1979 Corvette C3
|Air Date||February 17, 2014|
The C3 'Vette is an Atlantic City escort, layering on foundation and mortgaging her future to maintain a lifestyle that has not made sense since 1967. When I see a C3, I think about that lady at the bowling alley bar who grabbed my hoo-haas in 2008. She held her Kool and said: "It's about time we get some YOUNG blood in this place.
OPENING by MR REGULAR: 1979 Corvette C3. It took four generations of cars for General Motors to clear up all the gambling debts, get alibis for all the missing call girls, pay off three district judges, and undo all the damage the C3 did to the good name CORVETTE. --- INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN: Roman: Four speeds, what's that fear? I got your Northeast extinction for 'ya right over here. --- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR: Look at it like this - the C1: curvy, friendly, almost European. Ahh, C2, the best one indeed..SPLIT WINDOW! Oh yeah, the C2. If a Stratocaster was a car. The Corvette C2 is an un-cut dick you want to suck. But the C3 is a sunburned Atlantic City escort layering on foundation and mortgaging her reputation to continue a lifestyle enjoyed a decade ago. The Corvette C3 with a-many cubic inch engine made in the late 1970's made - are you ready for this? - by the end of its life, 200 horsepower. Yeah, I know at one point in its early career it was makin' over 400, but not by the end. By 1979, a hulking, rumbling, these-colors-don't-run, freedom-ain't-free, no-replacement-for-displacement, stiff beacon of probable cause was no stronger than a BRZ. Oh, sure there's torque, which is the invisible trump card adults play. "Don't step there! Don't step there! It's lava! It's lava! If you step there, you're dead now! You're dead now!" TORQUE! Understand that the Corvette C3 spent most of its time in the Ford and Carter administration. America was dealing with a horrible concussion from the previous president, and the mean reality that OUR leader, or even leadership as a concept, is no longer trustworthy. America wanted something to hold onto while duck-and-covering. The Corvette C3 fit right into that time. It was a platitude of reassurance, like holding a cross while you walk through the parking lot behind Stallions in Harrisburg (Pennsylvania). The vacuum-powered everything in the C3 is just that kind of old-time religion that you need, when a crazy fast 240Z is pulling away from you, and it's getting farther and farther and leaving an unclosable (sic) gap, and you can sit there in your C3 and think, ""Well, what I'm driving is known technology..that guy in that foreign job, uh-uh-uh. He's taking a biiiig risk!"" Here's an idea: no trunk. It looks like there could be a lift back there, but nothing. If you want to carry anything in a C3, you have to cram it under the rear window. Yeah, I know in the last year you could lift up the window, but that was the last year. Besides, anyone resigned to a life of high displacement and low power better learn to love it. In the early days of smog control and inept engineering, the name CORVETTE could only muster 190 horsepower in places like California where restrictions on emissions were beginning their miserable rule. And if all the disgusting stancing, rolled fingers, machismo wheels, domestic abuse, sub-woofers, drug paraphernalia, exhaust note, simple assault driving positions, and a defeated acceptance of the modern (Honda) Civic Si motto of: "It's better to look fast than be fast" can be traced to its source, there you will find the C3: doggy-styling an ethnically vague woman in a bed of Kate-made diamonds while vomiting into her hair. But on the other hand, when you compare last week's DeLorean and this 'Vette, the Corvette reveals itself to be a modern car, in spite of all those vacuum lines and carburetion. The wheel turns without effort; you can see everything in here. "Ooh, sky, uh, ooh. A-pillar, there is none, the heater..." Seriously, the heater in this car was unreal. I have never driven a car with a heater this good. Dude, seriously, I've been in modern cars with the heater cranked, and the heated seats turned up to high, and it wasn't as warm as it was in here. If you could jack one of these cars up, get some weight over the rear wheels, and put studded snow tires on it, you'd have one BA snow car. Here's another thing: the shifter takes no effort to move; it is so butter-smooth. And torque. That big lava floor of thing that's a big mystery. Here's the fun thing, you don't really need first gear in this car. I'm sure I'm forgetting something...what is it I'm forgetting. Oh yeah! Headlights go uuuuuooooooohh there we go! --- OUTRO, LIVE, MR. REGULAR and THE ROMAN DISCUSSING: Mr. Regular: While we were riding along, the guy said, "This engine's been completely rebuilt." Roman: Wow. Mr. Regular: So, it has modern power. This is not a slow- Roman: It's like an engagement ring on its way down a drainage pipe. Mr. Regular: There is no one around, I so want to just a little bit... (puts his foot down) Oooooh, I understand Corvettes.