1997 Dodge Ram 1500

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1997 Dodge Ram 1500
RCR Dodge Ram 1500 Thumb.png
Car Details
Make Dodge
Model Ram 1500
Year 1997
Owner payedinfull (YouTube)
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season The Early Years
Air Date November 3, 2013
Transcript
Credits Giacomo

Chrysler created the best pickup truck of the 90's by building a Tonka Truck instead of a complainant work vehicle. This 4 or 6 wheeled masculine-dicto-simpliciter also changed the line-up of every manufacturer forever. The new Dodge Ram de-throned the luxury four-door sedan as the King of the Car Lot. In the 1990's, trucks became premium vehicles.

The Dodge Ram also cemented the idea that a truck must look like a synthol-pumped, penis-panicking, club-brawler.

I got the tow/cargo ratings all wrong in the Dodge Ram video. Sorry about that. As a peace offering, please accept this novelty Johnny-Cash-style song written and performed by a friend of mine. Three people are murdered in the song. The song is called: "Wodega."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8u0Y5Nm8In8

Transcript[edit]

1997 Dodge Ram 1500. The restyled Dodge Ram is courtroom proof that the age of the honest pickup truck has truly past.

--

INTRO SONG: "Dog Eat Dog" by The Toasters

--

MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR

What does 1500 mean? No one really explains this. 1500 is the amount of pounds that the trucks can carry and tow. So, Dodge Ram 1500 can carry 1,500 pounds either all in the bed or all in the trailer plus its cargo or a combination of the two. Ford did the exact same thing, they just locked off the last zero. Ford F-150: that means a Ford F-150 can carry 1,500 pounds. Ford F-250: 2,500 pounds. Ford F-350... you get the idea.

But back to the design of the Dodge Ram. It would be a hard task to convince even the most willing survivalists of the demise of functionality-only pickups by preaching from the bed of this Ram. See, 1997 was the last anticipating dot-com upward thrust, before the entire Dow Jones CAME LONG AND HARD for the following two years, and anybody with a tingling portfolio was too busy buying second homes to listen to time travelers and open-cab pickups. With all the inexperienced cyberspace money flying around in the mid-'90s, the Ram fit right in. It's a monument to excess and handles like first-time sexual encounters. That's not the focus of the Ram, no no no.

Dodge knew its future audience. See, in a previous decade, in the '80s, pickup trucks were driven by 1 of 3 demographics farmers, construction trades or scrappers. Yeah, sure there were mini trucks, and they existed and there was some customization going on in Laneco's parking lot and yeah, GMC made that turbocharged curiosity, but in the eyes of adolescents, a truck was a square thing which rattled and smelled like a gym bag. Riding in the bed was more fun than running in the cab.

But oh... Oh the Ram... Oh, the new Dodge Ram, that was different. It was bulgy, mmmmh... and Rumble-Fish aggressive. It was forever pulsing with testosterone, and masculine Van Damme assurance, qualities that a preteen male hungrily absorbs and regurgitates out into the world because, Heaven forbid, someone might think you're weak for one-eighth of a second.

Manual transmission hooked up the big V8 engines, or Hallmarks of American misunderstanding. We yanks privilege 3-inch lifts and center consoles big enough to support a Toshiba laptop and anti-lock brakes only for the rear wheels, regardless of the impact on functionality.

Look at this Ram's face. The raised grille and the bi-level hood created a snearing or growling mouth, which modern trucks now duplicate. Look at it, Ford Raptor. NNNNGH, YEAH! GMC NNNNNNGH. FORD F-250 NNNNGH [random grunting]. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? NNNGH MASCULINITY DOESN'T NEED WORDS. IT IS SYMBOLS, SIGNS, SIGNIFIERS, PLACEHOLDERS, IT'S READING "FIELD & STREAM" WITH AN ENIGMA MACHINE SO YOU CAN FIND THE TIME AND DATE FOR NEXT MONTH'S OVER-50 J O AND CHILI COOK-OFF. OH YEAH, IT'S BOWHUNTERS. I'M MAKING OUT IN TREE STANDS. I AM EVERYTHING THAT IS MALE.

It's JC Whitney projector headlights. It's for people who desire mods, but whose toolbox is a drippy Keurig cartridge cup holding only one mini Phillips screwdriver.

*yawns* the engine doesn't matter. It's big and pulls, and when it makes noise you advance forward. You see, the Ram isn't about numbers, it's about looks. It's the DeLorean of pickup trucks, it's presence, it's eyeballs. Yeah it's for work, but also for getting looked at. Dodge aimed for middle-school kids.The Dodge Ram speaks to that scared, little boy in all of us that is afraid we're not strong. That's what the Dodge Ram did. The F-150 is a better truck. Chevy Silverado? Better truck. But the Dodge Ram sold, it poked to that little fear nugget in your brain.

NNNNGH FIRST DAY OF BUCK.

References[edit]