2007 Toyota Camry LE
|Season||This is my job now.|
|Air Date||May 25, 2015|
How normal can you get? The official car of first promotions and hand-me downs.
[Dad voice] Uh, son, I'm your dad. Your mother and I, as you know, just got a new Infiniti. You're a senior in High School this fall and having marching band, Citizen Bean, envirothon and cross-country, National Honor Society and indoor drumline your mother and I will be taking turns looking after grandma because she is developing CHRONIC JAUNDICE, so the old family car's now yours. This is a big responsibility for you, I mean with a car like this comes temptations, like driving like a hothead and POKING IT IN THE BROWN AND CHUBBY CHASING, ENGORGE MELT PERHAPS LIKE UNDER ARMOUR LONG JOHNS FILLED WITH NICKELODEON GAK! [/Dad voice] 2007 Toyota Camry. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN All right, all right, this is my best intro song ever, so excited. Weeee- --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR [Dad voice] Hey son, were are you going? Come back here, I wrote a song, it goes BROWN BROWN BROWN BROWN BROWN BROWN BROWN EZRA POUND [/Dad voice] The Toyota Camry name either began in 1979 or in 1982, depending on what your definition of the Camry was. In 1979 there was the Toyota Celica and they made a four-door version of it that they called the Celica Camry, but then Camry beacame its own thing in 1982, so I'm telling you that this car began in 1982. And the Camry name - see, Camry is an Americanized or westernized version of the word 'Crown' in Japanese. I mean, us Americans really shouldn't be pointing fingers because we have a car called the Liberty AND THE PATRIOT, but listen up American manufacturers, it helps when a car name doesn't end. It doesn't matter if the car changes or becomes different, the Camry name continued, no matter the modern Camry has nothing to do with the thing, with the car in 1982, right? But we like that the name is still around, we're a literary species even if we rail against it, I mean GM keeps cranking out new small cars every five years. I still don't even know what the Cruze is, now we have the Sonic, whatever happened to the Cavalier? Just keep the name and move it on! On many levels we like sameness in a lower sluwery kind of way. This is a 2007 Toyota Camry, listen to it run. [Engine sound] This is the sound of abstinence, the indication that you're perpetually giving things up for Lent even though it's October. As a brand, Toyota has more mileage on it than Don Draper's dick, but with good reason. Toyota markets to the passive consumer, the kind who doesn't want to have to get a new car but, for one reason or another, is compelled to go down to the dealership, pick out the least offensive model and haggle with the dealer to get below sticker price. I passed a kidney stone wall jerking off, but I SAW IT THROUGH TO THE END LIKE THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION. I OPENED THE NAPKIN AND FOUND A CREAMY SPOOGEY ROCK AND I KNEW I HAD FINISHED IN WAYS NO MAN TRULY FINISHES. If you had similar experiences, e-mail me at www.there_will_be_a_day_when_your_dick_punches_a_stranger.gov. The Camry is middle America finally getting around to the rest of the world's obsession with curves. It's blocky, but with rounded corners, giving the idea it's plushie on the inside. It's a car that gives of an appearance of comfort, like the front of a Betty Crocker box. [whispering] Can I go on a spelunky expedition in your butt? It's for science! I want to know the limits of the human fist. I wrote a song about it. [/whispering] It goes: BROWN BROWN BROWN BROWN BROW- But you are gonna be a senior in High School next year and you're driving around your parents' Camry and DON'T MODIFY IT. DON'T YOU DARE MODIFY A CAMRY. Look, modifying a Camry is the international symbol for "I'm tasteless and I waited in a two-hour line when Taco Bell opened up in St. Clair" or "I cut donuts on a gravel parking lot in Trevorton at 11 p.m. on a Monday night" or "I don't use E-Z Pass because that's how the government tracks you. And brace yourselves, because now I'm gonna talk about chemtrails" or "My dad has a d-bag Suzuki Boulevard with drag pipes and he drives around telling everybody it's a Harley Sportster". The '07 Camry has a 2.4- or 2.5-liter four-banger depending on the trim. I mean, you could get a v6 if you wanted, but speccing up a Camry puts it in Lexus-money territory and for that most people would just get the Lexus anyway. This Camry here is also the pre-facelift Camry, but all that means is that these vents down here under the nose - see those? - are just a little bit smaller. Uuuh. I'm gonna repeat something from before. Don't you dare modify a Camry. That is not how you treat these cars - "Oh, I'm gonna put a cold air inta-" - Look, a Camry does come with a cold air intake, look it has it. It has an air intake that goes up and sticks out under the hood. See this? See this, right here? How much colder can it be for you? "Uh, I'm going big and get a big K&N and just shove it on here, I'm gonna take a drill and drill holes in my air box - oh yeah, induction and it breathes easier - I have a C average, my history papers are just cut-and-paste from Wikipedia". Anyway, the cabin is pretty roomy to an average-sized man like THE GAPING ASSHOLE OF A DANCER AT THE MECHANICAL BULL. Remember: [distorted voice] "From above, the wicked shall receive their just rewards". [/distorted voice] Toyota Camry. The official car of a young man who thinks 'Butterfly' by Crazy Town is the best song in the history of ever. He doesn't get his dad and his dad doesn't get him, so they ignore each other like they aren't related, because genetics is the hidden truth in the lies we tell ourselves. But at least this isn't a Jetta. UGH, I HATE THAT CAR! --- POV DRIVE Mr. Regular: All right, so here we're going on the highway, and by highway I mean road, but no one's here, so... pulling! [engine sound] R: Oh, look at that, it will rev directly to redline. Owner: Yeah. R: Nice! All right, geared very nice! O: It gets up and goes! O: When you come to a stop up there you'll feel kind of going back, I feel it. R: But when slowing down, this is something that you can- it has that nice, big smooshy area, so... You can smoothly come to a stop for everybody else in the car. O: Exactly. That's kinda been my goal as a good driver, 'cause I've been in people's cars- R: Yeah! They late-brake! And you see those two taillights come up and realize that you're feeling the guy's still accelerating. Like dododododododo- and then, at the last second uuuuuuh. O: Yeah, I hate that. It's always been day one when I had my apartment. R: And you have guys who think that, you know, that type of driving is gonna get them... laid... and the're gonna do it so that's OK. So, we gotta turn around here. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of (???) Now if we're talkin' Camry, You've got a normal one, Let's have a good seat. It shouldn't take us long, Listen to LeBron: Condoms are fun, But abstinence is best.