2006 Mazda RX-8

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2006 Mazda RX-8
RCR Mazda RX-8 Thumb.jpg
Car Details
Make Mazda
Model RX-8
Year 2006
Owner Skentz31 (YouTube)
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season YouTube Partner
Air Date February 3, 2014
Transcript
Credits u/lanator

(The description is too long)

Transcript[edit]

Oooh, it's got a rotary engine. 'S got a rotary engine. Did I tell you how small it is? Did I tell you how much power it has? Did i puh buph- DID I TELL YOU HOW MUCH POWER IT MAKES

---

INTRO by THE ROMAN

   I be a Mazda kind of man
   And be someone dudebros will understand

---

MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR

Insurance adjusters see the world exactly how you would expect. Venetian blinds full of integers, zipping up and down the Comcast Tower. Probability. Percentages. Percentiles. Your auto insurance only begins to drop at age 25 because that is the age your testosterone level begin to drop.

Oh, but the RX-8, that's the golden child. It's the against-all-odds hope in the unseen, squire of low degree that each third chair trumpet player sees themselves. Or a drummer who never got off the baseline. Speaking of band nerds, at highway speeds at about 3,700 to 4,000 RPM the twin rotary engine sings a C sharp which goes with exactly zero of the songs on your Sansa Clip.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, insurance and boners.

Because the RX-8 is a four-door and because companies only care about doors and engine displacement and this is a 1.3-liter, the two hundred-and-change horsepower RX-8 is as cheap to insure as a Ford Focus or a Hyundai Elantra.

What is this? C'mon now. Really? Really? The handbrake handle needs a barkbuster? What are you doing.

Lunch table mechanics who only read about and watch 3D animations of rotary engines will bang their half-pints of milk and insist that Felix Wankel was an unappreciated GENIUS equal in intellect to the likes of Robert Goddard and Art Fry!

Triangles? Triangles? Triangles. Triangles. Triangles. Triangles. So much triangles! Did I tell you it had a rotary engine? Did I tell you it had a rotary engine?

But here's the truth. If you have an RX-8 you can use no less than 91 octane. When you commit yourself to this relationship, have $5000 in reserve because your engine is expected to blow up, climax, stop rotation, have a stroke and develop a harsh case of spina bifida and a Dixie cup of dysentery at around 80,000 miles.

Here's why your engine's gonna crap out at eighty thousand. The edge of that triangle that rotates inside the housing, that little bit where the triangle reaches the top and has to make that seal each time has seals on the end of the triangle bits. And after about 80,000 miles those bits start to wear out and this thing's not sealing anymore. And it's not as simple as a piston engine where you just just replace piston rings.

And if that's not enough you need special spark plugs. And your clutch uses brake fluid. And... mmph... well look, there's nothing to see under here. Rotary engines are just a mess of pipes. There's no sexy rocker covers to show off. So Mazda puts this plastic cover on here to make the engine look bigger than it is.

Mazda RX-8. It's a relative being kept alive on life support until the insurance runs out.

When you buy an RX-8 you are forced to be in the rotary Church of Latter Day TAINTS. There's so few of you that you have to band together and fistbump and touch butts. FFFPFPFPF SO SMALL, SO MUCH POWER, SO SMALL, SO MUCH POWER, SO SMALL, SO MUCH POWER

And every other fill up you have to check the oil and buy shop gloves because the only accurate reading is when the engine is hot and you can't- you have to reach all the way down there because the oil dipstick has a really short handle and it's right next to the exhaust which burns hot all the time so you have to wear a glove or else you're gonna burn yourself. Why didn't they just make the dipstick longer?

Inside. Your cup holders, they're heated but accidentally because the transmission is right next door. When you start an RX-8 - and this bit's important - when you start an RX-8 in the cold it runs very rich. And once you start it you can't stop it. Don't turn it off. If you do? Flood City. And that's a problem if you have valets. The owner of this car said that if I give this car to a valet, I have to explain to him you have to let it warm up.

Curiously enough, with such a small engine it has a heavier clutch than the BRZ or FRS. Have you forgotten it's a rotary engine? VVVRRRRR MORE TRIANGLES.

But oh yes,

So many Mazdas of all shapes and sizes
We did the Miata which is why this franchise is
The RX-8 was an improved RX-7
which had been discontinued since 2011

It came in all colors, it came in all shades
Turd brown, magenta and gunmetal gray
Naturally aspirated with side exhaust ports
the engine was the two-and-ten horsepower sort

They said it was sleek, they said it was classy
But it was really just built on an MX-5 chassis.

Its style was developed through design competitions
In America and Europe in the Mazda tradition
And also Japan, let us not forget them
Like America's forgotten about Robin Wright Penn

The car was designed by Ikuo Maeda
A man who loved cars and maybe paella
The 50 front-rear weight distribution
Makes this the official car of Hitman: Absolution

Your friends all will marvel while drinking their Coors
When you open the freestyle suicide doors
They provide easy access to seats in the back
Since drunkenly banging takes all of one's tact

A symbol of money culture made manifest
That's how to describe the RX-8 best
For this is what Mazda intended to purvey
To make you feel King of all you survey

But this is a shadow? A trick of the mind?
A king of the road? Why, you are no such kind!
This car attracts bros, this car attracts schmoozers
This car attracts winners, bambizzlers and losers

This car seats much lower than new Honda Fits.
But it feels like you're sagging like elderly tits.

Headlights don't go up, nor do they go down
They do not make noises, they don't make a sound
As a coupe it's not high, nor is it too low
But we cannot fit roll bars for track day, my bro.



OUTRO

SUNVISOR: Here's an idea: sun visors that don't block anything.

HANDBRAKE: Because this- because this- its- it's a Honda XR650L with barkbusters on it and you're taking this thing on hair scramblers up in Tioga County. Frr- frr- frr- frr-

References[edit]