2005 Lotus Elise
|Air Date||December 25, 2013|
If the Lotus Elise was a person, it would be that jerk who eats nothing but fried rice and city chicken, yet never gains a pound. The Elise is also the gate keeper between daily-use cars that are kinda fast (Honda S2000) and dedicated sports cars (Elise). Once you drive one of these...oh man...like Like Skywalker swinging at that remote with the blast-shield down...Regular Car Reviews has taken a first step into a larger world.
This is the first of the Christmas specials - a yearly tradition, in which Mr. Regular drives a fast, not regular car to review.
"OPENING NARRATION by MR. REGULAR No. No. No, we're not doing this. No. I'm not doing this, this is not a regular car, this is against what this channel is abou-oh, I get to drive it? --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN (to the tune of ""The First Noel"") A new review of the Lotus Elise Let us see how it outruns the Hopewell police --- MONOLOGUE by MR. REGULAR How do you show up an MGB? Use a Miata. How do you silence a Miata driver? Hey, Honda S2000. But what word makes a Honda fanboy go mute? Lotus. (*spoiled bro voice*) "YEAH, BUT MINE HAS A HONDA ENGINE! AND IT'LL RUN FOREVER!" Heh, this one's got a Toyota engine! Dig this: The Lotus Elise is the gatekeeper between passenger cars that are kinda fast, and purpose-built cars that ARE fast. Think of it this way: For some people, a used Lotus Elise is the perfect toy, inexpensive and fun. But for others, this is an orange blip in the stratosphere, to be glimpsed at only through a telescope, or a window shopping eBay session. Because a used Miata will run you about five thousand dollars. Vaulting up to a used S2000, well, now you're talking about fifteen thousand dollars. But, oh man, once you get up to a Lotus Elise, you're talking thirty thousand dollars now. And that's about the threshold between the lower and middle classes. For you, me, $30,000, that's crippling. $30,000, that's the price of a used Ford F-350 Super Duty. Or for $30,000, that gets you a used RV. See, for the same price as a Lotus Elise, one could have a dwelling! And Lord knows, I've dreamed of saving up for years and buying an RV to have a dwelling (*meat voice*) AFTER THE FORREST INCIDENT. And that's the Elise's cruel double edge. It shows you what a wonderful expression of acceleration and grip a car can have if you sacrifice practicality. Think about it. A Honda Helix maxi scooter is more useful than an Elise. It can carry more cargo, and gasoline grifters will leave you alone. You ever hear of gasoline grifters? You ever run into one of these swindlers? Okay, real quick - when we were shooting this Elise video, we were approached by a woman in a Saab - it wasn't a Saab 9-5, it was some Saab wagon - she was well put together, she had, ehh, you know, like a vest on, she was maybe early 40s, and she comes up and gives this sob story (ed. note: Saab story?). It sounded like she told it a bunch of times, by how easily she told it. She told us the sob story about how she was kicked out of her house, it just happened right now, I have a dog, and she's pulling out of the back of this, you know, Saab station wagon these weird papers and diplomas, and saying - "I just - can you please fill my tank, can you please? I-I don't - I'm not good at begging this..." Yeah, yeah - she's not good at begging, but she was really good at telling the story - and she told the story, like, "I have to get to the next town or wherever," and the owner of this Elise did. He filled her tank. Because - what else could he do? This car looks rich. The Lotus Elise looks like a car for a rich man. Look at it! And that's what you're getting into if you buy an Elise. If you're in a rich part of town, okay, no problem. But if you roll one of these things around mid-state PA, uh-uh. What are you doing? What are you doing rolling up into town in this Elise - who are you? You're making us feel bad! I know I'm poor, you have to remind me about it? It's not fair. It's not fair for you or for them. I know I'm splitting both sides here, but that's how it is, that's how we think. You have to be ready for that. You have to be ready for Dollar Tree clerks to make assumptions about you. They won't know you saved up and worked hard so you can enjoy your dream car. All they see is Mr. Moneybags. Oh yeah, that's right, I'm releasing this on Christmas. (*sing-song voice*) Mer-ry Christ-mas Two-thousand-thir-teen! Alright, let's pick it up! Let's pick it up! Let's get the mood back! