1994 Eagle Talon Tsi

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1994 Eagle Talon Tsi
RCR Eagle Talon Thumb.jpg
Car Details
Make Eagle
Model Talon Tsi
Year 1994
Owner Cory Deist
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season This is my job now.
Air Date June 1, 2015
Credits u/Hullian111

This is a captured import and the bloodbag that kept Chrysler's sports car's division conscious though the early 90's rebuilding years. Goat. All this is is a Mitsubishi Eclipse, front wheel drive turbo, with a BADGE OF FREEDOM



[MR. REGULAR:] Wonder if I should start it like this – today we have a 1994- uh oh!


[MR. REGULAR:] Oh that’s green, isn’t it?

*more laughter*
INTRO SONG, THE ROMAN (To the tune of “Dayman” from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Fighter of the Regal,
It’s the car you choose,
When Mitsubishi Eclipse is not alt enough for you.
1994 Eagle Talon Tsi-
*Goat bleats*
-Turbo 1GB.

It’s dad time again!
[TEXT: It’s Dad-Time again.]

Time for daaaaaa-
[TEXT, SCROLLING ‘A’: Time //for// DAD

I’m your dad.
[TEXT: I’m your dad.]

I don’t want you driving any of that import crap.


I remember eagles. FREEDOM.
[TEXT: Freedom]
The Eagle was the name of a 4x4 station wagon made by American Motor Company. FREEDOM.
[TEXT: Freedom]
Then, when Chrysler-FREEDOM.
[TEXT: Freedom]
-acquired AMC, it kept the Eagle name- MERLE HAGGARD.
[TEXT: Okie From Muskogee]
-and used it for their cars. FLAG DAY.
[TEXT: Misquoting the Articles of Confederation]

Now if you wanna be cool, you’ll call this car the ‘DSM’. You won’t call it an Eagle Talon or a Mitsubishi Eclipse – no, you’re gonna call this a ‘DSM’ car.

‘DSM’ stands for Diamond Star Motors.
[TEXT: DSM // Diamond Star Motors’ 

DSM was an overturned cardboard box with the word ‘transmogrifier’ written on the side, and a captured Mitsubishi Eclipse goes in and zap! Out comes a Chrysler.

This Eagle Talon Tsi has a Mitsubishi 14B turbocharger and intercooler which boosts the 2.0 Ford G63 four-cylinder double-cam engine from 130 horsepower to 190 horsepower. Cory has made (sic) a few things to his DSM, so it’s making more in the 200 horsepower range.

The 1GB suffix to this Talon’s name means that this car is a first-generation post-facelift. The first-generation pre-facelift 1GA DSM had pop-up headlights, while this 1GB doesn’t. 

This front-wheel-drive Steven Seagal gets 30 miles-per-gallon on the highway provided you don’t drive it like an idiot. Those are the owner’s words, not mine, but I imagine it’s common sense when you’re dealing with a car from 1994. 

The clutch is very heavy, and it’s put on this earth to give you a hard time like a Brazzers subscription you can’t cancel.
*Goat bleats*
This is the official car of Magic: The Gathering and long walks in the cemetery.

*slowed down, creepy goat bleating*

[TEXT: Stock aux-jack…in 1994!]
By 2019, the passage of time will have judged this car as a classic. And yet, this car feels as esoteric today as the word ‘roughage’. This car is a waystation to the next phase of automotive life, when you’re waiting to meet the one to disappoint for the rest of your life – it isn’t a bad car, man, but come on, she won’t understand. 

She’s not gonna get your love, because it’s beyond her capacity to understand why a man would love this. She doesn’t get this like she doesn’t get your porn selection. She doesn’t get why you need mIRC to get off.

If this car were vintage, sure, that would be understandable, but no-one is gonna look at a car from 1994 and all the Super Nintendo connotations that it carries, and they’re not gonna understand why you’re nostalgic for this time period. And yet, you know why you love it. You know why you love the Talon more than the Eclipse. Like transmogrification, it’s something only you can see. You get it, and you know why we don’t have to go over why 1994 was such an amazing year.

The Eagle Talon is perfect for taking your girl out to LongHorn Steakhouse and straight back home for a HOT CARL CANDY CANE…
[TEXT, in blue bordered by red: Carl Candy Cane]
…OR A NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK! You know, whichever one suits her mood.

This is like driving the lamb-skinned condom – you don’t think anyone actually used it, *sigh* and yet, here it is, DOING THE LORD’S WORK. You’re in something no-one ever uses anymore, unless they have an aversion to what’s out there in the mainstream.

1994 Eagle Talon – when the Mitsubishi Eclipse isn’t alt enough for you. Speaking of alternatives, what’s up with these little lines of decoration on the dash piece? They look like an expansion joint. This is the only thing that’s very un-90s about this car – see, 90s interior designs don’t have fake expansion joints just for show, they don’t have anything just for show. That’s one of the reasons we like 90s cars so much is because the inside is so no-frills. The early-90s buried 80s excess, even in car interiors.

Y’know, the 90s.
[TEXT: The 90s]

Y’know, back in the 90s, I masturbated to nothing in particular. I mean, in the background was ‘What Would You Do?’ by Mark Summers on a black-and-white RCA Victor to drown out the sound of my aimless biology PIE COASTER.

*echoing, swapping sound channels* Numb, numb, numby numby numby numb, time for a numb tongue!

*back to the goat, wind noise. bleating, Mr. Regular doesn’t reply and runs away*

Eagle Talon!
OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN, to the tune of the ‘What Would You Do?’ theme
Whawhawhahwhat would you, 
Whawhat porn would you watch?
What what what what what what porn porn porn porn porn porn,
What what what what what what would you watch?