2004 Volvo S60r
|Season||The Early Years|
|Air Date||September 2, 2013|
Big thanks to Youtube user KniteWulf for letting us film his S60R. Check him out here:
In 2004 Volvo comes out with something no one was expecting; a 300hp, turbocharged 5-cyl rage monster. Finally suburban kids had a way to get back at their Bush-Loving Fox-Body Driving Dads. Finally my love-pucker can take more than a Maglite. Make all the comparisons to the BMW 3-Series you want. The S60R isn't really a BMW. It is loaded with electric motors that weigh it down. The good news is that no one expects a Volvo to be fast. No one expects you to butt-chug aftershave either.
Hey! Volvo S60R. Guess what. You're not a BMW and you never will be. --- INTRO SONG: "Check The Rhime" by A Tribe Called Quest --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR Nope. Never. Never. Never. Never! NOW, FIRM UP YOUR SHOCKS AND PLASTI-DIP MY SHAME. The Volvo S60R is almost ten years old now, and yet it still has the lines of a contemporary sports sedan, until you reach for the radio. Oh, no aux jack! You gotta reach for your spindle of blank CDs and load up on Roxio CD Creator because it's 2004 and there's this thing called "torrents". Hey guess what, I just got "To the 5 Boroughs" in just 11 minutes- BA-BA-BASS CLITORIS. How wide are the tires? Well, they're almost a foot wide. Speaking of wide, forget you posers and anal training with your Gillette Fusion. Oh, oh you didn't know? Yeah, that's what it's for. Oh, you think those little ribs are for grip? SURPRISE! MAGLITE. The engine skirts the line as a 5-cylinder. Why? Because Volvo. All your fluids are crammed on one side, because Volvo! I love the spaceball. I HATE THE SPACEBALL. It starts with your thumb AND THEN IT GETS FUN. Volvo! And it comes with a telephone. What? No, really, it comes with a telephone. It comes with a car phone. It's an integrated car phone, in 2004. Yes, yes, yes! No. Yes! No. Yes! No. Submit, submit, submit. Forget the flashlight, we're taking this to a-whole-nother level! Oh! Oh! Real fart. *farts* But wide wheels and tires have a drawback. They take up a lot of room and can't turn very far before the inner wheel will hit some sort of control bit or that wheel well. That means that the turning circle is AAAAGH. Instead of just using dual filament bulbs like everybody else, the headlights of the S60R turn up and down for high beam and low beam. Why? Because Volvo! That's just another set of electric motors to break. The fuel door will only unlatch for ten second before it locks again. Why? Volvo! All Volvos remind me of that time I was at Wendy's and I was eating at the SuperBar and I saw this post-menopausal lady, she got on top of the SuperBar and just dropped her pants and started queefing on everything she was queefing on the garbanzo beans, and then she got a turkey baster and just filled up her snatch with some old pool water and then just queefed again and again and again and again and again-