2002 Mercury Sable
|Season||The Early Years|
|Air Date||October 6, 2013|
The Mercury Sable is good for driving to grandma's house were you can go in basement and open the closet that she doesn't want you to open. She says to stay out of the shadows. Grandma says that if you walk in shadows, you will become a "shadow man." The state took her license away last year so you can drive her car. You had to eat Taco Bell for three days straight to fart her smell out of the upholstery.
OPENING NARRATION by MR. REGULAR Toyota had it all wrong. The xB is not the chariot for millennials. This is. --- INTRO SONG: "Cumbersome" by Seven Mary Three I guess the stones are comin' too fast for her now -- MONOLOGUE by MR. REGULAR This is a 2002 Mercury Sable, which is the end of a long tour that changed automotive design for mid-size sedans. You see, some nameplates end with loads of technology and special engines to showcase what is really possible. The Sable and Taurus blew off their retirement party for a mall bench where they can scratch off lottery tickets and scowl at Orientals. The 24 Valve, Dual Overhead Cam Duratec 3-Liter V6 is the engine you want. It won't fight revs, and it runs quietly. THIS Sable does NOT have the Duratec. It has THE VULCAN. The Vulcan is a modern day love letter to Dwight D. Eisenhower and Separate-But-Equal schooling laws. The Vulcan is also a 3 liter V6, but it's an iron block pushrod which filibusters its way through the rev range. This is a Mercury, which means... Okay, here's how it breaks down. You got Lincoln, Mercury, Ford. Car companies assign a wealth hierarchy to different marques. Ford is the parent brand, and you're meant to look at it like Redner's Warehouse Markets. The budget brand for company men. That's the Ford Taurus. Okay, we're at Mercury now. This is the mid-level. Plastic trim on dress panels becomes fake wood grain. Suspension gets softer. Engines don't change, but any hope of a manual transmission disappears. Power seats go from optional to standard, and prices go up. Mercury: that's Giant, or maybe Weis. Lincoln: Ford's luxury brand. Self-leveling air suspension shows up, and you're shopping at Wegman's exclusively now. If you're in the UK, the Ford Mondeo is the Sable's closest relative. You also receive the double overhead cam Duratec engine, you lucky ba- The 4th Generation Sable lost its endearing light bar and all facial recognition that it carried. The rear discs also disappeared too, but no one noticed. The Sable even shared the same platform as the Windstar minivan. But back to the engine. The Vulcan V6 makes 155 HP. Okay, that isn't much, but this isn't a racer. It's designed to drive to Vanity Fair, and then maybe up to Heidelberg Country Club to spend the entire day teeing off with an 8-Iron because, "Oh, I don't want to lose my ball. No, these things are too expensive. I'm not playing Pro Shop prices." So how old is the Vulcan V6? Well this is a 2002 model, and we're well into OBD2 by this point and Windows XP was just released, but at the same time it's an iron block so there's some age. Eh, a solid ten years sounds about right. Alright yeah, I say the Vulcan V6 debuted in 1992. Nope! 1986! And Ford used it until 2008! *sigh* The Vulcan V6 has been in production for 22 years. HEY, IF IT AINT BROKE, DON'T BRBRBRBRBRBRBR MARSHALL TUCKER BAND Iron blocks and pushrods are for airport shuttle buses. And my whitewashed ice cream van. Filled with Mondo and 99 Bananas and GORILLA TAPE. Oh you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. The Vulcan's job isn't done yet. Boomers are fighting a war on two fronts. On one side you've got cataracts, and on the other side you've got their concerned Gen X offspring, who are YOUR parents. Mom and Dad had "The Talk" with Grandma after she played gimbal sticks with Old Country Buffet's parking poles. But good news! No more bumming rides from the drum major in her Eagle Summit! You have your own car now and yeah, you're gonna make that V6 sing. [In-car commentary] Ooo! It doesn't like that! [/In-car commentary] The millenials WILL find this car's pain threshold. The testing will start now. They're going to the dining hall and stealing two trays. You know what this is for. They will decorate the austere interior to match their reduced rate triple dorm rooms. Bring on the Jensen subwoofers. Bring on the amplifiers. Don't replace the rear struts. Don't replace the tires. How far can this car go? Mercury Sable, I salute you. You're charging up San Juan Hill now; I don't know if you're coming back, but Godspeed. Good luck. -- OUTRO: What we need right now is a Super Prophet!