2003 Cadillac CTS V6

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2003 Cadillac CTS V6
RCR Cadillac CTS V6 Thumb.jpg
Car Details
Make Cadillac
Model CTS V6
Year 2003
Owner Rob (robertcary7 (Instagram))
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season The Boulder Roadtrip
Air Date December 22, 2014
Transcript
Credits Joe

Hey HEAY we have a Cadillac CTS for our Noon-day, Lunch bunch, uppercut, with me: DJ Double Lunch! It's a car for your EX WIFE!

Transcript[edit]

(In the Radio announcer voice) Hey Hey! Welcome back! You're listening to 98.3 FM, the BEER BELLY! With me! DJ Double Lunch! We're getting you through the noon day lunch bunch crunch munch. Wuh-Oh! It's time for the double up, donkey punch, wham bam thank-you ma'am, midday giveaway! That's right, all you have to do is be the hema-schmegma caller, and you get a pre-owned 2003 Cadillac CTS V6!
---
INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN (To the tune of Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi)

I'm in the pursuit of Cadillacs and I know.
Not every car is going to be bro, but.
I'll be fine with Cateras.
And Touring Coupes.
---
MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR:

(Still in the Radio Announcer voice): I'll tell you what brother, this is not your daddy's Caddy! This is the first year of the CTS, and back then it came only with a V6 in the front. This is the year of its inception. Homer City, 53 degrees. I hope you like shiny chrome wheels, yeah, shiny like your head! But, not the one you think right? Am I right fellas?! (guffawing) Tremont, 48 degrees. The steering wheel has genuine faux wood, hah hah, that's a little TMI! And the stalk has a clicky wheel. Speaking of clicks, log onto 98.3 online at www.bonderdog.donkeypunch.yesmaam.support_our_troops.biz. Flashback to 2003 and Bush was on the campaign trail again and the word 'swiftboat' was popular. The country was torn, and this duality was reflected in the CTS' audio controls. Huge bezels welcome you, to either a tape player (which you don't want), or a CD changer (which is already outdated), because the iPod was released two years prior! 

Gotta check the weather real fast! Mechanicsville, 47 degrees. Summit Station, 51 degrees. Hecla, 47 degrees. Oley, 47 degrees. Whitehall, 47 degrees. Mount Gretna, 47 degrees. Camp Hill, 47 degrees. Tower City, 48 degrees. New Philadelphia, 47 degrees. Lenhartsville, 47 degrees. Frackville, 9! The CTS was built to give GM's top shelf marque a new image. The Cadillac CTS was the automotive equivalent of McDonald's Arch Deluxe, but that was then, and this is WOW!! Look at what you've become. The CTS in 2014 is for faded glory divorced dads on disability who are supplementing their workmen's comp by driving their CTS V6's to Philly international with trunks rattling with three dozen Estee Lauder mascara kids filled with COCAINE! which they will sell to flight attendants. OH! That's it for me today! Keep it here for the afternoon power hour with Fister and Mr. Butthole. 

(In The Voice) OH! TIME FOR MY PRODUCT PLACEMENT! (Exploring the woods of Pennsylvania) Oh man, this descent is going to be really friggin- my health insurance doesn't kick in until January. (Goes down the slope into a vacant porta-john) Trouble with Women, it's a movie, about men. In a gym. Talking about women. (In the dad voice) That's an independent comedy movie, they won some awards. Like these.

(Back to the regular voice) You've done it. This is the end of the RCR road trip. For a child, a road trip is one gigantic "no". But for adults with, people to meet, beers to drink, and cars to review, it can be an adventure. It's the kind of funny...It's kind of funny how a roadtrip gains a child-like wonder for adults that, it doesn't really have for children. Especially today when kids can ignore on their phones or their tablets or their handhelds. Even if you didn't enjoy road trips as a kid, at the very least, the experience brought you to a better understanding of the family car. You formed a bond with it, in much the same way as you form a bond with a family pet, or friend, or the fantasy of dropping off the babysitter and STIFFING HER ON THE TIP. 

Whether it was a Suburban, an Explorer, a used Chrysler 300, or a Town and Country, you got to learn the car in a way, you learn a body of water when you go fishing. The way you learn to read your father's mood, and when you get older, you'll look back on those memories and realize, just how much of him you see in yourself. A good man is like a small town. Quaint, principled, hardworking, and dedicated to the notion that it will all pay off, and maybe it will someday. He's not nobody. 

Which brings us to the city of Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is a lot like the hero's hometown in a JRPG, a place destined to be destroyed by the end of the first boss battle, and there's bridges. Everywhere. It's a network of crossings to redress nowheres, with subtle hints of beauty hidden all along the Eaton Park graveyards. If you're from Pittsburgh, being from Pittsburgh is what defines you. For good or ill, in a lot of ways, Pittsburgh is a Corvette of a town. It breeds fixation and it fosters pride. 

In short, this was the perfect place to review a Cadillac CTS and this was the perfect car to bring our series of road trips to a close. Since this, this car, was the very first car we filmed on the road trip. So thank you for sticking around until we finally got to yours, I know you were really excited, because you were the first person we filmed. Way back in June and we're finally getting to your car now. 

You've worked hard for your CTS. You've come a loooooooong way from being a kid who put so many quarters into Time Crisis. Video Games. You make enough money now that you can comfortably own a Cadillac, without breaking your bank, or your back. And it feels good doesn't it? Hell, it should. Especially after so many years of people telling you how bad you are at your job, all the crap you had to swallow from bosses who didn't get you. You never got to be like those 'other kids', the other ones who got off easy because SHAME IS YOUR PUNISHMENT, and you never got to be like Jenny What's-her-mouth who got the promotion over you because "reasons." 

You had to work. You HAD to work. Ok, maybe you have a bit of an ego, but dammit, you've earned it. Just like you've EARNED everything you have, just like you've EARNED your Cadillac CTS, just like you've EARNED all those pats on the back for a job well done. Because, there is no greater aphrodisiac to a cynic, then the words, "Keep doing what you're doing." 

Pittsburgh. I love you. Keep doing what you're doing. We'll be back.

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