2000 Ford Crown Victoria P-71 Police Interceptor
|Model||Crown Victoria P71 Police Interceptor|
|Season||The Southern Stab|
|Air Date||September 7, 2015|
I'm a community enforcement volunteer! I make a scene at every town hall meeting. I own three Police Interceptors, all bought for under $2,000. I load up a Glock 17, drop my pants, and take aim at my front door from my kitchen table. With the power of imagination, I defend my home again and again and again and again.
[AUDIO FADE IN, MR. REGULAR:] Oh! Look at you! You bought yourself a police car! Ooh! --- INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN Pre- --- [MR REGULAR, MOCKING TONE:] I’m so fricking impre-Uh, oh, looks like the police are behind me! Ehh! [NORMAL TONE:] Why did you do it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know they’re real cheap! [MOCKING TONE:] Yeah, I’m a police officer at less than $2000! [NORMAL TONE:] There’s only one reason why you buy the P71 Interceptor – it’s because you want to look like a cop! it’s because you want to look like a cop! it’s because you want to look like a cop! it’s because you want to look like a cop! You wanna look like a cop! You like it, you like it, you like it, you like it, you like it! [MOCKING TONE:] Oh no, I see, no you see it’s a really nice car, and they really built them well! [NORMAL TONE:] If it wasn’t such a nice car, you would have bought the Town Car! That’s what you would have bought! You would have bought the Town Car because it’s more comfortable, you get airbag suspension – yes, yes, they’re quick. Quick-ish. You know, forget everything about The Blues Brothers, it’s not a magical car – oh, “cop engine, cop shocks” – there’s hardly any difference between this, this Panther body, and the civilian version. In fact, this car handles worse, because it’s like an inch or two higher! They build cop cars an inch or two higher, so you can drive over kerbs and not hit the oil pan. Ohh, P71 Crown Vic Interceptor! Yeah, this is for the guy who open-carries at his cousin’s Bar Mitzvah! [MOCKING TONE:] Oh, I drive a puh-I drive a Police Interceptor, I’m a Community Enforcement Volunteer! Look at me, I bought three CB antennas and I put them on the back! Agh! People think I’m a cop, heh, heh! When I wal-when I drive, everybody slows down down, I (indistinguishable), I love myself, (indistinguishable) this is the only way I feel like a man! I drive a P71! Oh, and when I drive a P71 Interceptor, I wear dark clothes and I wear sunglasses – people think I’m a cop! People think I’m a cop! People think I’m a cop! --- INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN Pretend- --- [MR REGULAR, NORMAL TONE:] Yeah, I’m getting to the car review, but I got more grievances. Crown Victoria Police Interceptor – the official car of open-carrying when you drop your daughter off at daycare. P71 – the official car printing out that Thin Blue Line sticker, and putting it right at eye level, so if you ever get pulled over, the cop has no chance (sic) but to look at it. Same goes for F.O.P. stickers. No, I drive a P71 because it’s a (indistinguishable) piece of…you’re driving it because cops drive it! If police drove, say, Mercedes 190s, that’s what you’d be buying! If police drove Dodge Caravans, that’s what you’d be buying! If police drove Jeep Grand Cherokees, that’s what you’d be buying! It’s all wrapped up in authority, and that’s what the P71 is all about – it’s about putting on the dress of authority! OH, JUST GRABBING YOUR JUNK, AND JERKING OFF TO AUTHORITY, BECAUSE AUTHORITY GETS YOU HARD FOR SOME REASON! But I will concede, that this car works in Fairfax, Virginia, because Fairfax, Virginia lies within the sort-of beltway of D.C., where all the avarists, and all the ambition, and all the greed just circulates and chums like a slime and it’s everywhere, and driving- when we were driving the Phaeton around this area, people were just cutting us off, getting in the way, but, when we were driving the P71, mmm, people gave us a wide berth, so I will- here’s a loophole: if you live in an area that’s so messed up like D.C., where people only respect power because everyone’s lusting for it, and that’s the only thing people in D.C. understand, especially in driving, you have to play the game. So if you want to commute, like this owner with a P71, this is the only way to get where you’re going, and not be effed with. Anyway, onto the review! --- INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN, to the tune of ‘My Hero’, Foo Fighters Pretend police, I’m blinding you from orbit, With my spotlight, I swear I didn’t get this at a police auction. