2010 Toyota Prius
|Season||The Great Maybe|
|Air Date||April 13, 2015|
A Prius is political correctness on wheels. We're in an age where it's impossible to tell the difference between someone who's genuinely offended and someone who's sarcastically ridiculing all the uptight, pearl-clutching, butt-plugged social justice warriors. It's all those moms who are unironically nodding in agreement when Chris Matthews goes on MSNBC and says it's “racist” to use the word “Chicago”. It's the same people who sign petitions to have the word “manhole” changed to “utility hole,” and use the term “metabolically challenged” to avoid offending dead people.
A Prius is a peculiar kind of vehicle. It's for the Competitive Mom in everybody, the one who looks like she's simultaneously smelling a hot dump and wondering if she left the stove on. The official car of taking your shopping cart all the way back inside the Redner's instead of just using the cart station. Mom passes by the corkboard at the entrance, and wonders why the detectives haven't solved Gary Redner's murder yet.
[AUDIO FADE IN, MR. REGULAR:] In the 21st century, it’s more acceptable to be caught sucking another man’s penis than it is to be driving a Toyota Prius. --- INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN (please find original tune!) Joking since the Echo review, I cannot defend the Prius, Joking…joking…we’re joking…baby, I’m stoked. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR Prius! Prius. Prius. Public. Public protest. Occupy Altoona. MASTURBATION WITH HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS. UGH, YES, I’M WAISING (sic) AWARENESS WITH MY PENIS! [TEXT: Waising Awareness] I’M RAISING AWARENESS- ULTRA JOY. We’ve casually avoided the Toyota Prius because this car is the automotive world’s easy target. Anyone with a passing appreciation for distilled petroleum has at least one Prius joke chambered. Gearheads make fun of Priuses like 1980s comics made fun of airline food. But in today’s austerity-measured culture, most of us would be happy to have any sort of wheels, and a plate of microwaved calories on our way from Philly to LAX. Let’s ignore the symbolic fallout and look at the Toyota Prius as a vehicle for a few paragraphs. The 2010 model, here, comes with a 1.8 litre four-cylinder engine with an electric motor that makes 80 horsepower on its own. However, when you throw in the 650-watt battery pack, you get a power rating of 134 horsepower, which is an improvement over the 110 horsepower of the 2009 model. The inside is updated but it gets odd, because it’s an electric vehicle, and producers of cars feel that electric vehicles have to be unique. The shift knob looks like a victim of Blurred Penis Syndrome, and the interior calls to mind the more-gawdy Corolla. But that makes sense, because this was originally-concieved as a mid-level option between the Corolla and the Camry. History! [TEXT: History] In 1993, Eiji Toyota was worried that small cars were falling by the waysides, so the company began work on the prototype that would eventually become the Prius, with the goal of improving fuel economy and standard internal combustion engines. The best-case scenario was 47.5 miles-per-gallon – I don’t know how they came up with that figure – but this was to capitalise on the higher oil prices, and the developing middle class that wanted spaciousness and fuel economy for a low leasable price – no, I- no I didn’t say ‘buyable’, I said ‘leasable’. The Prius debuted in 1997, and made its way over to the United States by July 2000. And while it never was a thrill to drive, the Prius was a hit – it’s a sales success, you can’t ignore that. Nobody cared that you needed thirteen seconds to get to 60 miles an hour, because consumers were just happy to get better fuel economy - never mind that diesels do better, Top Gear talked about it. Consumers loved the lower-emissions – never mind, it causes more damage to the environment due to the mining needed to create these batteries, bla bla bla, and the impressive resale value. I won’t hold you there, Priuses do retain value. Seriously, the Prius retains 57% of its entire value after three years. That’s madness. Because I’ll tell you right now, Silicone Sally, our Honda Fit, isn’t pulling that kind of scratch three years from now. Look at her. It’s like the Venom symbiote latched onto her. But the Prius is not a car. The Prius is the ultimate avatar. It’s the ultimate emoticon. It’s the ultimate selfie. Just picture it – Prius, images, everything comes to mind when you hear one of these spoken about. A Prius rolls out under electricity, and dad is going to the cigarettes and lottery tickets store. And mom is shoving a crude dildo made out of Duplo up into her CASTLE GRAYSKULL. And the brakes jab on quick because of regeneration. And cousin Brandon is hanging nine-volt batteries from his dick in a message board attempt at FORESKIN REGENERATION. And the gear shifter isn’t attached to anything. And brother Kyle is huffing paint behind the farmer’s market. And dad likes the Prius. He likes the hatchback. He likes the plutonic knobs from the helicopter Girl Scout mom standing vigilantly, within arms’ reach of the little ones outside of Weis Markets. And the helicopter Girl Scout moms are recording what you say and reporting it to the PTA. These are the type of moms who have to get a picture anywhere they go anywhere with their kids, because when you have kids, everywhere is Sears Portrait Studio. My favourite part of Nintendogs is when I CUM ON THE TOUCHSCREEN. *sigh* Anyway, the Prius. Like the MX-5 from two weeks ago, the Prius is the opposite. If you remember nothing else from what I’m telling you this morning, remember this: the Toyota Prius is for playing the role of ‘The Villain’, and it’s playing it better than any other car. The MR2 shines, so bright, because it’s contrasted by the sinister Prius. The Prius has all the wrong components – CVT auto; terrible blind spots; oblong wheel; and an engine that cannot even start without its electric symbiont – yeah, yeah there’s no starter motor. [TEXT: Yea] The Prius must use it’s electric motor as a starter, so if that electric engine goes kaput, you’re screweeeeeed! Oh, it’s so perfect, it’s so deliciously-evil, and we love a villain. The hero is nothing without the villain. A good villain gives us purpose. We unite against our antagonists, and are stronger for it. This is not a careful conspiracy by Toyota or any other manufacturer – this is naturalism. [TEXT: This is Naturalism.] The Prius, and the teams that cheer for it, or against it arose naturally. We humans do this all the time! [TEXT, IN CORNER: I see what you did there.] Here again, here again comes Alan Watts – we love to fight for our side, no matter what it is: Automatic, Manual; Male, Female; Sega, Nintendo; Chevy, Ford; Gasoline, Electric; Republican, Democrat; Public School, Charter School; Windows, Mac; Gay, Straight; Troegs, Victory; Eagles, Steelers; Phillies, Pirates; Sheetz, Wawa; Luger, 1911; Red Team, Blue Team. [TEXT: As above, except the first half descends, and the second half ascends, the current combination highlighted in yellow] This is what we do. [TEXT, ON A KINK: This is what we do.] We divide everything up, and then have a battle because what else are we going to do while the Earth spins? And spins around the Sun. And the Sun spins around the Galaxy. And the Galaxy mingles around the local group. And the local group mingles around the Virgo Supercluster. And the Virgo Supercluster mingles around the observable universe. And the observable universe is up to something, but we’re not sure yet. So, Toyota Prius. It’s a car taking one for the team, in order to make your Supra look badass. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN Oh, it’s a thorn in your side, when you drive, An easy mark for a jive, always, At least, it won’t sink your costs. --- [LIVE, MR. REGULAR AND THE OWNER IN THE PRIUS:] [MR. REGULAR:] So now it’s on. [DAVE:] Yes. You wouldn’t know. [MR. REGULAR:] Alright…so… [DAVE:] So, you still hit the brake and everything else as normal, then you shift like that, so you’re in drive now. [MR. REGULAR:] Oh, but it doesn’t stay down there? [DAVE:] Nope. [MR. REGULAR:] That’s frickin’ stupid! ---