2012 Chevrolet Caprice Police Pursuit Vehicle (PPV)

From RegularWiki
Jump to: navigation, search
2012 Chevrolet Caprice Police Pursuit Vehicle (PPV)
RCR Chevrolet Caprice PPV Thumb.jpg
Car Details
Make Chevrolet
Model Caprice Police Pursuit Vehicle (PPV)
Year 2012
Owner ZeosReviews (YouTube)
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season County of Pointed Freaks
Air Date December 5, 2016
Transcript
Credits u/Ianator

We drive the American Holden, a Chevrolet Caprice Police Pursuit Vehicle. It's also a Pontiac G8.

Transcript[edit]

Yo bro! Just finished my car video! Here it is!

WUB WUB WUBUBUBUBUBUB
FADE TO BLACK WUBUBUBUBUBUB
FADE TO BLACK WUBUBUBUBUBUB
JAGGED ZOOMS, SPLIT SCREENS,
AND FADE TO BLACK GSHGSHGSHGSHGSHGSH
WEIGHT ROOM MUSIC GSHGSHGSHGSHGSHGSH
ENGINE SHOTS!

---

INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN

PPVs remind me of,
All the Aussie things I love,
Like Angela White and Chevy Caprices, yeah!

---

MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR:

2012 Chevrolet Caprice Police Pursuit Vehicle. This is another police car. But it is worlds away from the ubiquitous Panther-body P71 Interceptor we reviewed before.

This is an American Holden or Pontiac G8 if you're a civilian. Rare in Pennsylvania, only large or cha-ching cha-ching speed traps "You were doing thirty-eight in a thirty-five, do I smell marijuana, do I smell marijuana, do I smell marijuana?" departments can afford one of these missiles. Because all the parts come from Australia. And you pay for that.

I mean, you can go to Auto Zone and say, "I have a 2012 Chevy Caprice" and it will show up in their system. I- It'll say, 'Caprice PPV', but - and this is coming from the owner - all the part numbers are weird and they don't cross-reference with American GM PNs.

So there you are, with this used Caprice Holden cop car thing you just bought, holding up the line at Auto Zone or O'Reilly's or Advance. And the clerk is looking at his screen saying, "Ummm... (echoed) Hey Mike, can you come look at this?" And now you have two clerks looking at the screen going, "Uhhhmmm... where's Mark? (echoed) Mark, we need your help, come over here."

And now you have two clerks plus the manager looking at the same computer screen which is displaying bogan gibberish. And you feel the line behind you grow well past the steering wheel wraps and the triney LED nonsense and baby's first soldering kits. So that's what you're in for if you wanna buy one of these used police cars.

I just want a girl I can masturbate next to...

Underneath the hood is an LS-motor-not-LS-motor. What this is is an L77. It's a 6-liter all-aluminum plant made for running on E85. Semantics and magic farm juice puts this right outside the city-state of LS. So it's an L77. GM of Australia says the L77 has displacement-on-demand. And in MURRICA-speak, that's cylinder deactivation. It's a four-cylinder when rolling around and it's a V8 when in pursuit mode.

But this former Maryland detective's car didn't spend its time getting heavy cardio on the highway. No. This car's computer registered 2,200 hours of JUST. IDLING. And there was just 3,300 hours on the L77 in total. Almost 2/3rds or 65% of the time this car was running, it wasn't moving. Just pleh-pleh-pleh-pleh-pleh-pleh-pl- in some parking lot or side street.

This Caprice's new owner is Zeos from the audiophile YouTube channel Z Reviews. And he said when he bought this car from an auction, the cam was totally burnt. Y'know, worn from all that idling. And the Caprice PPV won't do burnouts unless you remove the traction control fuse. And the taillights didn't work when Zeos got the car. Because when the Maryland PD - I, I dunno which one - retired the car, they used a reciprocating saw to rip out the center console and all the wiring. FRRRRRRRR- But the car still has Stealth Mode which disables all lights, interior and exterior, except for the 'door ajar' light on the dash.

