2008 Chevrolet Corvette C6
|Air Date||May 19, 2014|
Being a fan of the C6 is like being a fan of Superman. All you have to do is mash the go-pedal and punch "Evil-Doers." It's a four-wheeled contradiction because sports cars, by their speedy nature, are "bad" because they are made for breaking the law, but the Corvette is fully in bed with The Establishment. The C6 acts more patriotic than a senator one day after he is caught infusing glucose into his ballsack. Yet, the C6 is a rebel because you can break the speed limit. So, which side is it on? Is it classy or a criminal?
2008 Chevrolet Corvette. The Corvette may not have invented the penis car, but IT SURE PERFECTED IT. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of (???) The official car of businessmen allowing, One week of acid-soaked, anonymous sex, With the chainmail forwarding, protestant philosophy grad, At Burning Man. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR The C6 Corvette was the beginning of Chevrolet's modern age, and although this base model C6 shares a Cobalt steering wheel, it's no longer the Breakfast at Tiffany's top-40 up-marketed Super Soaker plastic-bingo-wheel-headlighted Gran Turismo-starring for Subway franchise owners that the C5 was. The C6 is a two-seat sporting car that even with a 6.2 liter V8 engine will stil get better gas mileage than an Audi S4 -OOOOOOOOOOH-. Supercar prices - OK maybe not supercar - but fast sports car prices, have always forced the Corvette to walk its plate back to the kitchen and eat with the help, no matter how many Porsches or BMWs it beats. Big discs in the front and teeny-weeny little ones in the rear. 2008 was the first year for GM's LS3 engine, which gives you 430 horsepower, which you can feel only if you tack it up to 5 grand, because the C6 got an undercut haircut, so it could show up at the EPA's Easter dinner and look presentable with its second and third gear locked out at low rpm. "All right, I'm following the rules, see, everybody, I look nice, we're doing what you said..." But the C6 could easily pull its hair back for Wasteland Weekend and shift into second or third gear, if you can bypass that CA GS kid or futz around with a resistor or do something with a fuse, but HEED THIS WARNING: with this simple snip snip modification comes a torrent of personalization. You're going to wanna make your 'Vette yours more than Miata guys want to keep their marching band shoe-polish autocross numbers on their windshield like a skilift ticket from last year. There is no casually liking Corvettes. The C6 is a car around which you revolve your life. Corvette C6: the Mumford & Sons of cars. Once you're into 'Vettes, you're INTO THEM. You're getting a bow tie tattoo from Paradise Lost and you're setting aside shopping spree money for Corvettes at Carlisle, promising yourself that you're gonna get there early and avoid the traffic. And you're not just gonna go over to Callaway section with your dick jealous-hard in a confusing way, as you try to figure out where the money goes- BRAZILIAN WHORE SAFARI. Nope, nope, nope, you've got the blinders on and you're going straight to the tents and you're buying fake carbon fiber bits from a man in a stall and mustache. Next you're walking under the bleachers and getting in the piss line and you're not making eye contact with the bathroom attendant, because you're out of singles and NO I'M NOT DROPPING FIVE DOLLARS IN THAT BUCKET. Now, mmmmh, you've just bought a Corvette and you're really proud of it and I understand that, and you want to make the Ford jokes and that's, that's fine, I understand. It's normal! It's normal to wanna get into the whole Chevy-Ford thing, we understand. You're gonna make the jokes, make them, we'll be waiting for you. It's just a phase, you're gonna grow out of it. You're gonna grow out of it, just like doing burnouts in the Carlisle parade, because jeering locals are shouting at you from their folding chairs and calling you a pussy if you don't. It's best if you just focus on the accessories at this point, because it's eeeasy. The C6 is more accessorized than a Tippmann 98 or a gas well drillers' Ramcharger or Alucard in the upside down castle. I'll give the C6 this: it's a very easy car to learn to drive stick on! The clutch is very forgiving and you hardly need a lot of gas, and it's very easy for hill starts, because you have all that torque down low, there's none of that tacking it up and feathering the clutch and stalling and bucking as you start off from a stop sign at the top of a hill. So there you go, if you wanna learn how to drive stick, hang around the 'just for men' section of your local CVS- BIG CURLY PUBIC HAIR. --- POV DRIVE Mr. Regular: *starts off from an intersection* Aaaaah, see that, oh man, well I'm gone. *gives gas* Oh, there it is, woohoohoohoo boy. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons I'm waking up, I'm feeling it in my bones, six-point-two V8 moans, Welcome to the C6, to the C6, Welcome to the C6, to the C6, Ooooh oh, ooooh my, Corvette's attractive, Corvette's attractive, Ooooh oh, ooooh my, Corvette's attractive, Corvette's attractive...