2007 Suzuki Bandit 1250

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2007 Suzuki Bandit 1250
RCR Suzuki Bandit Thumb.jpg
NOT A CAR Details
Make Suzuki
Model Bandit 1250
Year 2007
Owner Jacob B.
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season YouTube Partner
Air Date April 28, 2014
Transcript
Credits Nick B

Suzuki Bandit: A motorcycle as cheap and dirty as the bowling alley bathroom where I was conceived. This bike has a 1,250cc 4cyl engine, larger than some 4-passenger cars in the UK.

Transcript[edit]

This evening we have a 2007- GRRRRRRRRRR NOT A CAR!

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Roman (To the Tune of 'Dead or Alive' by Bon Jovi):
Whoa I'm a Bandit, on 1200ccs I ride!
Oh I'm wanted (wanted) back home by five.

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WHEN I POOP, I POOP TWICE! WHEN I POOP AGAIN, YOU SAY MY NAME! 
OLD FAITHFUL SETS HIS WATCH TO ME.

Suzuki built the high displacement Bandits for riders who need mid-range pull to accelerate FROM Q-BALL DOMS AND EAGLE TALONS.

I HAD EXPERIMENTAL PHASES!

If you pay attention to the displacement, you'll notice you're only one moped away from a roid-rager Hyabusa. And now that you know that, the Bandit 1250 starts to make sense. That big rear tire, that heavy chain, the stubby handlebars, the heavy curb weight. You're looking at a dirt mall Hyabusa. A 'dirt mall' is also that name OF A MOVE I LIKE TO DO WITH MY LIFE PARTNER. IT INVOLVES A LEGO VILLAGE, A STOPWATCH, AND A FULL BOX OF CRACKLIN' OAT BRAN.

A Suzuki Bandit is a muscle bike, it's offensively over powered for its dimensions. Did you not hear me? This motorcycle has a one and a quarter liter, four cylinder engine. There are passenger cars rolling around in Wales right now with less displacement than this love letter to juvenile delinquency and DICK PICS. If you don't want to rev up a Bandit, you don't have to. There's enough torque from its fuel injected engine for you to ride your entire life away without ever having to go above five grand. But, you're gonna. Because once you get to six grand, the Bandit 1250 will show you how beautiful excess can be. 

MY COCK IS THE UNIVERSE.

Suzuki Bandit 1250, a motorcycle as loud and dirty as the bowling alley bathroom where its owner was conceived. 

Hm! Mhm, mhm. Two Brothers slip on exhaust. Ugh, fine you get a pass because you put on larger injectors and re-mapped the ECU, I-I will concede you are doing this correctly. BUT I'M WATCHING YOU. I SHOVE AN ELECTRIC RAZOR BETWEEN MY ASS CHEEKS SO I CAN WIPE EFFECTIVELY.

The Suzuki Bandit is to high-end motorcycles what a combination KFC-Taco Bell is to fine dining. Of course, this isn't a bad thing really. I mean, think about it, who doesn't occasionally want to splooge on a compact representation of a more expensive, detailed product? Sometimes you just want a five layer burrito or some mashed potatoes, corn, chicken, and gravy arranged in layers of sedimentary rock. it doesn't mean the product itself is a bad thing, it just means you're looking for something affordable and satisfying as opposed to going for a pricey-er, more competitive version of the same experience. Of course, I should be saying "a more comprehensive version of the same experience". I mean to say that riding around on a Suzuki Bandit isn't the same as riding around on a Hayabusa, Ducati, or Buell. It's far more minimalist and utilitarian than all of that. 

Quick rundown: When it first came on the scene in 1997, and for its first four models, each Bandit had pretty much the same engine, an air and oil cooled 1157 inline four with 16 valves making 98 horsepower. Where that falls into the engine displacement I'm too lazy to look up, either the 600, 650, 750, or 1200. But this all changed in 2007 when the air and oil cooled engine no longer met Euro-3 emissions standards. These newer K6 models received a new fuel tank shape, side panels, and height adjustable seat, and a longer swing arm with hexagonal cross sections. 

You can't tell any of this by looking at *this* Suzuki Bandit because this one fell over in a truck sometime in its past and the owner right now is piecing it back together. It sorta has this Street Fighter thing lookin' going on with this half faring in the front that he cut down so it sorta looks like it belongs there. What am I talking about? He did a great job, i bet you didn't think there was anything different about this bike until I told you. But because of its cheapness, the Suzuki Bandit had a reputation of falling into the hands of dicks. You know, the type of guys who feel it's right to weave in and out of traffic. 

That's the thing that bugs me about the Suzuki Bandit, it's the perfect tourer. A small tourer, yes, but put bags and a nice windshield on this thing and you could go cross country. But it's so wheelie-happy that all the 'stuntaz' like the Bandit, because they're the guys popping wheelies outside Baltimore. But in attempting to court the average consumer as opposed to the ardent motorcycle enthusiast, the Bandit takes on an identity that is a metaphor for modern courtship itself, where success is measured entirely in terms of how hard one tries. Ultimately, in order to court anyone in both commerce and romance, you have to play by the commonly accepted rules of the game. You can give a compliment to that subtly gorgeous barista who can never get your drink right, but just know you'll become exponentially creepier for every moment you hang around afterwards. However, if you just drop a compliment into the middle of the conversation and walk away you, become "that guy I totally would have bung if he'd stuck around."

In much the same way, consumerism tries to have it both ways. Courtship is its own horrific catch 22. You can have all the sex you could ever want as long as you appear to not actually want it, but the minute you actively try to get laid, you go quickly from the king of all coitus to the lone protector of the friend zone. You suddenly become that creeper with a neck beard, a pose-able figure collection, and a regular seat by the stage of a strip club called the DIAMOND HYMEN. The people you're courting miss out, because they're making value judgements based on preconceived notions of what it means to try. One minute you're three fingers deep in some retail clerk from Bern Township, or eating out fashion majors from Moore College of Art, and the next you're just Johnny McTriesTooHard. You lose to to the weaponized mediocrity of some guy in an Affliciton t shirt and sleeve tattoos. In essence, in trying to court the average consumer, Suzuki has turned off the motorcycle enthusiast who might actually enjoy riding the Bandit. 

But, if you look again at the Bandit, you see this thing is beautifully simplistic. And also stealthy in its complexity, like 'The Last Supper' or an Erector Set. It's the bike that WANTS YOU TO. If the Bandit 1250 was a girl, she'd use teeth AND YOU'D LIKE IT. 

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During POV Ride

Regular: So how much ya want for it? *laughs*

Jacob (Bandit Owner): *laughs* ""You love it?

Regular: Yeah.

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Roman: 
And we'll just ride, 
We'll take the scenic route,
To where, I cannot say.

We're doing sixty five, 
And if you'd like to bang,
We'll stop along the way.

That handle's like the first time we made love, 
I didn't know where things were meant to go,
Thank goodness, now I know.

References[edit]