2003 Dodge Neon SRT-4
|Air Date||July 21, 2014|
The SRT-4 is the souped-up version of the 2nd-Gen Neon. You're looking at the last hurrah before Chrysler stopped making small cars. Right, the Dodge Neon was one-inch longer than the base model Caravan, I know. For three years, this Neon was the 2nd fastest car Chrysler made, behind the Dodge Viper.
You want a Prelude SI, but when you bring up the subject of foreign cars with your dad, he just says "FREEDOM AIN'T FREE." while cycling lead heads through his Browning Hi-Power while watching Victory at Sea. ----- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN Oh yeah, Dodge Neon! The lumbar support and comfort is gone, Oh yeah, Dodge Neon! The car isn't great, but the memories are fond. ----- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR: 2003 Dodge Neon SRT-4. It's an angry car, for angry boys, who sit below the dating table and chase the chubby crumbs from the blown alpha Camaros and tuned SIs. An SRT-4 is drawing skulls in art class. It's angry... but it doesn't know why. Rage. Torque. Steering with no direction. It's furious at a social structure built on exclusion and conveniently missed text messages. "Oh we invited you, Neon," smiled all the popular imports, "didn't you get our text message?" No it didn't, because they never sent it. The SRT just can't fit in, it's too American to fit in with the import tuner scene and not V8-y enough to be a muscle car. It's driven by the wrong wheels, has too many doors, needs an inhaler to run right, and no matter how often it signs its worksheet with its middle name, the teacher still calls him 'Neon'. So, Neon goes home and takes pictures of his DICK and learns Photoshop well enough to make it bigger. There's three novelty samurai swords hanging on a rack above his TV and a replica of Vash's revolver on his desk. And you know why? Do you know why the SRT lives with the kind of angst that drives youths to develop internet personas? Dig this: The 2.4L 4 cylinder is the same plant from the social-worker Dodge Stratus and 'early bird special' PT Cruiser. The standard Neons had the 2.0L engine, for reference. But the cylinder head is different, larger valves, double cam instead of single, different oil routing to keep it cool, and a Mitsubishi turbo that makes twelve-ish PSI stock. What you're looking at here is a 2003 SRT which means that stock, the rework plant makes about 215 horsepower. But the owner of THIS SRT has a lot of 2004 parts in it, bringing it up to... I think 230 horsepower? Or 240 horsepower? Or-or maybe this things making 250... See it's hard to tell because Chrysler was always vague in the beginning what the SRT truly made, but Chrysler didn't have to hem and haw too long because the dodge neon SRT-4 only existed from 2003... until 2005. But in that short time, it gained the respect of NO ONE. The SRT-4 is full of angst because no matter how many Civics and RSXs and E36s it beats, it's still a QUEER NEON. With its fem-boy curves and cardio hips... Oh sure, you can get little plastic frowny strips to make your headlights angry, but that just makes your car look like a tweener throwing a tantrum because mom found his weed again, so the SRT-4 has to do ANYTHING TO APPEAR MANLY. IT HAS TO DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING! BLOW OFF VALVE ALL THE TIME! BUHBUHBUHBUHBUH VHVHVHVBUHBUHBUHBUH URRH I'M SO STRAIGHT! NO MUFFLERS NO MUFFLERS NO STRAIGHT JUST RESONATOR AND A TURBO! DYNAMAT ON MY BATHROOM SINK! MORE MORE! FIBER! FIBER! FIBER! INDULGENCE! INDULGENCE! INDULGE ME! URRRRRRRR I JERK OFF IN RUNNING SHORTS FOR EASY CLEAN UP AND THEN SOAK 'EM IN THE SINK. REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE. HURRRRRRRRRR! HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO POOP? HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO! NEVER LET DOWN! ANDREW WK AT [unintelligible] HRRRR I JUST WIPED BUT I HAVE TO POOP AGAIN! PUMP UP MY GENITALS FULL OF SALINE UNTIL MY DICK LOOKS LIKE A CHIMICHANGA. [Yawn] Dodge Neon SRT-4. A car with big doors to allow your eventual dad belly. Duke swagger still looks in shape from the back nut-hugger jeans to enter with a tin of Skull rolled up in your sleeves while maintaining recklessness to throw down because it's high noon at the last parking space in value city. You know... for all its angst, there's still a lot of individuality in any SRT-4. It's sorta like that quote from Roger Daltrey's AMA about why music will never be like it was in the 60's and 70's. He explains that when you scratch a record, there's a scratch right there... from you. So there are things on vinyl that will never live on in digital. The coffee stains on the cover and so on. And it's the same thing with the SRT-4. It's a car so tied up in the idea of itself that it expects you not to litter it with Taco Bell wrappers and paint chips and discarded octane booster bottles from the awkward cramped sex at the blue marsh boat launch. It's a car that invites you to customize it more than that Prelude that you originally wanted. ----- Mr. Regular (In car): Choo choo! So if I should wan- ah, what, uh whats two? Owner: Uh two is, it's going to be... okay, it's going to be minimal boost in low gear, when you get into third it's going to be higher. Mr. Regular (In car): And three is crazy? Owner: Yeah. Three is... Yeah. Three's the fun one. Mr. Regular (In car): I, uh, I'm gonna keep it in first. Mr. Regular (In car): [Laughing] Aaah, it's just rattling and banging! Owner: Oh yeah, it's very loud. It's built for flooring it, too. Mr. Regular (In car): Alright I'm in four- I'm in fourty, can I give it to fifth? Yeah, ah, it'll take fifth. This car's not subtle in any way. Owner: Yeah. Mr. Regular (In car): There's an old guy in a Camaro behind us. Does he wanna go man? Okay, I'm putting it- I'm putting it in crazy mode. Do it. Roman (In car): Camaro's like ""hey, why don't you climb off your wife for five minutes and come catch this ass whoopin!"" Mr. Regular (In car): Heh heh heh! Roman (In car): Sound's like ironing your clothes. Mr. Regular (In car): Oh that's definitely... uh, more boost. HOLY MOLY! AHRRRR UHRRR AHRRRR AHRRR UHRRR AHRRR UHRRR AHRRRR UHRRRR AHRRR UHRRR AHRRR ----- Roman (Singing): Dodge Neon sayawam nayam, Banayam waym sanaayaam, Sponsored by a nayzaheeyaah , I'll lube you up for a naysauh heaaayeauhhh, Heyyaauhh. -----