2002 Audi TT Quattro
|Season||The In-Between Days|
|Air Date||November 16, 2015|
So cute. Bubble Butt. Adorable nose. It's OK to like cars like this. It's OK to like pretty things.
"2002 Audi TT Quattro. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN But I can’t stop thinking ‘bout that race, A car named after a motorcycle race, Whoa, I won’t stop! --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR The Audi TT is named after the Isle of Man motorcycle race. A CAR is named after a MOTOR-CYCLE RACE! The only car more mislabeled and patronizing is the Ford F-150 HARLEY DAVIDSON EDITION. Urhlalala let’s get right to the engine. This 8N, if you want to sound cool, is a 1.8 liter transverse four with a turbo and five valves per cylinder, driving all four wheels, which propel a threateningly cute proportional body. Makes 180 horsepower, give or take. And the previous owner did things so who knows how much it’s making now. The TT stops using four wheel ABS-traction-control-ventilated front discs and solid rear discs and electronic brake force distribution. That means it’s a car that’s Sonic in the streets and KNUCKLES IN THE SHEETS! --- *POV DRIVE* Mr. R: Whoop, Stalled it! Oh yeah it’s one of those European things, you have to turn it all the way off and turn it all the way on. Ted: I haven’t stalled it yet, you’re the first one. Mr. R: Wow! --- *Monologue* And this T-square, bilateral AH-Ha HA! BI-lateral symmetry extends to the front air vents which are silhouetted by two BULGES running back to the windshield. The roof exists to make the car look good and the wheels exist to make the car look good and the rear seats exists so Audi can tell Allstate that it’s a four seater family car. --- *POV Drive* Ted: so you can kind of get two short people in, maybe? But the problem is even if my legs fit, my head doesn’t because the back slopes down so much. Mr. R: Oh your head is at.. Ted: my head is hitting the back of the window. --- *Monologue* Audi TT, sponsored by Plenty of Fish users who put the word “childfree” in the first sentence of their profiles. If you showed this car to my dad, he’s gonna go, “that’s not a car, that’s just a toy,” and he’ll say that about anything that’s not a four door sedan or a minivan. “That’s just a toy,” as if small cars designed by folks who care about how the car looks aren’t capable of real work. Ted, the owner of this TT used it to move. He used this car to move from Lancaster Pennsylvania to Portland Oregon. He got all his stuff in this! So don’t tell me small cars can’t be useful. Don’t tell me fun cars can’t be useful. --- *POV* Mr. R: Ppptttt! I’m freaking be helped! Ted: Take it easy man, it’s got… Mr. R: That’s the AWD! Ted: it’s AWD and also it’s got a real short clutch, so if you’re used to a clutch that doesn’t engage until you’re out there, Mr. R: yeah? Ted: it’ll pop on all this right away. Mr. R: ohh, more revs Ted: So just give it a little bit more gas, yeah. Mr. R: Man! Stall a car twice! Out of all the things to stall! Why couldn’t I b—like people would, people would have made a point if I would have stalled that uh, that 3rd gen Supra with the 1JZ and the twin clutch, you know the comp clutch? They’ll be like “okay, that’s sort of the semi-racing setup, I can forgive you stalled,” but freaking stalling an Audi TT. --- *Monologue* The Audi TT is a derivative car but there’s really no reason that derivative needs to be a four letter word. The TT is based on the Volkswagen group A4, or PQ34 platform, which is shared by the Volkswagen Golf Mark 4 and the Audi A3, so this is a car with pedigree behind it although it’s up to you to decide what that pedigree is worth, whether or not the term derivative is a bad word or not depends mostly on what you get out of its lineage since Audi has faced plenty of issues related to this car. In 2007 there was a class action lawsuit that zeroed in on the first generation models. The 1.8 liter turbocharged engine and the timing belts failed unexpectedly, at least that’s what the lawsuit alleged at the time, but it didn’t stop with the first gen TT. The lawsuit extended to the A4 and the Passat over the course of the year. In short the brand was taking more black eyes than it had eyeballs to blacken, and it got worse the following year when another lawsuit accused Audi and Volkswagen of installing failed