1994 Lincoln Town Car
|Owner||Mr. Regular's Grandma|
|Season||The Early Years|
|Air Date||August 18, 2013|
Photos of NYC Taxies are copyright and credited to Noah Noahforman (@nyctaxiphoto).
Volvos do last a long time, but Town Cars last longer and take twice the abuse. Speaking of abuse...You're listening to "The Beer Belly" on 98.3FM! The non-stop rockin' rock plop cock-block station for all of The Commonwealth! We're broadcasting from The Automile! Come on down and enter to win a Lincoln Town Car! Feeling lucky pucky? Well go for the Double Brown-Down and shoot for the official Beer Belly "Mouth Hole." You're listing to the Mid-Day Bathroom-Break with me: DJ Double-Lunch.
I have AIDS!
[Intro by Mr. Regular, read in an excited "radio DJ" voice] Hey hey! Welcome back to 98.3 FM, the BEER BELLY. We've got Hawaiian shirts, Bud Light in a beer coozie, "Cheeseburger in Paradise" coming up at the top of the hour, and we're giving away a Lincoln TOWN CAR! [Intro Song: "What Are Friends For?" by Reel Big Fish.] -- MONOLOGUE by RADIO DJ VOICE Hey, we'll get you back to the music in a moment, but this is simultaneously the greatest and the most ridiculous vehicle ever made by my countrymen! [FART NOISE] Aw, I see you back there! [Buick Grand National creeps up from off screen] Get back there! Second place! Ohhhhh! We'll get back to the music in a moment but the year is 1994. Hair metal is officially dead, we elected a saxophonist president (HEH HEH HAH HEH), we had Windows 3.1, Desert Storm was a rousing success, and Super Metroid was released. And in every arcade: [Daytona USA screen]. Yeah, Ace of Base Super Set coming up at the bottom of the hour! BOTTOM OF THE HOUR. As a nation we were feeling pretty pleased with ourselves, and there was no reason to hide behind "green" and "wind power" [FART NOISE captioned "I've got your wind power right here!"]! See, the Lincoln Town Car makes no apologies for its size. It's John Popper before the stomach staple! He's going back to Ponderosa Buffet for the fourth time, because he can! Drop trou and get some sloppy seconds, because the Town Car will tell you right on the dash how much fuel you're wasting! Oh brother, this thing is huge! You can lay in the trunk and stretch your feet all the way out! JUNK IN THE TRUNK! Oh ho, what's this? A tape player! Special Request! Crank it up, it's the Kinks! [Song: "Do It Again" by The Kinks] The driver's seat has more controls than a Hypercube! And passengers in the back have their own cigarette lighters: one for you, and one for two! You get a glovebox! And you get a glovebox! And you get a glovebox! And you get a glovebox! And you get a glovebo- Here's the heart! It's a 4.7 liter Modular V8 overhead camshaft! Ooooo, overhead cams! No more pushrods! BIG valve covers, BIG ignition coils, oversized brake reservoir! It's got a massive ducted fan breathing on a radiator the size of Veteran Stadium. Load up on D-Cell batteries and get ready to boo Santa! And all this American engineering gets you is [slips into normal Mr. Regular Voice] 210 horsepower. [HOOD SLAM] -- MONOLOGUE by MR. REGULAR That's it. That's it? No, that's it. Just 210. A '94 Evo 1 will make 240 horsepower out of a 2 liter 4-cylinder with a hairdryer. That's the point, kid. A Town Car spends its entire life barely cracking 2100 RPM. All you holier-than-thou Volvo owners in Ithica boast that your 240 has gone 300,000 miles. So? This body-on-frame boat will go 100 grand further than that. It's all down to a DE-tuned engine. Oh sure, the Modular V8 could make more; there's plenty of room for tuning. But 210 horsepower, that adequate. That's enough. See, this engine is like Larry Bird. He's out loping around the court while you're spinning your wheels, and then he's gonna outwork your entire D at the buzzer. While your Swedish brick is out there banging and rattling around the hills, this Lincoln runs quietly and noiselessly, cradling you in serene comfort. ["Stars and Stripes Forever" slowly fades into the background.] So! Mr. Britain. I love your music, I love your MG's, and I now love your chocolate biscuits. So visit, please! As much as you complain, and as much as you boast, and as much as you make fun of our big engines that don't make a lot of power... you secretly love every minute of it. You may hate our culture, but you watched Avengers twice. You may hate our burgers, but you're taking a second bite. So enjoy this mammoth vehicle. It refuses no one. It is affordable to everyone! And when all the little Peugeots, and Renaults, and Fiats, and Cavaliers, and Neons, and Mazda 626's; when all the cars break down, this ugly, unashamed, magnificent land yacht will bring all of you to safety. This beautiful, overweight behemoth will endure.