1970 Opel GT

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1970 Opel GT
RCR Opel GT Thumb.jpg
Car Details
Make Opel
Model GT
Year 1970
Owner Patrick
Episode Details
Episode Link Watch
Season The Pacific Fister
Air Date January 11, 2016
Transcript
Credits TK421

Rollin' up up the club, girls see me flexin'. Got a dick so small, call me Micro-Aggression.

Transcript[edit]

"[MR. REGULAR]
Headlights go round, round, round, round, round, round, round, round-

[INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN]
Pull up in the club, girls see me flexin
Gotta dick so small, call me micro-aggression
Wait, what?

[MR. REGULAR]
The Opel GT was sold in America for Emmanuel Goldstein types who wanted Corvette C3s, but were also conscientious objectors.  This is a small American(?) sports car with a 1.9 liter cam-in-block straight 4 which makes a hundred and two crank horsepower; because people who are buying Opels care more about looks than speed. Opel GT; a 1970’s car for future earbud Bluetooth dads.

These pompous little shits were sold at Buick dealerships, because General Motors figured Buick buyers, who were used to paying more for tinsel and winks, would be the most accepting customers. The Opel GT was supposed to compete with the ninety-five horsepower MGB, but the MGB, for all its electrical issues and eternally leaking soft-tops, were in production for the American market since 1962, and this upstart is supposed to compete with that. I mean, that means, even though the MGB was worse than the Opel GT, it was worse in a Chevrolet way, which mean there were more parts available everywhere for MGs in the 60’s and 70’s, but not so for the Opel GT. Fixing an Opel GT is more futile than trying to win an argument with your Jewish mother, because even if you win… you loose. 

This Opel GT is a 1970 model year, and that’s important, because in 1970, in America, the Datsun 240Z swaggered into the American scene, with its fly open, confidently flopping a cock bigger than a jegs sticker. {Screen goes to black with “JEGS” in massive yellow text} [DEEP VOICE] JEEEEGS.

[MR. REGULAR]
And that was the end for Opel in America. Forever. 

Two amazing years! 1968 and 1969 before getting gentrified [DEEP SLOW VOICE] long dick style.

[MR. REGULAR]
By 1973, Opel was done, and the age of Asia was beginning. But we can take comfort {screen goes black with “I poop.” in small white text} BECAUSE I POOP.

Some still exist, and can be enjoyed for their own weirdness. Right. These headlights. Th..th..they’re not operated by any motor; that’s just your own muscles operating… it’s just a big lever... just attacked… just attached to rods that push on other rods… it’s your own muscle that yoinks this thing… and ka-dungsh… headlights go over. And you have to take it, and pull it HARD, because you have to make it catch.

So how does it drive?

Easy! It’s half a Corvette. This… this is... it’s a Chevy Corvette C3… it’s not really, but it drives just like a C3, just half of everything. It’s amazing! I guess you can corner with it, in a weird kind of half American, half English way, but w...what this car does really well is cruising. Sound’s amazing, doesn’t go that fast, but in the same way… in the same spirit, of the MGs, going fast is not the point. Making due with whatever suspension is there… I don’t care about the engine, make the most with what you have, and look as cool as possible while you do it. 

But yeah, there’s a GM badge on the back of this thing to remind people that: Yeah, this is technically an American car. 

The owner, Patrick, added a carburetor swap from Solex to Weber, and this is a common swap for Opels, according to Patrick, but it’s not the only swap he made. He switched out the mechanical fuel pump for an electric one, he changed the header, bumped up the exhaust to a 2 inch, put in an electric fan (which, really you have to do with any sort of classic car), and a snorkel intake, so it can suck stuff else than road gravel. 

Now this stripe… was from the dealership, and so was the air conditioning, although Patrick removed the air conditioning because of the rayon. The white with red interior is kind of rare by conventional standards, but it leads to an eye-popping appearance, that turned a lot of head at Black Hawk cars and coffee. 

But this is a car that speaks to an older audience… it speaks to the previous generation in the same way the 240Zs speak to a newer generation and an older generation at the same time. You get what I’m sayin? For some people this car represents the age of Steve McQueen, Clint Eastwood, and the French Connection with its badass car chase, but for other people, this was simply the cool little car from Get Smart, a car that looks like a manlier no-shave-November version of the MGB, the car that MI6 used when they didn’t want to look like MI6. This boasts an aesthetic that calls to mind an era before men were in touch with their feminine side; grudges were settled in the bar’s back alley, rather than some stuffy law and order courtroom. This is from the days before Garmin could take you through the ghetto, and getting anywhere relied on a man’s intuitive sense of direction, or the stubbornness that he still knew where he was going, even as he took his family deeper and deeper into the darkening corners of Susquehanna Valley. 

In America, the Opel only lasted for two years, like a bad marriage, or a good war. But the Opel GT inspires a sort of cultural tourism… the idea that you can briefly enjoy the American, or European, or German experience during the eleven months that aren’t October.  

1970 Opel GT; the official car of the cool uncle. Because really, who knows how the rules of cool are written?

[OUTRO SONG by THE ROMAN]
You want bars?, I don’t think you’re ready though,
Call me Maxi Paddies, I’m bringing you that heavy flow-
Wait, what, really!?

References[edit]