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR Welcome to the police state, also known as the D.C. Metro Area where tailgating is a past-time. This bad boy has a 4.6 litre V8, column shifts, steel brake lines, dual exhausts, and the feeling of pulling into a hotel with no lobby. Pull your pants up high, shine your flashlight, and whip out your ticket because clout is a currency, and if you can’t use it to make your life better, you can sure as hell use it to make other’s lives worse. And this car’s transmission? The 4R70W, which is a revised version of what? The Ford AOD. Some call it archaic, I call it durable. The P71 has been used as a cop car since time and memorial, and for a damn good reason – it’s got that authoritative shape. Its presence is known no matter who you are, like a male lion on the plains. It’s a look that supersedes language barriers – see this thing rolling your way, and you’re well and truly boned. But even if you’re not an officer of the law, the P71 still has practical advantages that other cars don’t give you. It’s a big winner in the perception department for one – Keaton, the owner, previously owned a ’97 Grand Cherokee, but he’d get all sorts of road douches giving him the business. Not so with the P71 – once he bought this double-fisting son-of-a-whore, he didn’t get people messing with him anymore. Nobody dared. Because even when up close, you can’t know for sure – is he a cop? Is he deep cover? Is he three days from retirement? They can’t know, and that scares them. It’s reverence by way of abject fear. Let’s talk about the interior: this came without a centre console, so Keaton added one from a Jeep. It’s got the standard spotlight, along with stab-proof front seats and police power accessories. For instance, underneath the carpet on the passenger sides are switches for always-on power and switch power, so you don’t have to wire anything. Keaton isn’t even sure what purpose this car served for law enforcement, since all of that is classified. We’ll never know the specifics. We’ll never know who’s lives essentially came to an end when they were put in the back of this car, or how many kids were freaking out about having to use their one phone call to let their dad know they've disappointed him, for now, and forever. Lives that were categorised by everything from careless drunken joyrides to casual marijuana use found their come-to-Jesus moment in the back of this car. There is an awesome power to sitting in these seats, fully weighted by the knowledge of what began and ended here. [JUDGE DREDD VOICE:] Late at night, in my P71, I patrol these mean streets. I bury myself deep within the dark of this city and their condom-filled gutters and freeways overlooking the river choked with dead, swollen fish, and other things crying out for justice. And that’s what I serve them – a tall glass of ‘I Told You So’. [TEXT: Other details:] [NORMAL VOICE:] Other details, let’s see: the trunk release is in the centre of the dash, so either partner can, in an emergency, open the trunk to where the serious hardware lies; The speedometer goes up to 140 instead of the standard 120; it has a black grille instead of chrome; and it has a 355 rear end, which is the DK axle code. All the quick acceleration the P71 is known for, all it comes down to is the 355 rear end. The Ford Police Interceptor – sponsored by Catholic shaming and bars that only serve law enforcement. Bars that charge them only by the price of the story about whatever happened to them that day. This car inspires an inflated feeling of authority akin to gun ownership, except without the waiting period or pesky background checks. It’s also got classic seatbelts, the definitive clicking metal kind, the kind you can only find in a hot topic in the novelty belt buckle section. When you have a Crown Vic…when you have a Crown Vic Police Interceptor, all you need are aviators; a brown ale gut; and a Dunkin Donuts app on your phone, and you’ve got yourself the amateur Judge Dredd starter kit. [JUDGE DREDD VOICE:] D.C. Metro Area. Six million people living in the ruin of the Romanticist movement and the power structures of Post-Modernism - only one thing fighting for order in the chaos. --- OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN, to the tune of ‘Karma Police’, Radiohead Have you been drinking, sir, step out the car, step out the car, What do you mean, you want to see my badge, you know what, just go…yeah, I’m gonna let you off with a warning this time.