2009 Smart FourTwo
|Air Date||July 14, 2013|
Smart Fourtwo: when a Prius isn't pretentious enough. It's a tiny car that's full of itself. When you exit this jeweler's display box, you have to re-assure everyone at the block party that, yes, it's a good car.
The title is spelled wrong - the car is actually called the 'Smart ForTwo'.
2009 Smart ForTwo. Driving a Smart car is like whipping out Marmite every day at lunch and scooping spoonfuls of it on store brand whole wheat and announcing to the entire cafeteria, "I enjoy this!" AWW MAN, I LOVE IT. OH, I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. I LOVE REVOLTING, EXPENSIVE PRODUCTS SOLD IN SMALL PORTIONS TO NICHE MARKETS. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: Slow down, you crazy teen You're so damn anxious with that inline-three But with your smaller frame I can see why you think you're cool Oh, why don't you realize it's just a Smart ForTwo --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR: Like the DeLorean, driving a Smart car turns you into a political incumbent seeking reelection. Brace yourself and pop-rivet on a Nancy Reagan smile because here comes a skid loader full of cash assistance questions. "How safe is that car? Hey, where are the clowns? Hey, what happens if you get into an accident? Well what happens if a semi hits ya? Hey, is that good on gas? Wull, what happens if a tractor trailer hits ya, what then smart guy?" If you drive a Smart ForTwo you're gonna have to defend this car every time you drive. And Daimler will protest that the name "Smart" is a Mr. Sparkle combination of other names and that's bull. It's called a Smart car because the self-actualized twit market has deep, child-free coffers and if there's one thing that professionally offended people want, it's compliments to their intelligence. Smart ForTwo: A car for someone who responds to every cat video with, "You're hurting it!" The first time you try to adjust the vents you'll turn the blower off. This is not a boost gauge. Ah, ballasts! Ballasts on a Smart, ballasts on a Smart! SilverStars ain't good enough for ya! Ballasts on a Smart. The driver doesn't get to look at himself. Check it out, the roof of this Smart car is glass. In order to block the light, what they give you is this nudie booth-style drape so you pull it from one end to the other that does NOTHING. This is also not a boost gauge. Under the floor mat, and under the carpet, and under this thing is *not* your spare tire. Daimler gives you a box of well wishes which is a can of Fix-a-Flat and a cigarette lighter air pump. Inside the tailgate is more trunk. And there's a tow hitch here! Tow hitch. You really g- (Photo of a small trailer with two bikes and a rooftop cargo pod) Oh!. Oh, you're serious, aren't you? (This is a real fart.) Here's the thing if you drive a Smart car. If you drive a Smart car, you better be committing to this type of lifestyle. If you drive a Smart car you're always just a little bit the bad guy. And here's why: there's no getting around this car's size and what it can't do. A Smart car can never haul quite like a regular car can. If you drive a Smart car, your other car better be an Econoline van. Like the Mustang, this car is wrapped up in tons of symbolism. And the name doesn't help. If it's a "smart" car does that mean there are dumb cars? Yes, there is. When you drive a Smart car you're saying that every other car is the wrong car. You don't know it but that's what you're doing and that's why Americans don't like this car. It's a small package that's completely full of itself. "Ah, here comes that Smart car driver again and he's smiling this time and you know why, because he needs to borrow your Ford Ranger again." But I really shouldn't be doing that because making fun of the Smart car is violating the number one rule about comedy: "Never punch down." The 2009 Smart ForTwo is a rear-engine, two-door, two-passenger, rear-wheel drive Cracker Jack toy that looks like it was purchased through Box Tops for Education. The ForTwo is tiny, white and fancies itself smart with a highfalutin sense of place in the world, basically a UCONN grad on wheels. Aesthetically this car is a little white piece of Minority Report. It's a sort of futuristic vision of what cars are supposed to be like in twenty years. Like a kid who's selective about when he gets to be a baby and when he gets to be a big boy and under the hood he might even satisfy enough basic needs that it would be perfect for a no-frills consumer. And the engine is a piccolo snare full of pilot bread that makes a sound like it desperately wants to be a diesel. It's three lethargic cylinders of passive aggression. If you really want to make a Smart ForTwo run you have to put 91 octane in it. And this car here has fifteen-inch aftermarket wheels. Look at it... So white. It looks like C. Thomas Howell, pre-Soul Man. (Caption: Also, post Soul Man.) The Smart ForTwo: For the guy who thinks the Prius isn't pretentious enough. This is the chariot for daytime television enthusiasts who race to the vitamin shop to buy green tea extract because Dr. Oz told them they could still get a large popcorn at the movie theater as long as they took a tablet before every meal. It's a car for belonging to vague-sounding organizations because the Vector Corporation, Qwest Diagnostics totally don't sound like tax shelters for the Legion of Doom. The 2009 ForTwo came in three trims, each with incrementably platitudic names and prices that are about in line with what you'd spend getting a two-year degree in communications at the local JC. The three trims were Pure which is the base trim, Passion which is whatever and then Passion Cabriolet which is the whatever without a roof. The most expensive trim was $16,990 US with the prices for the other two in descending increments of roughly $2,000. Its inexplicable success would be the silliest thing about it if it didn't have such a weird backstory. In 2007, Chinese manufacturer Shu- ...Ugghhh... (Shijiazhunag Shuanghuan) Automobile Company released the- ugh... (Shuanghuan) really, okay... Noble. The- nnnngh... (Noble) shared a suspiciously similar design with the ForTwo to such an extent that Daimler AG sued Shigi- ...Automobile Company for perceived infringement of their copyright. This, despite the- Noble... from being front-engine and front-wheel drive. In effect, Daimler was suing over an aesthetic similarity which is a lot like a middle-aged housewife because Betty "Bitchy Rustingface" Freeberg is wearing the same dress as her in the Class of '92 Reunion. Long story short, Daimler lost the case with the judge declaring that, "If a vehicle varies in its technical specification, then any external similarities are irrelevant." The legal system was essentially declaring that looks aren't what's important, it's what's on the inside that counts. Maybe there's a butterfly inside all of us, a Rachel Leigh Cook waiting to be She's All That-ed out of our gawky exteriors. Or maybe, just maybe, you *can* judge a book by its cover. You know what you're getting with a McGraw-Hill textbook. And odds are you're never gonna read through the whole thing and never more than once. --- OUTRO - POV Drive with Mr. (R)egular and the (O)wner: R: Yeah, I know this is a manual but... See, and it feels like I'm going sixty-five but I'm going fifty. O: Yeah, it feels faster than it is. (cut to parking lot - Smart is being followed by the (F)it R: Just test the- t- turning radius? O: Oh, yeah. (R turns the wheel hard left) R: Dudududududu~ F: Where ya going? R: Around you! (Mr. Regular makes two circles around Silicone Sally) R: It's... Look at that! That's hilarious!