Rescue me BRZ! I want a fun car like people had in the 1980's! I want to come to terms with my love of women who "have something extra!" The FRS is a sports car's Sports Car. Is this really the savior that every Gamer-tag is trumpeting it to be? Not really, it's a muted sports car that won't hurt you when it catches you trying give yourself a handy at at red light in Brownstown.
This is the first review in which not one, but two cars are reviewed at the same time.
Driving an FR-S is like playing minigolf with your mom. You'll get all the mulligans you want. --- FR-S INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN Rear wheel drive is a rarity, We preserve the idea for posterity... --- Save us! Save us! Save us, shreet (?) bleachers of unbent brims and undescended testicles. Save us! Save us, FR-S! Save us from ourselves! Save us from mundanes! Please, save us from front wheel drive, save us from bootleg Type R stickers! Surely, surely this machine will turn back time to the 1980s and prevent my SHEMALE PORN ADDICTION! (whispered) Hear the crickets? The FR-S is an everyday sports car that, through a clutch that grabs really high - I gotta say this for a second, the clutch is extremely weird in this car. It's like pulling a compound bow, it's hard hard hard hardhar-easy. It's nothin' nothin' nothin' uuuuugLLLH MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD DOWN MY PENIS. And it has tiny wheels that give up easy which results in a car that lets you experience recklessness (sic) endangerment motions within the speed limit so right on there. Toyota and Subaru knew that modifications were inevitable so the exhaust cutouts around the rear bumper are waaay bigger than the stock tips as if to say, "Okay, we know you're gonna cram some big SHEMALE PORN ADDICTION in there so we made room for you." --- BRZ INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN FR-S or BRZ, It doesn't really matter, they're the same to me, It's a matter of choice like Mass Effect, But then the thought of Boxer engines make MY MASS ERECT! --- Subaru BRZ! The BRZ doesn't have Space Invaders or an XBOX Live account. It does cost more than the Scion and you can still go to Subie meets and all the STI guys'll go, "ONE OF US, ONE OF US, ONE OF US, ONE OF US!" But driving a BRZ or FR-S is a reverse Antique Roadshow. Each car comes equipped with a monologue in the form of upholstery seats which rub your shoulders and say, "Oh, isn't this special? Oh yeah, yeah, you hang on to what you got. Yeah, this car'll be worth something someday. Oh it will, it will!" (Caption: This bit here is one long obscure joke for English Major Nerds.) But spin the wheels. Red. Skip the yellow. Green. Girlfriend scared. Cross. She's in the back. Maybe shady. Says to do it no more. Caught eyes with a Veloster. Fate is sealed. Done. A done deal. Hummers are out of sight tonight. --- (FR-S) (Harold Slovinski voice) This is the brand that kids like! Just like a kid, the FR-S is learning about its new kind of feelings and new emotions and teen choices. And this means it has eyes like tear ducts. The owner of this FR-S needed more head unit and more nav. No seriously, Space Invaders. Look, everywhere. It's just- it- have you not noticed this? There's Space Invaders everywhere on this car. This plug senses things. This sticker means something. --- (BRZ) (MEAT voice) OKAY, IT'S GROWNUP TIME. There's an extra step to start this BRZ, I be- oooooh it's down here. These little lines unlock the door somehow. Grownups don't need a white tachometer. --- (FR-S) Kiiiiiiiids... But modernist babblings aside, the FR-S, or BRZ if you have the dough, is the perfect car for analog stick drivers. There's no sense in getting an E36 or an AW11 which poses genuine risk and danger to the driver. Driving an E36 doped up on courage and heartache carries the same wrathful consequences as sliding on two extra 45-pound plates and going for a new personal best without a spotter. Stupid. It's stupid- why would you do that? And an AW11, well, the kids think they're epic (Caption: Over-used adjective) but I don't see any of them eager to learn how to understand a cryptic OBD1 ECU. Nope, it's best to have an FR-S. It's best to have a nerfed version of speed and cornering than go for something that becomes unmanageable. And very, very insurance deductible real. What I'm saying is this: an FR-S feels fast all the time. Yes, it's a Subaru boxter but it doesn't make the German Shepherd chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga panting sound. It goes fvvvwww because FR-Ss and BRZs have equal-length headers on either side of the pots. Pots? Snots? Knots? Dots? Rumps? Slumps? Dumps? SHEMALE PORN ADDICTION! It's hard to say whether the FR-S, BRZ and for people in Australia, the 86, whatever that is, is going to be the savior everybody wanted it to be. Some people say it's the last great cheap sports car. But are these things going to be valuable in twenty years? I don't know. --- OUTRO - MR REGULAR driving with THE OWNER: R: See, that was it, it was, like, half hour. Including the time it takes for everything to drain out. O: My issue was- is- that, uh, (unintelligible). (Accelerating) R: Oh hoh yeah! Ooohooh, that is satisfying. Oh, I can see why this is such a popular car. O: It's a fun ride- R: Even when we're still under forty but just within the speed limit you can have fun. O: Yes. R: Yeah.