2004 Ford Mustang SN-95
|Season||A Return to Form|
|Air Date||March 28, 2016|
One of the cheapest Mustangs you can buy today. This is Roman's car.
OPENING NARRATION by THE ROMAN Hey guys, the Roman here-waitno don't turn it off-nojuststop. --- INTRO “SONG” by MR. REGULAR (unintelligeble backwards speech) burning in your eye (unintelligeble backwards speech) --- MONOLOGUE by THE ROMAN All right, well... for everyone who stayed, thanks. Mr. Regular thought I should narrate this one, A: because he needs the break- (clip of Mr. Regular grinding inside the Vagabond Falcon's engine bay) B: because I write half of every review anyway so I might as well just finish this one off and C: because it's my car. This is Red Betty. A 40th Anniversary SN-95 from 2004. Is it the V8? No it is not. Is it a manual? Not that either. Do I care? Absolutely not. You see, popular perception states that when you get a Mustang you somehow have to apologize for having gotten it. Because I guess they're easy to rip on? But then what car isn't easy to pick apart if you dedicate time to the picking. The 3.8-liter V6 is deceptively vigorous. Like sex the second time with some you really like. Because the first time is almost always uniformly awkward and awful, y'know, like, hands everywhere and shit. It's like one of those fight clouds from a Hannah-Barbera cartoon mixed with the tornado from Life Is Strange. Making 193 horsepower at 5500 RPM, 225 pound-feet of torque at 2800 RPM and, with 57-43 weight distribution there's a really understated sense of power with the V6. It's punchy enough to add some oomph to your daily drive. Hell, it's easy to find yourself going ten over the limit without really realizing it because that feeling of power rumbles beneath you like all the shit you never said to your dad. Even the V6 offers that old-school muscle car feel. That's probably why Mustangs are ubiquitous as hell in my Eastern PA city which is like Philadelphia but way, way poorer. People buy these things because it's an affordable way to get power into your driving experience. Maybe it's just a thing with Puerto Ricans like me but we love Mustangs. My grandmother had one, my- my mom was driving one when she met my dad, my nephew would live in mine if I let him... It-it-... We just love that union of power and style and affordability and... I mean, you're not going to win any Twisted Metal tournaments with this thing but then I'm not sure whether you'd want to anyway since Calypso is just going to corrupt whatever it is you wish for so eh. This thing is sporty and spirited... I can't really think of a better way to describe it. And it's surprisingly capable in a wide variety of driving conditions due in large part to its pretty responsive handling and easygoing steering. I mean, egh... Headroom is tight if you're tall and the backseats are only comfortable for amputees and the design is one of those acquired tastes. Like a thousand-dollar hooker, it'll look cheap to some but to others it'll be everything they've ever wanted in a car. But I still feel like the pros outweigh the cons here for the most part. Before I owned one I- I admit I found a certain amount of mistrust with the design. It's as if I expected there to be some sort of catch to how something I actually liked could be so attainable. I mean hey, I swipe left on a lot of good-looking girls but not because I'm picky. It's just, I don't trust that they aren't spam bots so I'd rather not take the risk. Look, if I wanted to bang a cold, emotionless robot I'd have never broken up with my college girlfriend. If I swipe right and we're a match, I better not then get a message linking me to some camsite where some poor nail technician is paying off her Empire Beauty School debt by churning the butter for total strangers. Ogh- oh man, before I forget! This car came with a CD in the glovebox. Now for s- For DMCA reasons I can’t play it but... Dude, check out this tracklist, this is ridiculous. CAPTION of TRACKLIST: “Aston Martin” by Drake “The Chain” by Fleetwood Mac “Dream On” by Aerosmith “Fire Flame” by Birdman “Landslide” (Live) by Fleetwood Mac “Get Off Me” by Gorilla Zoe “Headstrong” by Trapt “Higher” by Creed “I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts “I Stand Alone” by Godsmack “Separate Ways” by Journey “La Grange” by ZZ Top “Riot” by Three Days Grace “Sharp Dressed Man” by ZZ Top “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven “Hard in Da Paint” by Waka Flocka Flame “Black and Yellow” by Wiz Khalifa” “Luv Dem Gun Sounds” by Waka Flocka Flame “I Say” by Bay Bay Like, who the hell is this person? This is the kind of CD you make when you get your first burning-capable PC and an internet connection that'll tolerate LimeWire. Within this person is multitudes. We go from Drake to Fleetwood Mac to Aerosmith to Trapt to Creed to Journey to double ZZ Top and Waka Flocka Flame. Because why the hell not? I mean, y- I kinda want to meet this person. Not really but a little bit really? Eh, shit. Where was I? Oh, yeh. History Time. It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who wrote, “An institution is a lengthy shadow of one man.” And so it was with the Ford Mustang, the vision of one Lee Iacocca, the Pennsylvania Jesus who resurrected the Lazarus corpse of the automotive industry in the late 70s and early 80s. Now when Ford recognized that more and more people were ordering the Falcon with the 164 horsepower, 260 cubic inch V8 it was kind of hard to ignore the public's demands. In the 50s and 60s, asking for a larger engine was a perfectly reasonable request. Like asking your school-aged children to mix you a cocktail at dinner parties or calling your secretary Toots, the Ford Falcon engine bay accommodated a V8. Ford had such V8s so why not give the customer what he or she was willing to pay for? Of course, cars were simpler back then. There were no computers and if the engine and gearbox fit all you had to was connect some throttle cables, run wires to the ignition switch and lights, cram hoses for cabin heat and there, you're done! The difference between cars then and cars today is the difference between an apple and the human circulatory system. Eventually Ford came to the decision to give the Falcon the ol' Angela White makeover. Let's take this thing and make it impossibly sexy! The Mustang had arrived and it was a car that to critics was little more than a generic crossover for the part-time waitress bearing the crotch fruit of her office manager husband. A Ford Falcon in shiny wrapping, all style and no substance. But it was exactly that iconic styling that sold the Mustang to the general public. The look attracted eyeballs and envy and with each new consumer who bought one that envy grew among those around him. It was a car whose reputation grew as much by sight as by word of mouth. Howard next door had one and damn, how 'bout that Mustang? Now Reginald had to have one too. It ended up being a case of argumentum ad populum: if a lot of people believe it then it must be true. A lot of people thought the Mustang was a sexy beast for its time. So before long it sort of just became the accepted truth. Now granted, that's not really the case now but it has a long legacy behind it and a lot of people who are loyal to it. And hey, you know, I'm one of 'em. That doesn't mean I don't see the faults in the Mustang, it doesn't mean I think it's the greatest car ever made but... y'know, I love Red Betty. What's funny is that the Mustang wasn't even that revolutionary from a design standpoint. Iacocca basically just took the body Eugene Bordinat designed and pasted it onto the Falcon. Hell, the engine itself came from the Ford Fairlane. Oh, and critics ripped on the Mustang for its supposed lack of originality but it ended up being proof of Betteridge's Law of Headlines- yeah I know just bear with me. It stipulates that if you ever see a newspaper headline that ends in a question, the answer to that question is usually “no”. Ford Mustang: A flash in the pan? No. One Million Mustangs Sold: Is there anything Iacocca can't do? No! Spider-Man: Public menace? Nooooooo- The Mustang is a car that is artfully uncomplicated in ways adult life never is. It's a throwback to a simpler kind of car. Sure, there's a distinctive style here but it doesn't come at the expense of substance. It's a car that is more than the sum of its reputation. So if you can ever get a chance, y'know... Even if it's something that you're not thinking about owning, I think you should give the Mustang a shot. I mean, it might surprise you. I mean, it surprised me. Even though I was always kind of in that camp? I was still kind of doubtful? But then I kind of gave it a shot and, y'know... The rest is history. --- ENDING “SONG” by MR. REGULAR Doo wa doo wa dooooo-ooo Do you want to know a secret Do you promise not to tell Oh-woa-oah Closer