2003 Subaru Impreza WRX
|Air Date||March 17, 2014|
Subaru WRX: The official car of "Bros Night Out." A turbocharged flat-banger vehicle for Going Ugly Early and knowing full-well that next year is going to be your Super-Senior year.
[AUDIO FADE IN, MR. REGULAR, ‘JAPANESE’ VOICE:] SUBARU IMPOSSIBRU! --- INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN (please find original tune!) The official car of Bro’s Night Out, Sponsored by “let’s go right now”, Better than sub-par sex, It’s a WRX! --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR [‘JAPANESE’ TONE:] Subaru impossibru! Oh, you like-a-Subaru? [TEXT: Oh, you like Subaru’s?] You like to rally cross? [TEXT: Do you like rallycross?] *Asian-sounding noises* [TEXT: (unintelligible)] Oh, Subaru drier, four-wheel driftawuuu! [TEXT: Hello Mr. Subaru Driver. Is there a good chance you will perform a four-wheel drift?] Ugh, Mitsubuishi, uuuuuuuuuuu! [TEXT: Competing automotive brand] Oh, this review just this-a-voice, uuuuuuuuuuu? [TEXT: Is this review just this voice?] This is-a-racist, uuuuuuuuuuu! [TEXT: This is racist, [ascending] uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu] A-four-wheel disc assistiba- uuuuuuuuuuu! Oh, this is sin-uuuuuu-*laughter* [NORMAL TONE:] This is so bad…this is horrible. This is a 2003 Subaru WRX ‘bugeye’. It’s the weird one. In the late 90s, WRXs and Subarus were spank material. And the new line of WRXs come now with gamertags and a casual Red Bull or Monster energy drink sponsorship. But these early 2000s WRXs with these frat boy innocent “c’mere, I wanna show you something” eyes are not aged enough to bare nostalgic fruit, nor are they new enough to be of any real value. They’re not even relevant. 2003 WRX: the Hoobastank of cars. This is a car for guys who wear knock-off Wayfarers from Dollar Tree and toss an XFL football around their frat house front lawn. I was surprised when I saw the 7000RPM redline. The owner told me that the 2.2 turbo welcomes high revs because that 300CC diet lightens the pistons enough to compete with Mitsubishi in fifth-period gym class shuttle runs. Why is this boost gauge measured in pascals? Why is the shift knob cold? Why does the rear deck wing have to be- SUBARU IMPOSSIBRU! [‘JAPANESE’ TONE:] The voice is-a-back, uuuuuuuuuuu! [TEXT: The voice is back, [scrolling] uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu] Oh, flying camera, uuuuuuuuuuu! Vented atmosphere-aaaaaaaaaa! Inappropiate eeehhhhhhh! [TEXT: Inappropiate /d/] Jalopnik will not run this one, eeehhhhhh! [TEXT: Jalopnik will not run this one] [NORMAL TONE:] The thing about being into Imprezas is that you have to sign up to message boards, and you have to talk to other people who are into these cars, and you have to know all the intricate differences between all the models. And often that results in a degraded pissing contest about who knows the most abbreviations for the most things: GDB, GDF, STI, BRF, USDM. Oh, but it makes 260 horsepower- no, it makes 280 horsepower- no, it really only makes 250, but oh, at the wheels, you make 220, and bababababa! You have it on Japanese spec, which is what we’re going by: there’s Applied C, there’s Applied D, there’s Applied E, there’s Applied F, there’s Applied G. But they’re missing the point. [TEXT: They’re missing the point.] A Subaru Impreza WRX is for the guy who honestly believes no means yes. Subaru WRX: a ten-dollar cover charge on wheels. A zig-zag Tetris block when all you need is the line. Subaru WRX: sponsored by undergraduate degrees in graphical design. A car for the guy whose favourite movie is the trailer for Matrix: Reloaded. Subaru WRX: A car for the guy whose favourite sexual position is Reverse Cowgirl because it doesn’t require making EYE CONTACT. Subaru WRX: A gold medallist in the Olympics of COCK-BLOCKING. A tentative driving experience, a car that feels locked in a constant state of hesitation as if waiting for that last nudge of peer pressure to justify leaving its comfort zone. Subaru WRX: sponsored by sincere douchebros who play Wonderwall and Santana at every open mic night. Subaru WRX ‘bugeye’: A car whose nickname is synonymous with rebound Rebecca’s expression when you give her the shocker while rounding the central computer and passing through the oven, resulting in a lifetime ban from Chocolate World. --- OUTRO CARD [TEXT: Aerial Photography by: // CapAerial // facebook.com/capaerial] *unintelligible chatter, beeping, drone starts up* [UNKNOWN:] Wow! --- [SAPSAUSBAUS:] Because, when you said they had, like a copter, I thought it be one of them smaller like… [MR. REGULAR:] Yeah. [SAPSAUSBAUS:] And they took it out and holy shit! [MR. REGULAR:] No, they, they, yeah, they did the one…they did the one video of when Matt Farah drove that guy- It’s the ultimate JDM and it’s right-hand-drive, and all the parts are – even the radio can’t get any stations because it’s a Japanese radio. *chatter* He turned it right back to where it was…to what it would have been. So, and then, the helicopter guys were doing video for them…for that. --- [OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN, text: Happy St. Patty’s Day!] I’m resting my quads and my collar is popped, This car’s like the duce(?) that has yet to be dropped!