1998 BMW 740il
|Air Date||March 3, 2014|
BMW 740il: The official car of "making a few phone calls to sort this out." In 1998, BMW's luxury cars were not trying to be "sporty" as so many big German cars do today. If you drive a 740, you are driving a stock portfolio that had buried more workers than the Hoover Dam.
1998 BMW 740il. -- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN to the tune of 'Heaven' by Bryan Adams Baby you're all that I want, In a BMW form, I'm finding it hard to believe, You're Series 7... -- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR In 1998, this car was $70,000. What is a 7-Series? In 1998, a BMW 7-Series was for someone who didn't need to explain their influence or their ability to buy a county's worth of mom and pop video stores. A non-VANOS BMW is for driving straight past Hollywood Casino and those dog tracks because you're too smart to be joining bourgeoisie and their depressing reindeer games. Nope! You're heading straight for Boathouse Row. And you're gonna have conversations with people who have Warren Buffett and Zig Ziglar's personal phone numbers on their Nokia bricks. Your money is working toward the long term and your car reflects this. Here's the deal with the 7-Series, I mean, maybe you know this already. FEAR. A 7-SERIES IS FEAR INCARNATE. A 7-Series' driver can cancel your project, revoke your mortgage, raise your insurance and reduce your benefits. Or higher you, pick up the check, upgrade you to first class with just a bundle of words. A 7-Series' driver shakes your hand and greets you with an unironic "Hello, Old sport!" and you love them for it. A 7-Series' driver can invite you to A GREASY THREESOME IN HIS CABIN IN THE POCONOS, and you won't feel weird about it! BMW 7-Series, the lady or the tiger of cars. Here's what the 'il' stands for. 'i' stands for INVESTMENTS and the 'l' stands for 'Long' or 'Long body'. This model of the 740, or the 740il, is stretched to give the rear seats more room, and only the rear seats more room. You even get St. Mark's kneelers down there. No one called shotgun walking towards the il model because you're gonna be comfortable no matter where you sit. Most modern cars of 2014 have heated seats, I mean that's no big deal, I mean even low-market cars will have heated seats, and most modern cars you have there, there's a little switch with 'low' or 'high', you get heated seats but uuuh, the 740il in 1998 had heated seats, too. Again no biggie, even the Outback Sports had heated seats, but the 740il has something that even mid- and upper-tier cars don't have. The heated seats are controlled by a dial. You can infinitely adjust the heated seats up and down, in '98! The young man who bought this 740il bought it for around $8,000, I'm sorry I don't remember the actual price and I think, if I remember correctly, you're into this car about $20,000. I know that it seems like a lot for a 1998 car, but bear in mind you're driving around in a twenty-thousand-dollar-seventy-thousand-dollar car. But to keep a seventy-thousand-twenty-thousand-dollar-seventy-thousand-dollar car going, you're gonna have bills that look like this, and this, and this, and this... sigh. What do these doors do? But it's worth it. It's so worth it to have a 7-Series from the late '90s, 'cause look at this thing. Look at the way this car approaches you. I mean, you see a 7-Series coming and you get, you get this sinking feeling in your gut that you haven't felt since the time the principal walked into the classroom, motioned to your teacher, and your teacher gets up and goes over the door and talks to the principal and they're talking for a little bit and you can't hear what they're saying and they stop talking and then they look at you and then they go back to talking? That. That [whisper] "What's happening?" [/whisper] feeling is what a 7-Series does to you. Oh man, here comes a 7-Series, oh it's coming, oh it's slowing down, oh no it's slowing down what did I do, what did I do, what did I do? The 740il is propelled by a four-point-something, not quite sure, not really 5-liter V8 making 'sufficient horsepower'. I mean, no one cares about this non-VANOS V8 because it's not the 12-cylinder. The 12-cylinder is the final step for the 7-Series. HERE'S WHERE I KEEP MY AFTERBIRTH COLLECTION. I WANT A 7-SERIES SO I MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION WHEN I ROLL UP TO THE GATHERING OF THE GARGOYLES. I WEAR A TRENCH COAT AND TINY EYEGLASSES FROM ISLAND OPTICAL! I KEEP A CHRISTIAN SINGLE'S MINGLE PAGE FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS. -- POV DRIVE The Roman: It's like every review gets exponentially more Pennsylvanian, yeah like... Owner: I like that about it! I feel that's a bit of sense of place in this little town. TR: With references to Wegmans' Bosco and Wawa and the Northeast Extension... O: Shore finds and Turkey Hill and... what was the other one? The reference to Park City, that's why I was just like "Where the hell are these guys from?" Mr. Regular: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la still going straight...