2008 Dodge Challenger SRT-8
|Season||The Great Maybe|
|Air Date||January 26, 2015|
The Challenger is a family car. It's just a two-door Charger. It's for dads who announce to the whole living room (in an outdoor voice): "This half-time show is GAY!" But no one listened. The kids where on their iPads. Mom went to the bathroom and grandma can't hear anyway. So Dad waits about twelve measures and says it again.
(whispered) God, I love my cock. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: And I'm like, Hey there mister, hand me a scotch, I'm fly as hell and I'm driving a Dodge, I'm just one step away from being cast out, Young and classed out... --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR: I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH JERKING OFF IN MY SLEEP- This is the first year of the new Dodge Challenger. In 2008 it had a 6.1-liter HEMI V8 although the 6.1 ended in 2010 and followed up with a 6.4 in 2011. As for this SRT-8 the stock engine makes 425 horsepower at the crank and 400 gets to the wheels. It's got industrial glue on the front bumper after an accident by the previous owner, necessitating multiple fixes by Brandon. The entire exterior of this model is stock except for the paint because, in his words, "Chrysler paint sucks." The SRT-8 goes through rotors with the frequency of oil changes and the factory lug nuts have to be taken off by hand due to an asinine two-piece lug nut design. This is the largest of the three major muscle cars and it's easy to see why. (Car starts.) When you get up on it, it's deceptively huge like a cute girl on Twitter. But hey, one out of every five guys loves a Dodge Challenger. It's the foot fetish of cars. Mopar, for all of its stumbles and obese farts at Thanksgiving, still makes the most delicious muscle cars. They understand that American muscle is a patriarchal system. What does that mean? It means, "My father, right or wrong. My country, right or wrong. My car, right or wrong." This is a tool-assisted high five. Of course, it's not hard to see why this is an American dream car to some people. Because it's a desirable thing that you can tell everybody about. AS OPPOSED TO YOUR DESIRE TO GET SMACKED IN THE FACE BY AN ORANGE DILDO BY YOUR SPANISH TEACHER THE FIRST THING FIRST PERIOD. The Dodge Challenger is the official car of New Masculinity where simply being a man is seen as some sort of an accomplishment. (Caption: "This is overt symbolism." while shoving hand down the vent.) It's supposed to rank up there somewhere with running a four-minute mile or opening for King Crimson. I'M POSTING ON THE RED PILL ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED FOR POSTING ON THE RED PILL. Okay, Dodge Challenger. Now, get 'sports car' out of your head. Well that was easy, wasn't it? Now... get 'muscle car' out of your head, too. Mm-hm. Now replace it with 'family car.' Yep. Family. Car. Why? The Dodge Challenger was never a rehashing of the original Challenger from the early 1970s. All the Dodge Challenger is, is a Dodge Charger with two doors. Same platform, same car. Fine, I'll let you have, 'GT car.' Alright, that'll work. GT car. A coupe for long distances. Because the Challenger needs highway to breathe because it's a wide-ass car. Minding the center line is distracting on tight roads like these. But I will concede it's not impossible because this isn't a muscle car. What is a muscle car? A muscle car is something with an engine that looks like a creatine Clydesdale with lip service brakes, no power anything and a camshaft so hyperphallic that the motor can't idle correctly. The new Dodge Challenger is none of these things. The battery is in the trunk! 'Cause that'll make a difference. The exhaust favors the right side for some reason. And there is no natural grab point to close the trunk. S-so you either grab the trunk by the spoiler and mark up the thin paint that's on there or you pull the trunk down by grabbing on the light bar which is attached to the trunk lid which isn't made to be pulled on. So the weak fasteners that hold the light bar on bend. And the rear light bar gets misaligned with the main tail lights. If you see Dodge Challengers in real life? Y'know, you see them parked somewhere? Walk around to the back and look at that light bar. They're all just gonna be a little off. New Challengers, the one they're makin' now (Caption: Hellcat), and I hope they did it with the Hellcat, have catch cans. But these first-generation ones didn't. So the owner put one on for good measure. The turning radius is smaller than you think it would be. And if you can look past its size, and look past the macho image, you will find this to be an enjoyable, long-haul, comfortable mile-eater. The Dodge Challenger is a total confidence booster. Drive this long enough and your ego will have representation in the Senate. It's a necessary addition to the male ensemble in any generation. This is a car for the guy who's still chasing his summit girl. Summit girl. You know who I'm talking about. You're thinking of her right now. Every other person you've been with ever since is judged against her. "I can get her back!" you think. "Once she sees my Challenger, she'll know how successful I am! She'll see it! She'll know. She'll just... know. She'll know as I Michael Bay my way into her living room." If you can get her back, you'll no longer have to be the guy who consistently changes the answers on his OKCupid profile to increase his match percentage with the girl who's out of his league. A Challenger can wash away the stench of settling. In love, in profession and in life. Dodge Challenger is an automotive deodorant, cutting through the putrescence of compromise. Hell, the Challenger is an automotive summit girl in itself. For many dudes, there's no going back after reaching this point in the vehicular bang book. The Challenger recognizes your priorities so that what you want from a car inevitably changes. Your standards have risen. Every other car that you drive will struggle to meet them, whether or not the Challenger is truly a better car than those other ones or not. Because this was the car that changed your perception. It made you into a different kind of consumer. A person who likes a bigger kind of thing that you can only get from the summit. From that first transcendent experience. And all of this is captured IN THIS NATURALLY. ASPIRATED. GENUINE MOOOAAAN~ (sounds of car accelerating from inside) --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: The Chrysler paint's gone dry, The paint was factoryyy, SRT, SRT.