2005 BMW 330Ci
|Air Date||April 21, 2014|
BMW 330Ci: The official car of "I'd like to speak to your manager." This is the car for the person who likes to say: "We can take my BMW," instead of "We can take my car."
2005 BMW 330Ci. A used 330 is what you buy after your E30 gets brought up during MARRIAGE COUNSELING. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of 'The Freshman' by The Verve Pipe For the life of me I cannot remember, Why it's called 330Ci, or they never told me why. For the life of me I cannot believe we'd came this far to review, Another BMW. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR A 330 is a front engine, rear wheel drive passenger four-door sedan, priced $40,000. Engine type: dual-overhead cam, 24-valve inline-six with aluminum block, head and multi-port fuel injection. 182 cubic inches or 2,979 cubic centimeters. 235 horsepower at 5,900 rpm. Torque: 222 lb·ft at 3,500 rpm. Transmission: automatic 6-speed manual. Dimensions: got wheelbase, got length, got width, got height. Curb weight: 3285 [unintelligible]. 0-60 in 5.6 seconds, 0-100 in 15.3 seconds Satan is my god- Quarter mile in 14.3 seconds at 97 mph, top speed 152 mph, braking from 70-0 mph, uh, 158 feet record [unintelligible] 0.86 g's [unintelligible] all hail Lucifer- Enough of that crap! Look around the cabin of this 330Ci, what don't you see? You don't see cupholders, do you? This is a condescending move by Barbarian Motor Works giving us Americans such a central-European layout. I NEED TO DRINK THINGS. I NEED TO EAT THING. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell your Autobahn stories about how the Germans take driving more seriously than we do. Fantastic. But it's four hours to Pittsburgh and I've got a Sheetz burrito calling my name and I want to eat it while I make time. Sheetz! Sheetz! Sheetz! Sheetz! In 2005, Crash won Best Picture Oscar and BMW gave it a run for its money in the white guilt department. You could be forgiven for thinking that this car was all style and no substance, given a silver bullet aesthetic that suggests there are mountains on the side to change blue when it's cold out. But the 330Ci is actually a smooth driving experience, despite its heavier-than-standard steering and its occasional sluggish maneuvering around corners. One moment it's taken corners smoother than a Cadbury Creme Egg and the next it's chugging like a Newgrounds video on dial-up. It's a dichotomy that can hamper the driving experience if you're not driving manual, but let's face it, if you're not driving a BMW with a stick shift you're just steering it. There's a general lack of room in the footwell, but really this isn't the most spacious car in the world to begin with, it's supposed to fit five passengers but even then it's kind of a tight squeeze. On top of that, the small boot means low cargo capacity, so if you're a gangster there's basically no room to dispose of the bullet-strewn corpses of Cincinnati Salad, Johnny Cheese Box or Jimmy the Rat. BMW 330Ci, the official car of "I'm not racist, but...". This is the Aston Martin of empty threats, if James Bond was an insurance adjuster. It has a dial that lists mpg's, but stops at 12 and never goes to zero. It's an automotive representation of how schools drop all grades below 50% to meet AYP, at the cost of real education of course. When you drive a BMW 330Ci new, it will run you about $40,000, and while I suppose that's fair for what you're getting beneath the hood, you're really paying for the brand. You're paying for the visibility of being seen driving a BMW. BMW 330Ci. The official car of "I'd like to speak to your manager". It's the same reason why Altoids are so expensive, they come in a fancy-ass tin. Sure the mints taste like sidewalk chalk and can probably be used the same way, but we're in an age that fetishizes brand recognition. You could buy the bag of frosted flakes from the bottom shelf, but your kid will probably start bitching about how there's not a cartoon tiger on the front. And you could fill a Scrooge McDuck vault with all the money spent on keeping up appearances. With that said, the 330Ci does have a reputation for reliability, it's as dependable as a direct's condom or the moderate fluctuating prices of Sears Auto Center. In many ways, a BMW privileges aesthetic. It's about the hopeful idealism you can experience when you go all-in on a brand, even if you have nothing to go on than reputation. If you're buying a BMW, odds are this is the only car you'll be able to afford. It's sort of like the video game console wars in grade school when you were a kid, you were fiercely devoted to either PlayStation or Nintendo or Sega. It was likely because your parents could only afford to get you one system, so you had to put all your weight behind it, because to do otherwise would be to admit you had chosen wrong. And God only knows when you're going to get a chance do a do-over. Maybe you'll end satisfied with your 330Ci, maybe you'll find out that the drive isn't as smooth as you expected, that you won't be taking corners like a professional driver on a closed course. Maybe you'll only get 21 miles per gallon city, just maybe you'll realize that its form wrote a check that its function can't cash. And if that's the case, this stops being the story about function is corrupted for the sake of beauty and instead becomes a story about waiting for a moment that never comes. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of (???) Hailed on a job interview, When they asked me about my past, I don't really see how that's a relevant thing, as, I'm the image of success, I passed my manager's test, I drive a 330Ci.