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it u- (*low voice*) Maybe you're watching this on your cell phone, or your iPad while everybody else whyowulualve-opens Christmas presents in front of you, and you're watching this? Ahh, look at your family. Look at your family and friends! Find the oldest male. Heh, found the oldest male? Looking at him? (*meat voice*) YOU'RE NOW PICTURING HIM EATING PUSSY. YOU'RE NOW PICTURING HIM EATING PUSSY. OHH, HE'S EATING PUSSY-BIG 1970s BUSH. OHH, JINGLE BELLS! Specifications! Yeah, that's fun, everybody likes specifications. 2005 Lotus Elise Series 2. It's the first one to be sold in US dealerships, has a 190-horsepower, 1.8-litre Toyota ZZ engines. Compression is eleven, point, five, point one-I have to really learn what compression means. You won't get full power until the engine gets up to about 140 degrees, and this engine was also used in the Pontiac Vibe(?!) and the Toyota Celica GTS. And the cylinder head was worked over by Yamaha, so this engine, yeah, it's a Toyota, but it revs way higher and makes more power. Here's the problem with penis pumps, and I'm talking about the ones where you fit everything inside, those ones that are the size of a two-litre bottle, maybe a bit smaller - they're for fitting not just your junk, but but your balls in, too? And what most guys do is they go hog-wild, you know, with the electric pump - and some are electric, some are hand - and, they start sucking all of their groin flesh into the tube, so they think their balls look bigger, but really, what they're doing is just sucking all their groin flesh in so everything just sorta hangs low, they're not really bigger, they just have an exaggerated pendulum-like thing, and they think that looks good. Oh, let's see, let's see. Lotus Elise, Lotus Elise, was introduced in 1996. 1996, okay, well, let's see - Oasis released 'Wonderwall', 'The English Patient', won Best Picture, and Bill Clinton won a second term as the President after (*meat voice*) BUSH. In essence, the difference between the Elise and similar cars of the time is that the Elise wasn't lying about its weight on the Internet using Facebook angles to give off the shape of a pilsner glass. What you saw was what you got, and what you got was attractive enough for what you were getting under the hood. The Elise was a holistically British creation, not unlike spotted dick, long shadows and sarcasm. The original Elise, the Series 1, harkened back to a nobler era. A nobler era of Stratego and Pogs, of Dunkaroos, of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, of Days when the hashtag was still called a pound sign, and your lawn wasn't populated with teenagers to whom Kurt Cobain has always been dead. But, it's hard to stay mad at the gulf between my stupid little bank account and this beauty of a Lotus. (video clip of Mr. Regular getting in: "ooh, HUAGH, AUGH, HO-HO, A-HAUGH, A-HUH") The acceleration is too much, and sometimes, during my short time with this Elise, it felt like I was seeing the whole world, all at once. My lungs filled up with cold Pennsylvania air, like balloons that are about to burst, and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to the moment. And then, all the energy flows through me like fresh full synthetic. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of this stupid little car. You have no idea what I'm taking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will drive a Elise someday. --- CLOSING VIDEO CLIP (Mr. Regular is driving the Elise, footage from PoV) Owner: ...turn signal's on, here, just push second as you go through here. Mr. Regular: Okay. Owner: And. ride it to the redline. (as Mr. Regular revs up) Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, woo! Mr. Regular: YEAAAAAHHHHH! Oh my gosh! Owner: There you go! A little short-shifted... Mr. Regular: *consumed maniacal laughter for rest of clip* Owner: Isn't that great? It never gets old! When you're like, oh, there it is, no no, then more, then more, then more, then more...