The Caprice PPV drives way better than the old Panther-body. It's fast. Rocket fast.

---

POV DRIVE

>Mr. Regular guns it through an intersection. The car revs very high through second gear.

R: Whoa, it says in those gears- how high does this rev?

Z: Uh, it revs to s-

R: There's no redline on this thing-

Z: There is no redline, I think I-

---

You won't be able to hoon or fool anybody in this long, black bomber but you will move. I mean, what do you expect, it's an aluminum Holden V8. The interior is spartan. Radio... is crap... and the steering is dead. It's a cop car, what do you want?

GM only called this thing a Caprice to appeal to older men's sensibilities. Because the Chevrolet Caprice was originally introduced as a luxury trim package for the Impala four-door hardtop. And it was a big hit, becoming one of the most popular American cars of the 1960s and early 70s with sales of the Caprice peaking in 1965 with over one million units.

But it wasn't originally introduced as a police vehicle. Like a crooked partner turning state's evidence, Chevy has a history of lending a helping hand to law enforcement. You had the Chevy (Caption: "Biscayne") Byzantine, er, Bizcem- Bizcaye... B-I-S-C-A-Y-N-E - in 1959, succeeded by the big-block V8s of the mid-60s which beefed up the Biscen- ah... -and the Chevy Bel-Air.

Then there was the 1977 Chevy Impala 9C1 which became the de facto police car from 1977 until 1985 before being replaced by the third-generation Caprice in 1986. The 9C1 would last for another ten years before production came to an end. But at least it went out on the heels of the 1994 version which was one of the fastest police cars of its day thanks to the LT1 V8. (Caption, scrolling along bottom: "I don't have any free-use footage for these cars.")

And it was 15 years before the Caprice nameplate returned, this time as a full size, rear wheel drive Chevy Caprice Police Pursuit Vehicle. Assembled by Holden, GM's Australian subsidiary. Like old Alex Murphy, it was reassembled as a more modern piece of police technology.

They brought back the name. But all they brought back was a name, this isn't a Caprice. In an Alan Watts way, you can't put legs on a snake. This is still an Auzzie car. This 'Caprice' is a regular car that became something less through its attempts to become something more. Having aspirations is a good thing, but having aspirations isn't the same thing as achieving them.

...That was a good line, I shoulda gone out on that one.

Well, because what did you buy? You bought a Pontiac G8 that no one knows what it is, and it won't dupe the gullible, and parts are very expensive. The only people who are gonna get this car are weirdo car guys like myself. It's like a Brooklyn: no one cares but king nerds.

And you aren't gonna make friends with other cops either, especially not in Pennsylvania. Because this was one of the fastest police cars out there - I think the Dodge Charger police version may be faster than this - but it's hard to beat that LS-not-an-LS, this thing MOVES. The old Panther-bodies could never do this. And this thing stops even faster.

---

POV DRIVE

R: No one behind us. Hold your seatbelts on. 'Cause here we go. Three, two, one, and stop-

>Mr. Regular slams the brakes for half a second, the speedometer moving from 40mph to 25.

R: -Wooow!

Z: Yeah, yeah.

---

But what's the point of driving a used police car if no one's gonna give you respect for doing so? It's like putting one of those thin blue line stickers on the back of your car and not getting a nod for it.

The Caprice PPV is a lot of fun! I'd like to rent one - not own one - but it's good. Man, this is a nice driving car. But it prices itself right out of its own bracket. I'd rather have one of those new Lincolns that's really a Taurus SHO. Yeah, twin turbo V6.

But maybe that's the point of owning a PPV. It's so niche, you can feel special. Because you're gonna be the only one around who has one of these things.

---

OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN

This car is a Caprice, my friend,
Part numbers are all weird,
They don't match with our GM PNs,
But don't sneer... (doo doo doo doodoot da daaaa~)

(with backing voice)
The P-P-V has total LED nonsense for days,
Holden made this old Caprice naturally.

References[edit]