2001 Honda Odyssey
|Air Date||March 31, 2014|
The Honda Odyssey is the pine box that houses the corpse of The Single Life. Its a Daycare-DeLorean that can't go back in time and spread Amazing Goop on that broken condom.
NNNGH I'M DRIVING ANGRILY TO MY EX-GAY THERAPY GROUP! *Odyssey swerving violently* --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of (???) Get in my Odyssey, I swear we use protection, It is '43, At least in my erection. Keep it slow, Increase your father distance, I've got kids in the back, I get them on the weekend. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR The Honda Odyssey was birthed from the economic crisis of the early 1990s, which was filled with problems that resulted in a minivan of minimalist design. A compact MPV class that was more popular in Japan in its first generation than it was in North America. It wasn't until Honda built a plant in Lincoln, Alabama allowing for the manufacture of larger MPV class models that the Odyssey took off in America. This is presumably because we yanks lack a certain discipline where procreation is concerned. So we needed a minivan for shuttling our kids to ball practice or Easter Egg hunts or whatever it is kids do now that requires THE INVOLVEMENT OF MY LAWN! Between 1999 and 2004 the larger North American Odyssey was offered in Japan as the LaGreat, which translates in Latin as 'he cries', which is likely the reaction to hearing those five little words that will compel an otherwise sane man to purchase this daycare DeLorean of suburban domesticity: "Honey, I think I'm pregnant". The Honda Odyssey is essentially Planned Parenthood on wheels, an introduction into suburbia and Facebook ultrasound pictures and engagement announcements and which subtext is "I've settled! The wedding is in June, save the date!". You see, when a man and a woman retire to the bedroom to bump unfortunates, one of the possible results is that you'll end up acquiring this oversized Wegmans wagon, with its generous interior space, its wide cabin and a foldaway third row of seats for fitting even more groceries and neighborhood children. The Honda Odyssey is the official car of middle-class malaise and the vast chasm of disappointment between expectations and reality, because this is what happens when you lock crotches without putting a hat on it, you'll find yourself in a minivan that goes through transmissions faster than Larry King goes through wives. This is the pine box that houses the shriveled corpse of the single life. It's the vehicle driven by the mother hen of the group, you know, that one woman who announces: "We all came together and we're all. leaving. together." Honda Odyssey, sponsored by Easter Egg photos at Sears Portrait Studios. The Honda Odyssey runs on an inline-four borrowed from the Accord EX, with VTEC variable valve timing and lift it made about 140 hp, which is fairly impressive given its size and layout and the task it was required to do, haul a minivan around. And that was just in its earlier generations. Most Odysseys of the modern era are powered by a 248-horsepower 3.5-liter V6 with five trim levels: LX, EX and EXL, Touring and Touring Elite. The LX, EX and EXL models came with 5-speed automatic transmissions, while the Touring and the Touring Elite models were fitted by 6-speeds, for better fuel economy and acceleration. Yet, while this sounds varied enough, Honda has been fielding complaints about its transmissions for ages. It's not just the transmissions simply fail altogether, but that they're really freaking expensive! It doesn't matter if you're swapping the transmission yourself, it's either time or money and this is a prob. Worse, if you're buying used and you're relying on CARFAX for a detailed repair history, the report may not admit the transmission problems and repairs unless those repairs were done by Honda directly. It got so bad that Honda owners had to protest until the company started offering free transmission repairs, since the 3rd gear would pop out on its own and grind uncontrollably. Hell, they're still not out of the water, even while I'm recording this, Honda is issuing a recall on 900,000 Odysseys from 2005 to 2010 due to a possible fire hazard involving the cover of the fuel strainer at the top of the gas tank. This little strainer can, in certain conditions, crack and lead to a fuel leak. Honda Odyssey, the car that inaugurates the death of your social life, and now possibly your entire life. The Honda Odyssey is John List before he pulled the trigger. The Honda Odyssey, the car for the guy who grew up picking Toad in Mario Kart because no one else would. This Odyssey here is from 2001, which makes it a second-generation model, which is a holdover from the first generation except now it was producing 210 hp. The automatic column shifter was moved to the center console, presumably for simplicity's sake, although it's hard to tell with such a cluttered cockpit which is covered in more buttons of questionable function than a scientific calculator, but I guess this didn't really bug critics, because the second-generation Odyssey won Editor's Most Wanted from Edmunds for every year from 1999 to 2003, in every minivan category! I mean, I don't even know what to say to that! Even in its heyday, the Odyssey looked like an airport rental. This is the official car of people who feel bad going to Walmart, so they bite the bullet, pay a little more and go to Target, but they completely ignore the mom and pop stores that could have used their business. The purchase of an Odyssey signifies the official point in your life at which blow jobs become something that is strictly for birthdays and even then only begrudgingly. Honda Odyssey, sponsored by pregnancy cravings in the eventual late night trip to store for apple butter and pretzels from Snyder's of Hanover. So the next time you're thinking of blocking crotches with that OK-looking barfly from Conshohocken, just remember this simple mantra: A TUG AND A SNOOZE, YOU CAN'T LOSE. Spill it on the ground and save the kids for a day when you can plan ahead, maybe save up and afford something else. Anything else. A TUG AND A SNOOZE, YOU CAN'T LOSE. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of 'That's Life' by Frank Sinatra That's life, That's what all the people say, Driving a Fit in April, And an Odyssey in May, But I know I'm gonna change that too, On the RCR road trip in June. -- POV DRIVE Mr. Regular: What was, what was the first car that you bought for yourself that wasn't like, mom bought your car and... Owner: A '91 notchback Mustang. Yeah it's had a hundred shots of nitrous- Mr. Regular: What?