1998 Volkswagen Jetta Wolfsburg Edition
|Model||Jetta Wolfsburg Edition|
|Air Date||February 24, 2014|
Hated by Mr. Regular, loved by The Roman. The VW Jetta is a 1990's box of contradictions.
MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR I hate you. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN Handles like double penetration DP, but it doesn't spill that oil, BP. Why did we pick this car, easy we need another regular car after the C3. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR Samuel Clemens tasted less of his own bile when witnessing the inhuman exploitation of the reconstruction than I TASTE WHEN LOOKING AT THIS REVOLTING EXAMPLE OF AUTOMOTIVE ABUSE. Legions of angels sobbed in the hereafter when Volkswagen poured what would become interstate 81's crown prince of all left lane bandits. A VW Jetta is a brunette girlfriend folding her arms and saying NO. And this, is the Wolfsburg Edition. Jetta Wolfsburg a dog eared rounded rectangle, hood winking hyper aggressive lacrosse players into thinking their car was built in Wolfsburg Deutschland. MEXICO. UUUGHHH How do you turn this car ON? SO NINETIES UUGGHH, THIS IS WHAT I NEED WHERE DOES THIS GO, HERE, HERE. *handling a Sega Genesis controller* THAT'S GOOD, START, START, START. Nnnnn, forward forward A, forward forward A, forward forward A, forward forward one, forward forward A. Nnnnn I NEED THE STRATEGY GUIDE. The Volkswagen Jetta is my most hated car. Everyone needs enemies in their life. It's healthy. You need a good villain, an arch enemy. Something or someone onto which you can unload all of your malice. My enemy, my most hated car is the Volkswagen Jetta. I don't even have a good reason for hating it. BUT I HATE YOU. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. Oh the turbo-diesel, nah is neutral in my book. But all petrol Jettas I hope you send your owners cartwheeling into a ravine. And when the medivac lands the helicopter pilot just rapes the unconcious driver instead of taking them to Lehigh Valley. Ooh Look at your headlights. Ooh your so pleased with yourself. Ooh your taillights so square and perfect. Ooh your precious little wheels all alloy. Look at you four wheel disc brakes, self assured rear wing. Your entire dash is dark and bespoke. Oooh you've got white gauges. OOOH YOU THINK YOU'RE SO NICE. And your gettin' it done sunroof. I'll bet, Jesus loves you. You never had problems did you. YOU NEVER HAD PROBLEMS. I CAN'T GET OFF WITHOUT A CHICAGO ELECTRIC IMPACT GUN. BUT This is all my opinion. The Roman has a different opinion. He experienced the Jetta differently and this is his take on it. Not everyone had a Jetta as their first car. Some people had Geo Metros or Plymouth Colts or maybe hand-me-down Subarus. Like the old Imprezza your aunt used to drive before the alimony cheque cleared. But there's just something about nostalgia that how the brain fires off a memory that might not have ever been there in the first place. Because how could you think of the term 'Your First Car' and NOT think of a Jetta. I mean look at it, it's positively spartan in its design. Like ramen noodles, five dollar matinees and Natty Ice. It's just simple. But there's a reason for that. Simplicity works. Running on a 2L four banger five speed manual it's the utilitarian vehicle that gets you from point A to point B, while offering fluid handling and pretty great fuel economy. The suspension makes for a bouncier ride but the manual shifts intuitively. But of course none of this means the car doesn't have issues. The mid 1990s Jettas often suffered from electrical problems due to a small opening underneath the wind shield that was intended to redirect rainwater away from the electrical box. But even with its design flaws a lot of these are still solid cars because of the glorious fuel economy. With the US drivers getting, I dunno about these numbers but alright. 41 miles per gallon city and are really some of these people making 49 highway. That has to be the diesel one, that has to be diesel one getting those numbers. This is the chariot that serves at the pleasure of the undergraduate nine to fiver from Whitehall township. It's a car for people who like to drive, but don't like it so much they're going to break the bank and do it in style. It's the official car of doing it yourself. Driving a Jetta is deciding you know what, let's close all these Pornhub tabs I'm getting done with imagination tonight. History Time. The Volkswagen used to have a Golf hatchback called the Rabbit. But the Rabbit didn't sell all that well in America, because if you're going to sell a car in America with an animal name it better not be an animal with a small dick that goes great in stew with shallots and celery. American naming preferences when it comes to animal cars go one of three ways. It could be either be an animal that could kill me, an animal that could be branded or shoed or it should be a synonym for something I CAN BANG. Sure you have your bug exceptions or your birds. But by in large Americans like brand names that reinforce the notion of American exceptionalism. We're virtue, we're potent, and capable of searing a small nation with the contents of this 4 inch square of CHARMIN BASIC. Where was I? But Volkswagen quickly realised there was a bigger problem than the car having a name that only soccer moms and John Updike would approve of. The Golf hatchbacks just weren't getting it done. The Rabbit did ok at first but consumers quickly tossed it aside like a jerk off sock for the crispy pile. As Volkswagen inevitability learned, their target audience for the Rabbit was the same market that preferred the aesthetic of the more traditional sedan. With its spacious interior and its non-threatening I make my hot coco with Ovaltine appearance. So they fixed the problem by simply adding a wider rear end to the thing and renaming it, the Jetta. And by its second generation the Jetta was Volskwagens best selling car in the US. By 1998 it was a cultural mainstay. Hell by this point it had a role. It had dropped its original generic box shape and displayed a curvier design. It wasn't about to model for Layne Bryant or anything like that but it certainly had a more rounded appearance than before. Aerodynamics were improved with the induction of a fastback style sloping rear window. And it's endured ever since. I mean just seeing a Jetta within a modern cultural context is a reminder that there's history before your memory. History of fast cars, first jobs, first girlfriends and first gaming consoles. How could you sit in this thing and not think about youth. Of beginnings, about that day where you drove yourself to school instead of taking the bus or getting dropped off. But is this real am I caught in a flashback, is this some sort of dream within a dream. Is that top still spinning?