2008 Scion Xb
|Air Date||April 14, 2014|
2008 Scion Xb: The official car of using Fruity Loops to remix Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster" and using the offending product in Music Theory class because the Band Director has his hands full with TOB paperwork and doesn't care what you do in his class anyway.
2008 Scion Xb. Bought by the youth, designed for the youth, but adopted by OAPs. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: Seats pump up like BK sneakers, Scion Xb this generation's weaker, but you're doin' what ya can to restore the status quo --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR Driving a car like this has to be Mike Musto's idea of hell. And maybe I should stop name-dropping. This is your newfound conveyance to swiff yourself to Kauffman's Chicken before the riffraff shows up. Toyota. Toyota, I love you. But telling the youth what they like is more misguided than getting Lou Gossett Jr. to make a straight-to-guidance class VHS tape about drugs and thinking that a glowing and talking headband is going to seal the deal. Gimme that headband! Heh, that's an obscure reference. So what do teenagers want? (Caption: Drama-free band bus handjobs.) Hmm, well let's see. Teenagers like things that go fast. "But sir, the Xb isn't fast." Well, we'll make it fast. "How?" We'll really fart into the microphone. (Real fart.) Huhuh, my microphone smells. Hrrrhrrr it's coming through the pop filter I made out of an old dress sock. Hwhat do teenagers want, they want things that go fast. "But sir, the Xb isn't fast." Well, we'll make it fast. "How?" We'll make the automatic transmission stay in first gear forever. And if you cruise along long enough, it'll shift up into third or fourth eventually. But get this: if you so much as breathe on the gas pedal you're back to first gear again. "And kids like discotheques too!" We'll put discotheques in the cupholders. "Kids like asymmetry as well!" Get this: one reverse light. That's the ticket. "And subwoofers! Kids like bass." This is the second-generation Xb which was unveiled two years before Who's Nailin' Palin. It has a 2.4-liter 2AZ-FE engine that makes about a hundred and fifty horsepower which boasts up to forty miles per hour and then gets a nasty side stitch. You can't get thirty miles per gallon in a Scion Xb unless you eggshell the throttle all the time. And this loses all economic credibility, fought hard by the first-generation Xb. Toyota put all their eggs in a beatbox basket and filled the Xb commercials with blue light, bass and quick cuts. The marketing teams believe that teenagers only come out at night so all the commercials are shot at night. Yes, drive your Scion Xb to the Electric Factory and GET IN BECAUSE NIGHTCLUBS ARE SURROGATE VAGINAS. WHY DO YOU THINK THE BEST SELLING SCION COLOR IS WHITE? But the marketing strategy didn't work. Your parents bought the Xb for themselves. Why? It has nothing to do with the sperm-colored body paint or the octane boost Cialis your parents are taking. The over-60 crowd likes the Xb because the Xb is an easy car to exit. As arthritis sets in - and it will set in for all of us - getting out of deep bucket seats is very difficult. Heaving yourself out of a Honda Prelude is gonna get tougher and tougher past your 50th birthday. It's gonna happen to all of us. There's a reason your grandparents have pillows on the seat of their Plymouth Breeze. It really has nothing to do with comfort. The higher they are, the easier it is to get out. It's a natural transition from a sort of upright seating position to a standing position. Go to a department store and count how many easy chairs you see with that little remote control that doesn't make the seat lean back but rather lift up entirely. It sort of tosses you out. That's what the Scion Xb replicates. It's a very easy car to get out of because you're almost standing up even when you're sitting down. It's just slide out, put your feet down, you're out at the same height you were. No stress on the lower back, no stress on your knees, no stress on your hips. So all of the youth marketing didn't mean anything. And even that sort of racy interior - and you can smear all the slogans you want on the back window - the people who are going to buy it are the people who need it. Not that the Scion Xb was a roadhugger in real life anyway. It safely understeers into a snow bank before it can ever get to a track. Track day, bro? TRACK DAY NO! --- OUTRO CHAT with MR REGULAR (R), THE ROMAN (M) and THE OWNER (O) R: Oh wait, are we near the Creamery? M: It's a left here. O: (overlapping) It's on the left. R: Awww... (beat) ...Can we stop at the Creamery? --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: This Scion's from 2008, But back here was whack as hell, But I guess it's just as well, That back here was whack as hell. --- ANOTHER OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN I'm a cool dad, I tell my kids they should drive this car, I'm a cool dad, I let them stay out past 10:04, But they don't really drive this car 'cause I tell them that it's cool, It's a Scion. --- YET ANOTHER OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN If I didn't know better I'd drive this Scion here If I didn't know better I'd stay in the low first gear Why do I keep drivin', wasting my time on you If I didn't know better But dammit, I do