2011 Triumph Daytona 675

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2011 Triumph Daytona 675
RCR Triumph Daytona Thumb.jpg
NOT A CAR Details
Make Triumph
Model Daytona 675
Year 2011
Owner Gennaro
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season Post-LA
Air Date July 28, 2014
Transcript
Credits Joe

This bike will kill you if you don't fear and respect the crêpe-thin margin of error between orgasmic adhesion and high-siding, ass-over ladder-piercings, though your principal's front lawn.

Transcript[edit]

Only the Crown's country could assemble a euphoric sportbike in such a way, that the only sensation you take away from the riding experience is PAIN! OOH, SO BRITISH!
---
INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN (To the tune of 'I am a Real American' by Rick Derringer)

Well, you hate my taste,
Then you hate my bike.

I can't let it stand,
I can't let it fly.

Triumph Daytona on the go,
Powers of light, Konami Codes.

This is a brand new bike review.
Nobody freak.
Cars are next week.
---
MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR:
The Triumph Daytona is as unconcerned with your comfort as a Glaswegian, Cider-drinking husband, who's convinced his wife to let him (Voice)Dry Dock her. (Pained voice) OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Fellers who aren't into motorcycles will call the Triumph Daytona 675 a 'Crotch Rocket', because it's not a Harley and it has plastic covers. They will also call a Kawasaki Ninja 250 a Crotch Rocket as well. If you press a sideline motorcycle 'enthusiast', they'll tell you that a crotch rocket is made in Japan, has four cylinders, flips over backward if you 'step on the gas', and flips over frontward if you 'step on the brakes.' By using commoner logic, I suppose this isn't a crotch rocket. Because it's made in the UK, not in Japan. It has three cylinders, not four. And it doesn't do any of those crazy things you described.

Think of the Triumph Daytona as the covered up version of the Speed Triple. Its three pot block makes, 123 crank horsepower and it's completely bored if you click up to 6th gear and rumble along. Fill this bike up with fuel and oil and-and don't forget the air too. Because air does add weight, and it weighs 418 lbs or thereabouts. Torque peaks at 11700 RPM and Horsepower peaks at 12600 RPM. I know right? Like people be like "oh the Honda VTEC (unintelligible) 8000 RPM", when you get into bikes. (Giggling) This thing goes 12000 RPM.

The turn signals are integrated into the mirrors, which is good, because then that stops people from getting those cheap, dim, fake, carbon fiber 'flush mount', stick on turn signals from Bikemaster. They're about as bright as the first Game Boy Advance, and they add no value to the bike. In fact, they make your bike worth less. Because people see those dumb stick on turn signals like "Oh, a complete idiot owned this bike." Like, that's the limit of your wrenching skills, sticking on the, Pbbbbt! Oh look! You eliminated the fender. (Nice!) Understand what happens when you do this. When you get rid of the fender, all the mud and road grime and ash and cinders and all those little stones that are covered in that weird tar. All of that, gets flung up into the Daytona's under-tail exhaust. And then it gets glued to the exhaust, because the exhaust is hot. 

Motorcycles spoil you, because the build quality is so much higher than mid-level sports cars, and they're so much faster. Again, the Triumph Daytona makes about the same power as a Mazda Miata, but it weighs 400 and change pounds, while the Miata weighs 2000 and change pounds. And that's why, bike like this should never be your first bike. If you buy a Triumph Daytona, or for that matter, a Speed Triple, and that's your first bike. I have no compassion for you. You deserve, whatever happens to you. I mean, you-that is Darwinism just working its way out. I mean, that even goes for any 600CC bike. OK, I'll make an exception for the Suzuki Savage 650, because that's a big one lunger. But man, a track day oriented bike like this, you're dumb, if you buy this as your first bike. (In a whiny bro voice) "UGH! I want a bike that I can grow into!" or "UGH!, I want a bike that can-that's not gonna be boring when I start! UGH! I leave the stickers on my hat! UGH! I throw down my Xbox controller when I lose! UGH! If you can't Go Greek, GO TKE!"

Here's what's gonna happen if you buy a Speed Triple or a Triumph Daytona as your first bike. Yes, you will be able to ride it. Yes, nothing is going to happen if you're just cruising around. And really, nothing's going to happen if you go fast either. It's got big brakes, it stops no problem, its suspension is amazing, it can be adjusted to fit you, and because it's a Triple, you can go slow in a high gear, and not lug the engine. But here's the problem. You're 21 and you're riding a Speed Triple, and you're sitting at a stoplight. And a Mitsubishi Lancer pulls up right next to you. And you catch eyes with the driver. And you look at him, and he becomes, your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend, in your mind. And your whole body just fills up with testosterone and bad decisions. 

And you look at him again, and he looks at you. And his eyes call you a 'Fag'. And now it's on. And all those promises of being careful, that you made when you bought this bike, instantly, they go right out the window. You rev it up to 7 grand, you dump the clutch, and you're both off. And you're about to become just another one of those statistics that happens on /r/motorcycles. Because the next thing you see, is going to be one of two things. The flashing red and blue lights of the officer, and the flashing red and white lights of the ambulance when you tried to outrun him. 

Because a Triumph Daytona is always edging you to go faster. It wants it. Triumph built a brilliant engine, but you have to be intelligent enough, (and mature enough), to be able to handle it. And it's such an easy bike on which to go fast. This is the official bike of grunting loud and cursing louder. A Triumph Daytona. A motorcycle for the guy who bangs hard (The Voice) and bangs often. He bangs her so deep, Sonic rings come flying out. He bangs her so deep, when he pulls out, they declare him the King of Camelot. (/tV) The Triumph Daytona comes from a long line of masculine exceptionalism. Its gender affirmative therapy on wheels. This bike says, "You're a guy, and its okay to be a guy." Sure, in your Smirnoff eyes, women are taking over the world (The Voice) BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE MY TRIUMPH!   

In short, a Daytona escalates every mild situation. A scuffed pair of Canvas shoes becomes the Red Wedding, and before you know it, you're gunning your way to a five-star wanted level. Triumph Daytona 675, this is a British import that demands a certain kind of rider, with patience, and a Sherlock Holmes-ian logic. Because,  a Daytona will get fed up, disruptive, and argumentative with you, faster than a fidgety child wondering why the grown ups keep talking at the table looooonnnnng after dinner is over at Ruby Tuesday's. 
---
OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN (To the tune of 'Cult of Personality' by Living Color)

Look at this bike,
What could it be?
A Triumph at abnormal speeds.

References[edit]