2008 Dodge Avenger
|Season||The Early Years|
|Air Date||September 17, 2013|
|Other Contributors||/u/Ianator and /u/alexlam24|
Dodge Avenger: A blue collar cry for help. It's the car that neither of you gets in the divorce. Never have I driven a car that so accurately recreates the feeling of getting fired. I can only eat Turkey Hill ice cream if trim my pubes first. Chop off my dick and give me YOUR DICK!
Thank you to youtube user: Flargenyargen and his buddies for driving all the way from Pittsburgh! Here is his youtube page:
Widely considered the dirtiest episode of Regular Car Reviews. A favorite for introducing someone new to the channel.
Dodge Avenger. The car for people who have pretty much had it with cars. --- INTRO MUSIC: The Slackers - "Body Double" --- MONOLOGUE BY MR. REGULAR Everything's a muscle car now, huh, Chrysler? Right? No more contrast, let's just BRRRRRANGRY HEADLIGHTS. Never mind that this is a retail sports sedan, it's the idea of performance without any grunt or a usable suspension or top-end excitement. The Dodge Avenger takes the LeBaron to its logical conclusion. It's for people who want a sports car but they want 4 doors and they want comfort and they want safety and they, they don't want anything scary. Dodge Avenger: sponsored by consensual sex! It's the only 4 cylinder available that struggles to get 30 miles-per-gallon on the highway. And that would be fine if the 2.4 liter engine was peppy, but it has less inertia than the first Bush administration. The vents release a noxious aroma redolent of rose petals and compromise. The Dodge Avenger follows Benjamin Button which is another 2008 vehicle. It comes off the line dated and through depreciation the drivers get younger every year. 2008 is also the year before Chrysler filed for bankruptcy and begged for bailouts. The downward slope of the roof is not terribly unlike the trajectory of- [MEAT VOICE] (Shows MR opening a condom) -MY MARRIAGE. (he stretches the condom over his foot) AND CAREER. (fade to black) UUNNNGGHHH, (censored diagram of a woman) MY WIFE HAS (diagram of arm muscles) TRICEPS NOW. (MR lifting a light barbell) AND SHE NEVER PUTS THE WEIGHTS DOWN. (MR goes to the medicine cabinet and pours out some pills) WHAT DO THESE PILLS DO? (MR dumps out a box of bullets, high-pitched voice) WHAT DO THESE PILLS DO? (MR pours motor oil into a beer bottle) SHE ONLY LOVES ME WHEN I CUM BLOOD. [REGULAR VOICE] Chrysler in 2008 should have been buttering up the domestic market with a modest compact, a humble one, before rabbit-earing its pockets before Congress. In the same way a fifth-grade boy will uncharacteristically push around a vacuum cleaner and wash every kitchen dish leading up to a bad report card. But nope, let's have this. This- this is archaeological evidence for conquering aliens in 3151. They'll discover this Avenger's remains and know that their plans to destroy Earth will be supported by Grand Councilor Varmon. It has an odd steering wheel that has thick spokes, I suppose to make it feel meaty. But all that does is force your hands to sit too uncomfortably high or too low on the wheel. Oh, it has an Aux jack? That's cool. [MEAT VOICE] IT BEGIIIIINNNSSSS. (Mr. Regular starts shaving his chest) I'LL BE YOUR WOMAN NOW. (shows him rummaging through a bin) WHERE'S MY TEDDY RUXPIN? (shows him inserting a cassette into a player) OH WELL. (shows him stuffing the player into a pillow case with a pillow) ("Joy To The World" by Three Dog Night plays while Mr. Regular moves erratically under bedsheets) (stock photo of short bus) I WAS CONCEIVED IN A SHORT BUS, (MR bounces a kickball in a hotel room) MY MOM HAD DOWN SYNDROME (MR takes NES game Captain Skyhawk out of box) AND MY FATHER ALSO HAD DOWN SYNDROME (MR plays the game) THEY SLAMMED THEIR CROTCHES TOGETHER UNTIL THEIR PRIVATES LOOKED LIKE (nasty looking pot of what is presumably rhubarb) RHUBARB. (MR dumps copious amounts of shredded cheese on a sandwich) UNNNGGGHHHH (MR picks up a strobe light in his basement) THIS IS INDIGESTION. (MR is on the toilet with a Game Gear and toolkit, strobe light turned on, singing) EVERYBODY NEEDS A HELPING HAND. (MR opens the toolbox and assembles a thread tapping tool) [REGULAR VOICE] By 2008, the era of "The New Dodge" had lost all kinetic energy. If a Dodge Challenger is a symbol of a mid-life crisis, which is the renewed commitment to life as represented by a forthright drive to appear fashionable, then a Dodge Avenger is a letter of resignation from the obnoxious business of living. [MEAT VOICE] (strobing shaky footage of bathroom plays under credits) (heavy groaning)