instrumental clusters in its 2000 to 2005 Audi TT’s. --- *POV* Ted: So there’s a little story here, so these buttons I mentioned if you push on them real hard they sink back into the dash, so when the guy sold me the car he had another TT dash in his garage and he said, “hey just take this part, uh out of there and you can use the bracket to replace it, so we pulled this out and I’m looking at it, and I’m like “well these are all mounted inside this very sturdy plastic enclosure, that if this was screwed into the dash, you’re not, that’s not going anywhere. Mr. R: yeah. Ted: So I couldn’t figure out why these were caving in, so I pulled the radio out and looked in there, and apparently each one of these modules, is a separate piece in there, and there’s no bracket, so this must be the dash mount for a newer model TT, and the older model TT’s don’t have this big piece in here so these things have a tendency to collapse. --- *Monologue* Both cases were settled, but the reputation of the brand had already been stained like skid marks on a pair of tidy whiteys. Sure, they weren’t going to stay white forever but no one was expecting a brown ass-quake in those Fruit-of-the-Looms. A PILL THAT HAS A TASTE IS A PILL YOU KNOW IS GOING TO WORK! --- *POV* Mr. R: OHHHHHHH! Ted: I have not stalled this thing once. I guess I’m just a gentler driver. --- *Monologue* Here’s some truth for your ass. There are 600 million passenger cars in the world, which levels out to one for every 11 people. Can we really afford to be snobs in a world like this? Is automotive purism practiced at the expense of simply appreciating a car for what it is? I don’t know but I feel like it’s a debate worth exploring. Car culture has improved by leaps and bounds over the years, roping in casuals and making enthusiasts out of newbies, but sometimes the attitude stretches too far, to the point where nothing is good enough and we can’t let that position take us, because then, well what’s the point? Here’s more on caring about how the car looks. Even though some of the interior parts are Volkswagen parts bin, and we’re supposed to turn our nose up at that, they’re all in the right spots. They give nonstop symmetry. Yes, this belongs here and this belongs here and this works here. --- *POV* Mr. R: I know, I’m used to my abuse-able Honda gearbox. Seriously, what is up with this, haha! --- *Monologue* Here’s something personal. I hear other guys, or other men, depending on what you want to put the maturity level at, I hear other guys say “y’know, those Audi TT’s, they’re pretty interesting cars…ahh I think I’ll just get the Camaro. I like the Camaro, yeah,” and what you just heard is code for: “I want an Audi TT because I like how it looks but the car isn’t masculine enough, with its cute nose and bubbled butt, and w-- I secretly love all those things, but I drink at the Hosey and if I buy this car that I really want, they’re all going to laugh at me. And that reminds me of another story… *real fart* And that reminds me of another story. My buddy was telling me this story of this guy who showed up at work one day with a pink lunch pail, and this family man went to every single of his male coworkers and explained, “look, I just want you to understand that, couldn’t find my lunch pail, this isn’t mine, this is my wife’s, she’s just let…I just want to know… this isn’t mine and I just have to use it for today,” and he went to every, single male coworker, even ones he don’t, he doesn’t talk to all that much, and explained his situation. Think about that. Think about the guys who want something pretty. It’s okay to like pretty things. Not everything has to be aggressive, and the men who buy Audi TT’s, are the men who are confident enough to go for what they want, for what they enjoy. An Audi TT is for the man who confidently buys a body groom and says, “I am going to use this ball shaver to shave my balls and my cock, not for anybody else, but for me.” First generation Audi TT, you’ll only get so many laps around the sun, so buy the car you really want. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN I will buy this car, Despite its reputation it gets far, Cute nose and a butt for daze, But I can’t stop thking ‘bout that race, The car named after a motorcycle race Whoa, I won’t stop ‘til I open my garage door, Drove you once out one more...