2013 Hyundai Veloster Turbo
|Air Date||January 26, 2014|
The Veloster is to Hyundai in 2013 what the CB750 was to Honda in 1969. The Hyundai Veloster is the gem of the company's new Premium Youth Lab sub-brand, filling the gaping wound the Tiburon left on the mortal flesh of Hyundai's corporate carcass in 2008.
If I had the money for a turbocharged hatchback, I would buy a used Honda CX650 and a Dodge Omni.
The Veloster Turbo is eventually revisited two seasons later in an unscripted video.
OPENING by MR. REGULAR: Hyundai Veloster Turbo: Unns unns unns unns unns unns blow off valve, unns unns unns unns melon baller up my ass. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: Veloster Turbo, second to none, It's got a push button start like a PS1, And the elderly drool, When I give them the deets on how the heated seats loosen up my stool. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR: When business majors talk about 'organizational inertia', they're not just talking about a company's resistance to change, but about an entire principal that supports detrimentally outdated business practices. Because, what is 'organizational inertia' but embracing stagnation, fellating the past while letting the future die on a vine. Look at, look at Netflix, they rule the world right now because they've shown a willingness to adapt to the needs and demands of their users. Physical media going by the wayside? "Here, here, have some streaming options." Recession in effect? "Oh, hey, have access to our entire library for $7.99 a month!" Look, we're not trying to shill for Netflix here, but there remains a simple guiding principal for businesses that want to survive in a changing cultural climate: Give your users what they actually want. Not just what you think they want, or what you yourself want, because that's a zero sum game. Track day, bro! Of course, this is really just a roundabout way of saying that tailoring a specific model of car to the youth is a solid plan. It's isn't really the same thing as changing an existing business model to accommodate a new way of thinking, though. (The) Hyundai Veloster was the gem of the company's new premium youth lab sub-brand, filling the gap wound the Tiburon left on the mortal flesh of Hyundai's corporate carcass in 2008. The Veloster Turbo is a franken-car, a vehicular chimera or however you pronounce that. That fish that looks like everything. Half coupe, half sedan, half sports car, and half hatchback, stitched together with an asymmetrical door configuration. You get Blue Link technology, which is meant to undermine the ubiquity of OnStar, and vehical diagnostic features to prevent the lay-person from getting rooked by their hob-legged mechanic from Yonkers. The Veloster name is a combination of 'velocity' and 'roadster', with the form of a coupe and the function of an economy car. Struts in the front, and a twist beam axle in the back, like a mullet for a new era. With three doors, a hatch, a big ass, and purposeless sunroof, this is the three tittied hooker from Total Recall. The Veloster Turbo has power steering which suffers from impotency problems, and it has to spend all its time next to the naturally aspirated standard base model, making 138 horsepower on a 1.6 liter four and a six speed manual, chugging up to sixty miles per hour in 8.5 seconds. Again, an economy car in a Men's Wearhouse dinner jacket. And that naturally aspirated model starts close to $23,000, which is pretty hard to justify for your average youth consumer. Yeah, sure, it looks cool, but there's hardly any substance there so why hang around? Any justification to keep parking your ass in the Veloster's heated seats rings hollow. You know, it's like continuing to hang out with the friends you had in middle school. Sure Todd Von Schwarchtenheim seemed awesome at the time, but that's only because he had Pokemon Blue, caught Missingno without calling Nintendo Hotline, and already touched a live titty by age eleven. Hyundai Veloster, the official car of self-editing one's own life decision. But, hey, at least the Hyundai didn't reduce suspension to keep it from swaying. The slight, Newton's Cradle-like sway is what keeps the drive from being a complete afterthought with the Turbo. The Veloster is contemporaneous with similar economy coupes that illustrate how car companies view their youth climate. Accentuating with what they believe to be learned helplessness of this generation through "it does it all for you" handling of the turbo, and its "YOLO, look what I can do!" ideology. Hyundai wants this to be the car for twenty-somethings that hate seeing other people succeed. You might not notice it straight away, but the Hyundai Veloster Turbo is fueled by proletariat loathing. No man with calloused hands will love you for owning one of these, nor will your anti-capitalist girlfriend appreciate the sharp angles and classic sports car configuration. For that class based relationship, this will be the last straw, yeah this will be the straw that broke the camel's back, somewhere between owning a Waterman gold fountain pen and refusing to read House of Leaves all the way through. I could go on about the specifications, like the 256 Newton-meters of torque, twin exhausts, the massive front grill like the mouth of a multi-platinum hip-hop washout, or the engine output of 151 kilowatts (sup, Marty and Moog) anywhere between 1750 and 4500 RPM. And I could chat about the roll top concept model of 2012 and the zombie survival model of 2013. Or I could talk about something else entirely! Maybe Naked Lunch, or the Teapot-Dome Scandal, or the presidency of Martin Van Buren and the Free Soil Party, or the new season of Game of Thrones, but I would just be giving dry facts that talk about the problem instead of addressing it, and organizational inertia just doesn't get me off like it used to. But, then again maybe we're seeing something new here. The Hyundai Veloster Turbo may be for Hyundai what the Honda CB750 was for Honda back in 1969, right? Hyundai, back in the nineties, was that fat kid in gym class who was truckin' and giving 110% into gym class, and oh he's - flag football. But here comes Honda's well established, and he's all goth now, and he's cutting the filters off of his cigarettes, and he's just loping across the goal line, and y'know he doesn't take good care of himself but gets pussy anyway. But Hyundai in the nineties knew what it was doing, it was offering that gigantic, what, 'America's Best Warranty' and 100,000 miles. And Honda was going "We're Honda... uhhhh...." Hyundai doesn't really have a race team but maybe it doesn't need to. The guy who owns this Veloster was telling me that the turbo, even though it's connected to the exhaust manifold, it's capable of 20 pounds. Right, 20 pounds out of a stock car. And because of reasons, the owner capped the blow off valve just so it's louder. So maybe high schoolers of today don;t look at Hyundai as the cheap Honda, it may be coming into its own. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: We're all in agreement, intercourse is fun. Hey, Volester Turbo, let's go find some.