1985 Toyota AE86 Sprinter Trueno, Part 1
|Season||The Great Maybe|
|Air Date||January 26, 2015|
Weeaboo! Weeaboo! Weeaboo! Weeaboo! Watch part 2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3UerfINTpI The AE86 is the king of internet-window-shopping and message board fact battles. Raaaagh! FACT BATTLE
Ugh! WEEABOO! WEEABOO WEEABOO WEEABOO WEEABOO! --- song by THE ROMAN (to the tune of '1985' by Bowling for Soup) Toyota Coro-- --- <interrupted> YOU DON'T LIKE THIS CAR! YOU NEVER DID! "No, man, this is the car that got me into --" SHUT UP! YOU *DON'T* LIKE THIS CAR! YOU LIKE A CARTOON! A *BORING* CARTOON! (text: Initial D) INITIAL D--YOU KNOW INITIAL 'D' STANDS FOR? (text: DEMEROL) DEMEROL! IT'S A DULL CARTOON ABOUT A DUMB TEENAGER AND HIS DRUNKEN DULLARD OF A DAD! THE KID HAS A HANDFUL OF DIPSHIT FRIENDS WHO SPEND MORE TIME MUMBLING TO EACH OTHER THAN DRIVING! AND THE KID DRIVES AN AE86 SPRINTER TRUENO AND YOU SHOULD BE DAMN GLAD I'M MAKING AN EFFORT TO PRONOUNCE THE NAME OF THIS STUPID CAR! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS CAR FITS HIS PERSONALITY! BECAUSE IT'S *SLOW*! "Yeah, man, but powered away --" IF I WANTED YOU TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH I WOULD'VE SHOVED BOTH MY DICKS UP YOUR NOSE! UGHHHHHH!!! --- song by THE ROMAN (to the tune of '1985' by Bowling for Soup) Toyota Corolla, and phones from Motorola, this is the part one clip of A-E, A-E, A-E-eighty-six --- No car is hyped more than the AE86 because we want to believe it is magical like it was in the cartoon. This is a real AE86; it has all of the important paperwork and is registered correctly in the United States. It's a right-hand-drive with a region-correct steering wheel. Oh! I see it has an aftermarket cupholder. Because *of course* it has an aftermarket cupholderr... The HVAC controls are written in English but the warning sticker on the door is written in Japanese. For the people who don't know what the AE86 is, and what it's all about, and what it means to car culture, here are the facts: this is... a Toyota Corolla. The fans will fondle their DVD box sets like magic lamps hoping for three wishes, and all of them will be a variation on "make my car magic like the show", but this is a Toyota Corolla. The production of the AE86 only lasted for 5 years, from 1983 to 1987. The engine, yes, the 4A-GE -- it's difficult to even write that alphanumerical designation without turning into an enthusiast apologist in the El Dorado sense of the word. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for all the aggressive braggarts who ruin car meets and chase away all the girls with their constant revving and loud clothing. But the 4A-GE understands what it is, and it is tired of you heaping psychotic half-truths about it. Because Variable Valve Timing never looked the 4A-GE's way. Those 16 valves maintain lift and duration no matter what the engine speed. But the mainspring of all the AE86 cheerleaders' pride comes from: (text: T-VIS) T-VIS. (text: Toyota Variable Induction System) T-V-I-S. It's not variable valve timing. It's a proto-Variable Valve Timing. (text: and by "proto", I mean "Not At All") It's a way to adjust power without touching the valves. Here's how this works, it's very interesting: it's a 16-valve engine, so of course, every cylinder gets 4 valves. And each cylinder gets 2 intake runners. (When I say "intake runners", "intake runners" is another name for "intake tubes", but we like to call them "runners".) So two tubes that go down carrying the air and fuel mixture to the intake valves. When the engine is operating below 4200 RPM, each cylinder is only breathing through one. So, below 4200 RPM, 4 of the 8 intake runners are closed. And then above 4200 RPM, the valves open, and now the engine has 8 intake runners, all feeding air and fuel mixture in. So why close off half the runners? Why not just have all 8 open all the time? By restricting intake air at low RPM, the engine runs more efficiently because you aren't asking the engine to put out maximum horsepower at low RPM; you're just riding around. You get a cleaner burn, you get a more efficient burn, and -- this is important, and it's gonna come up later -- it lowers emissions. Coupled with the T50 transmission, 5th gear is a substantial overdrive, so when you test for emissions, when you have it at highway speeds, heh! Emissions are bang-on. And the 80s were a wonky time for emissions, but more on that later. The day we filmed this AE86 Sprinter Trueno, I was cautious because I knew I was looking into the fanged mouth of a chronic automotive addiction. There is no delaying it, and dammit, now is just as good a time as any other gothic Monday to talk about those three rotten letters: (text: JDM) JDM. (text: Japanese Domestic Market) Japanese Domestic Market. That's what that stands for. JDM has become a horrible catch-all term. It's been reduced to a prolapsed adjective, used by clueless youths to describe accessories they bought at Advanced Auto Parts. It's the mating call of the automotive street racing brute, a horrible example of the male species. JDM. It's a weasel