1991 Subaru Loyale

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1991 Subaru Loyale
RCR Subaru Loyale Thumb.jpg
Car Details
Make Subaru
Model Loyale
Year 1991
Owner Nathan Wohlfeil
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season A Return to Form
Air Date May 16, 2016
Transcript
Credits u/kurosaur

Listen up all you vaping and posing Boxerbros. Your entire subculture wouldn't exist without this dopey slow wagon.

Transcript[edit]

OPENING MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR:
What's the French term for a dad who drives a Subaru and tells bad jokes? {beat}
A Loyale with cheese.
---
INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN {To the tune of Green Day's "When I Come Around"}:
No time to ask the dealer how
I can buy this car right now
Subaru Loyale
---
MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR:
Hey all you bug-eyed and hawk-eyed drivers, yeah, put down your vape pens. And
you're indoors, so take off that hat before I put a bend in it. Gonna take that
flat-brimmed hat and put a bend in it like God intended.

Listen, the only reason your snowmachines with their fwuh-fwuh-fuhfuhfuh exhaust
and the only reason Subaru of North America exists AT ALL is because of the Loyale.
You owe your entire subculture to this car. This pokey little station wagon was
Subaru's foot in the door for yanks. GAH!

EYES    EYES
RIGHT HERE

{'DETERMINATION' flashes on-screen in place of 'RIGHT HERE' for a brief second
before the scene returns to car footage.}

Forget the BRAT. The BRAT was fun, too fun. It wasn't a car for settling into
marriage and driving around a wife that {Mr. Regular sighs} I guess I'll learn
to love.

Because the Loyale succeeded where the BRAT didn't. Originally called the Leone,
and built in 1971 for world markets, this car came out of Subaru's poop chute
looking like a Datsun B210 in the day; y'know, complete with side mirrors mounted
way down in the corner panels, hell, they're almost on the roof. But by 1984, the
Leone became the Loyale in North America because we had our fill with queer Italian
names. Y'see, "Loyale" sounds like "loyal", and "loyal" means steadfast devotion.

Good behavior was a positive emotion that Subaru wanted customers to think of when
they were looking at this wagon. A car called a Loyale is for showing up early for
Sunday school and helping the pastor hand out illustrated children's bibles and one
illustrated family bible because the church doesn't have enough.

On the other hand, a Subaru BRAT is for the parents of the one kid who got laid in
SIXTH GRADE. Dude, he just found out how to give himself a handy and already he's
shoving it into HOT BOX. Dude, even kids from OTHER school districts heard about
'that' guy.

In the United States, we got a 1.8L single overhead cam EA82 flat four with
throttle-body fuel injection PUMPED FULL OF BARN LOVE. This was an engine more
pitiful than a boomer yelling at a Wendy's drive-thru. It made around eighty
horsepower--RAM AIR INTAKE! THE BOX SAID TEN HORSEPOWER! Yes, you could get a turbo
on some of these motors, but few people got them because a Loyale is a dad's car.
The early nineties ex-hippie dad who still gets high about once a month, but when
he does it, he does it by announcing this at family dinner in a very stealth way.
He says,

Well, {grunting sigh} I'm gonna go out to the shed and {lesser grunting sigh} work
on the lawn mower.

And then Steely Dan starts playing. {beat} It's just 'Reelin' In the Years' over
and over and over again.

These days people wanna turn the Loyale into a battlewagon and the way you do that is
you put spacers under the shocks and springs because THAT'S healthy for the CVs.
And then when you drive--one thing about the Loyale? No rev limiter! None. Y-y-you
can rev this until the engine explodes. First and second gear are your go-gears and
by fifth gear at 57 miles an hour, you're pulling about 3000 rpms. 

And this is back when Subarus *did* go offroad. The Loyale turned Subaru from that
weird car company to "that's a good car!" And this is what made people appreciate Subaru.
In most of Pennsylvania, you can still see old Loyales rolling around as mail trucks.
"Oh, they work in all weather!" It w-wasn't until the Subaru RS that Subaru became
weird again in North America, I mean, we knew of other weird stuff in the nineties
about Subaru because of Gran Turismo and all that, but for most of the nineties,
this was Subaru.

The Subaru Loyale is a car, and that's the most generous thing you can really say
about it. It's the four-wheel equivalent of a dad who doesn't just drop his
daughter off at the concert, he stays with her throughout the entire show on the
off-chance she gets invited backstage to play HIDE THE MASTER SWORD with JOHNNY
FROSTED TIPS {'Hey now, you're an AllStar' appears on-screen momentarily}.

Of course, a car shouldn't be put down just because it isn't fun to drive. Plenty
of cars are reliable without having to be fun, but one you're inside, it's like,
"who is this even for?" I know we've been over this, but who is the target audience
for this? The target audience was everybody. It breaks down like this:

If the Subaru Loyale was a movie, it'd be the Superman Returns of cars. It's a
conservative product that takes no risks. It's good, but completely unremarkable
in just about every way. I know that spare tire's under the hood, and that's sort
of a BRAT thing, oh, and there's one other thing--it had selectable four-wheel
drive. This predates the whole "IT HAS FULL TIME ALL-WHEEL DRIVE SUBARU"--this is
before that. It had selectable stuff; this isn't something you get today.

Big button right on top of the manual gear shifter, four-wheel drive. You press
that and you get four-wheel drive any time you want. Normally you're just putzin'
around, it's front wheel drive, you hit that button, BAM. And that's the Subaru
weirdness right in there. And they didn't even put it on the dash! They put it on
the gear shifter! A thumb button--a missile button.

D'you remember Afterburner, that arcade game? Your missile button was on top of
the joystick! Pchkshhh! Any time you want it!

You want this thing on the highway goin' ninety miles a BZZHHH! Y-you want four-
wheel drive in the middle of the drift? BZZZHH. Any time you want BZZZHHH. And you
needed that four-wheel drive to get everything out of the ninety horsepower engine.
If you had the turbo option, you got a hundred and fifteen horsepower. An interesting
thing, one year later, the Loyale Coupe was completely killed off in order to focus
on the sedan and wagon versions of the Loyale, and by 1994 we were down to the wagon
alone.

And even that version wasn't long for this world, with the Legacy and the i- and
the Impreza stepping up on the plate for Subaru. The Loyale was okay in its heyday
because the modest demographic it was aiming for wasn't looking for anything more
complicated than a car with good gas mileage that could survive Pennsylvania winters.

The Loyale is what happens when people settle. Hell, this is an automotive equivalent
of the entire company just settling. But, you need to settle. If it wasn't for the
Loyale building up a base of customers who consistently buy Subarus--you all know
these families who're like "I'll never buy anything for a Subaru"--they had the Subaru
wagon in the nineties and have bought nothing but these cars since. 

So you don't get your crazy WRXs and you don't get your STIs without this big steady
base of customers who are just buying your oatmeal cars. DO YOU HEAR ME CHRYSLER?
THIS IS HOW YOU KEEP A CAR COMPANY GOING. Boring cars have to exist.

*sigh* It's good to be making reviews again.
---
OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN{to the tune of Green Day's F.O.D.}:
I'm feeling fairly bold,
this car is very old,
the Subaru Loyale.

A dad joke on four wheels,
deliverance of feels,
a daughter all grown up.

Let's drive this car that we have never drove before,
pretend that Subaru is Ford.
And with this car, we'll change like we are Alex Mack,
and these reviews are finally back.

References[edit]