2005 Audi A4 Quattro

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2005 Audi A4 Quattro
RCR A4 Quattaro.jpg
Car Details
Make Audi
Model A4 Quattro B6
Year 2005
Owner David Monagle
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season The Boulder Roadtrip
Air Date November 24, 2014
Transcript
Credits Giacomo

The A4 is a gym teacher power-trip on wheels. You buy an A4 because you want a Subaru Outback but you don't want to look like you support organic sustainability.

Transcript[edit]

This is the Audi A4 Quattro B6. If Mr. Sanderson is in the teachers' lounge, he's talking smack about his students and he's parked next to the window, so he can keep an eye on this gym teacher power trip on wheels

---

INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN
to the tune of (???)

But I can tell you this B6 looks like cash on wheels,
I guess that's just part of this Audi's appeal.

---

MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR

This A4 sports a 1.8 liter 20-valve turbo and inline-four with a five-speed automatic and 148 bhp. It's a car that takes you off guard, like a Mitch Hedberg joke. This is a car for the administrator who feels the last day of school should be the strictest one of all. Cut him off on the side of the road - that's a demerit , lip him off when he takes too long in a four-way stop - that's a demerit - demerit, demerit, demerit, five demerits and you'll have to stay after class with your pants around your ankles taking thwacks from a ruler measuring one quarter of an inch thick - maybe if you're lucky you'll be on the Adam Carolla Donkey Squad. 

The A4 Quattro is for the guy who's square on the job, but A RHOMBUS IN THE BEDROOM. HE MASTURBATES IN DANGEROUS PLACES AND HE NEVER CLEARS HIS SEARCH HISTORY BECAUSE HE'S SECRETLY AROUSED BY THE POSSIBILITY OF GETTING CAUGHT AND HAVING TO EXPLAIN WHAT FURAFFINITY IS.

The A4 is deceptive, it's not immediately apparent what you're getting at from just looking at it. Yeah, it's got a turbo and it's got all-wheel drive, so it's a Subaru Legacy from Germany? But it's really Danny Tanner, you think he's a nice guy and then suddenly you hear Bob Saget stand up when he's talking about giving it to the Olsen twins. 

It makes good use of its hundred and forty-eight horsepower and yet, as a car, it's just naive enough to think it can chill in the showroom next to luxury class vehicles. Audi wants to call this things a 'compact executive car': Cadillac Catera, as if suggesting the person driving it has somewhere he really needs to be right this minute and yeah, you should probably just take it to the shoulder and let him pass. 

Oh, you think you're so important, don't you, with your front engine, and your front-wheel drive, and your all-wheel drive and your 104-inch wheelbase and your regular seat in the front of the stage of the strip club that serves tacos- LET'S TACO-BOUT DAT ASSSSS-

This is the official car of "I think that stripper really likes me", and it's sponsored by "That one stripper who really likes me! SHUT UP".

I admit, I just wanted to think of this car as an underpowered, underutilized turbo, but it's a reminder not to judge a book its cover, we've all made that mistake before. Have you ever read 'Where the Red Fern Grows' or 'My Dog Skip'? Here's a lesson, if you ever come across a kids' book that's got a dog and a Newbery Medal on the cover, just go with 'Blueberries for Sal' instead. It's a perfect car for blasting Fountains of Wayne while you're stuck in traffic on 222 and rethinking every life choice that's brought you here. It's a smooth car, it has an aesthetic that's as common as the urge to sprint during the load screen of Assassin's Creed. It's sleek but uninspired, its style is the future by way of the past, like a Futurama head in a jar. But you buy an Audi, particularly an A4 Quattro because you're aiming for ambition, but something's afraid, you seem afraid to go all the way, like peasants talked out of a revolt. Because not all peasants can be like the Yellow Tiger. Strangely enough, the Yellow Tiger is also the term for a bedroom technique that involves needle-nose pliers, a copy of Autoweek, a gallon of Turkey Hill gelato and AN OPEN MIND.

The Audi A4 quattro is very good in the snow, so your teacher will always get there on time, or your university president will always get there on time and be able to transverse the roads and NOT cancel cancel classes, because he got there. So this is a car with a look of academic disapproval on its face. How about some specifications? The B6 is the 2nd-gen model, so named because it runs on the Volkswagen Group B6 platform. It took its inspiration from the 2nd-gen A6 introduced in 1997. The automatic transmission on the front-wheel drive models was replaced by a continuously-variable transmission, which is supposed to be responsive, refreshingly lightweight and driven by a high-strength chain using synthetic luuuuuuuuuube- stepless automatic transmission. 

Hey, thanks for buying a sticker! 

DENVER.

---

POV DRIVE

Mr. Regular: *raises the armrest* Whoops! Oh.

Owner: There's a magnet, it broke like jerry-rig did. And then you have to push this button...

R: ... to make it go all the way down, and then it goes down more, for extra down. *laughs*

O: Yes, extra down! *laughs*

---

OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN
to the tune of 'Let It Go' by Idina Menzel, 'World Spins Madly On' by The Weepies and 'Alejandro' by Lady Gaga

Let it bro, let it bro, can't ho- what am I doing, I hate this song!

I woke up, and I wished that I could drive,
Something sexier and live,
Something different than my wife.
A nice sedan, but nothing more,
Something with an inline-four.

Smooth as a box of Fiber One, Audi A4,
It's gotta use synthetic lube, B6 quattro,
Like the mother of a horny guy with broken arms,
You are a sex machine, baby.

Audi A4, Audi A4, oh,
Audi Audi A4, Audi Audi A4.

References[edit]