word for every shady eBay seller, but it has its origins, and you're looking at it right here. Because, Americans never got the AE86 Sprinter Trueno. That was Japan-only. And this is a Japanese domestic car, never intended for American buyers. Americans never truly got the AE86. Yes, we had the Corolla GT-S, but if you look in at that nameplate you will not see the designation 'AE86' standing alone. It's accompanied by another sinister term: 'AE88'. Yes: the American version of this is designated the AE88. There is. No. True. American. AE86. I understand that when you look on your nameplate, 'AE86' does appear, but so does 'AE88'. They are, unfortunately, two different cars. Our Dickensonian Corolla GT-S made a please-sir-may-I-have-some-more 112 horsepower, (text: Corolla GT-S 112 HP) while the Japan-only AE86 Sprinter Trueno made 128 Horsepower. (text: Sprinter Trueno 128 HP) I'm a well-fed Hun of an American, and my country is so damn advanced, I can eat savagely as I choose, and I never die, unless I holistically apply my time to this endeavor. The rest of the world knows this and sees fit to punish me in one form or another, and automotive cuckolding is as good a medium as any, I suppose. United States automotive enthusiasts -- and I am one -- want the *genuine* AE86, what you're looking at here. And Toyota of Japan held their magnificent Sprinter Trueno behind its back, and silently shook its head "...no." And with that first grudge snub, Toyota created an entire dungeon market full of liars, brutes, degenerates, and associated mutants, who found that importing Japanese-only cars is a quick buck. After all, there's an unending line of energetic Japanophile junkies twitching and holding sweaty wads of cash, for any hustler with a fifth-grade vocabulary who will promise this poor geek a real JDM car imported into San Francisco in three months or less, with no hassles. Whether the car shows up is anybody's guess. Most times, the importer slides back into the impenetrable Florida everglades on a trail of his own mucus, clutching nine thousand dollars of the poor geek's money. If a real JDM car does show up, the geek will enjoy two weeks of euphoric driving and peacocking before Customs agents show up with knuckledusters and a roll-back tow truck. If the geek manages to find an honest importer -- of which I've only met one in my life; your common North American car importer is a proto-species of orangutan so malformed and barbaric, a 19th-century British anthropologist wouldn't even do it the humanity of shooting it with an Express rifle (hmmmph!) -- if the geek finds an honest importer, who knows how to fill out the intentionally-tricky paperwork, and also knows how to assist, personally, the geek's medicated and clueless DMV staff... (text: Your DMV or Notery (sic) will not know how to register an imported car. They will not listen to you in your up-bent brim and slouching posture. A good importer will be your fixer. A lazy importer will hand you paperwork and say: "Give them this, it should work," and it won't.) ...the JDM geek *will* receive a right-hand drive Toyota, from the 1980s, which will complete a quarter-mile in *sixteen seconds* at 80 MPH. It will read its speed in kilometers only. And, if the geek doesn't have EZPass, every toll-road journey will become a clusterdump of inconvenience for him and any other motorists unlucky enough to get caught behind him at the tollbooths, as he has to get out of his car and walk around to hand the money personally to the Turnpike worker, who is looking for any excuse to mouth some serious sass... (text: To mouth some serious sass.) ..and call the State Trooper who is inevitably parked nearby. So, why so slow? The AE86 Sprinter Trueno uses a solid but highway-friendly T50 gearbox. There are 5 speeds, and gear number 4 is already 1:1, and 5th is a healthy overdrive. That means gear 1, 2, and 3 have the unfair responsibility of keeping the engine at the 6-7000 RPM sweet spot where the 4A-GE does its best work. My day with this genuine Sprinter Trueno was in those fluid days of late summer and early autumn. For those of us who live in the Northeast, and love driving, (text: Hustle-Punt Sports-Club) and care little for pigskin, this time of year tows a medium load of melancholy and wet leaves lying cruelly at apexes. And in that low-humidity crisping air, I saw clearly that the AE86... (text: ...fits me.) ...fits me. (text: I want one.) I want one. (text: I want a real one.) I want a real one. The Sprinter Trueno sits in that Easter-egg crossroads, where car culture and geek culture cross. With a backward glance, I learn that, if a whored-out anime series can introduce a neckbeard, whose dick is so hairy it looks like someone stuck a wet popsicle into a lawnmower's catchbag -- if an AE86 can turn that guy into a car enthusiast and backyard wrencher...well, this car can't be that bad. --- (text: Part Two Click Here) song by THE ROMAN (to the tune of "A Dream is a Wish" from Disney's Sleeping Beauty) if you found that you enjoyed this clip here, then go ahead and click here, and please stick around for Part Two...